The thing that hurts most about Fibromyalgia.

The thing that hurts most about Fibromyalgia, is being judged.  Being labeled, and being misunderstood.  Being treated differently.  Being treated like you're lying, faking it, seeking attention.  It hurts, it hurts so deep.  Being treated like you take advantage of your husband.  I've told my husband so many times I am jealous of his disease.  It's easy to prove you have Diabetes, and it's not like Fibromyalgia.  It doesn't control your life, it lets you do far more than dealing with constant pain.  You can actually have a normal life if you keep your sugars under control.  There is no amount of controlling with Fibromyalgia, there are no preventative measures.  IT will decide what you do, and what you will not do.  The lack of control is very frightening, and upsetting when you live for control with your type A personality.  I would switch diseases with my husband in a heart beat.  I would love to be the one taking care of him, instead of it being the other way around.  He takes care of me because he knows it's real.  He takes care of me because he knows I can't take care of myself.  Most importantly, he takes care of me because he loves me.  I would do nothing differently should the roles be reversed.  You take care of someone you love.  You believe and trust someone you love.  He does this because he knows it's right.  I so wish the roles were reversed.  I so wished the people that "loved me" wouldn't give me "the look."  The look everyone with Fibromyalgia knows all too well.  The "you're lazy" look, the "only if you tried harder" look, the "why would you behave this way just to get attention?" look.  I tell you what, it hurts.  It cuts us real deep.  I cannot believe someone would let their pride and ignorance treat someone they love in such a way.  I cannot believe we have to act like everything's alright, lest we be mistreated.  I know for a fact that people who want to treat someone this way have issues far more serious than believing Fibromyalgia isn't real.  The people who treat me this way have shi*ty marriages, they lack spirituality, they're prideful, they're angry, and judgmental of everything, and everyone.  EVERY single person who could cast their character this low, has many, many issues.  Every single person who treats me this way, has MAJOR issues.  Although I know it isn't personal and has nothing to do with me, it still hurts.  It takes a lot to hurt me.  I am very blunt, in your face, and I could seriously care less about what you think or say.  If I love you, that's another matter.  If you're a jerk, I could care less.  When someone who's supposed to love me treats me this way, I cannot help but feel it deep.  Do you honestly believe I have my husband wash my hair because it's fun?  I make up the pain so he can wash my hair?  Really?  I have far too much pride.  The thought of anyone helping me wounds my pride.  I love to be self sufficient, and it irritates me to no end having to ask for help.  Anyone who knows me or loves me enough would know this, though.  Those who judge me do not know me, and don't want to.  Their problems are so up in their faces, they can't lower them for one second to see others are suffering.  If they acknowledged I had problems, it would take the lime light away from theirs.  I don't want the attention, or the lime light.  I just want to be believed.  I want you to respect me.  I want you to stop treating me like I'm lying, like I'm exaggerating, like I've made this up for the attention.  I want you to stop it, and I demand it, now!  My husband and I have made a decision, a decision that is already being put into play.  We will be courteous and civil, but we will no longer stand for the abuse that's been thrown at me.  It is abuse, and I will not use any other word to describe it.  It goes far beyond abuse when you want to thrust your problems and issues into the face of a crippled, disabled person.  You are one sick puppy when you have to degrade yourself that low, and I will not be subjected to your abuse any longer.  We will not live by family or friends who refuse to treat me with the respect and understanding I deserve.  I was abused severely as a child, it was not my fault, and I had no say in the matter.  I am an adult, I do have a say now.  I have put up with sh*t for far too long to appease people.  I have bit my tongue, tried to plea my case, tried to receive a little understanding.  I never got it.  I've been trying for as long as I've had this disease.  I never got the respect or understanding, and I understand now that I never will.  I won't hold my breath.  People don't change.  If that's the case, I still love you, I will still talk to you.  You will not be invited into my home to insult me, though.  You will be excluded from important events in my family's lives.  We will not go out of our way to see you.  We will not stand for the manipulation, rude comments, and hurtful glances you have been giving me for years.  I put up with it so you could be a part of our lives, a part of my children's lives.  Well guess what?  I'm tired of it, my husband's tired of it, and we won't stand for it any longer.  We gave you many years to prove yourself, you chose your pride over your family.  This is your fault, you have many issues, don't you dare try to blame it on me, or my disease.  You know the fault lies with you.  I cannot believe you are embarrassed of me and my disease.  Why do you think my disease would bring you shame?  Like talking about this or embracing this, or wearing my disease proudly on a bracelet is embarrassing.  Do you know how sick that makes you sound?

Don't you dare ever find yourself treating someone with a disease like they're crazy.  If you love them, you will respect them, believe them, try to help and understand them.  You do not abuse or disrespect someone you love.  Period.  I know by your actions how you feel about me.  Don't worry, the feeling is mutual.

Do you love me?  Prove it.  Do you hate me?  Prove it.  How do you show someone you love them?  By your actions.  Can you ever prove you love someone?  Never.  How then can I prove my disease to you?  By my actions?  Yes, that's all I have.  I could never in a million years play this fartsy, play up this much pain.  I am too fartsy to pretend pain for that long.  I'd forget too fast.  If I shot you in the face with a shotgun, could you prove you were in pain to me?  No, there's no way you could ever prove your pain.  Why do you ask me to?  Why on earth would you ever doubt me?  Why would you ever be low enough to try to prove me otherwise?  I am so sorry you deal with trials, I really am, trials are hard and they suck, believe me, I know!  I could write the book on it.  I do not understand your need to project it on me, though.  I never will.  Things do have to come down to this.  I will not deal with the abuse any longer, and frankly, believe it or not, my disease won't let me either.  Emotional pain makes the physical pain ten times worse for Fibromyalgia.  I not only do this for my self respect, I do it for my health.

A rose by any other name would still be a rose.  You could call my Fibromyalgia whatever you wanted to.  It would never change my symptoms.    

I AM young, don't let that fool you into thinking that makes me healthy.  I will not try to prove myself to you anymore, you refuse to listen.