What makes someone beautiful?

My husband makes fun of me when I profess my undying love for someone.  "Oooh, I could marry that one, he's SO cute!"  "He's like 80 years old.  His nose is huge, and his ears are hilarious!"  I've tried explaining it so many times to people.  There's not a whole lot in looks for me.

This to me is repulsive.  NOT what I find attractive in a man.

THIS, besides hubby of course, is the sexiest man alive to me.  "But he's so old, so bald..."  "Um, he's educated, he's eloquent, he's kind, he's intelligent, he's beautiful on the outside, because he's beautiful on the inside."  Patrick Stewart, even at 72 years old, is a sexy beast.   A person is beautiful in my eyes when they're amazing human beings.  I am often teased for my "lack" of eyesight when it comes to judging beauty. 

So I am a makeup artist.  My job is to play with makeup.  My job is to have fun, not to cover anything.  My job is to make people feel enhanced, not covered.  With that said, there are some things I believe in.

*I believe you should never sleep with your makeup on.
* I believe you should eat well and invigorate your body through exercise.
*I believe in hydrating a healthy, happy body.
*I believe you should never gossip.
*I believe you should laugh.  All the time.
* I believe you should never think twice about helping others.
*I believe in confidence.
* I believe in being true to yourself.

Makeup is fun.  It's an artistic outlet and joy.  It's fulfilling to be creative.  It's fun to play with color.  But it is not an answer.  It's not an answer for low self esteem.  It's not the answer when trying to hide behind something.  It is most definitely never to be used to be something you're not.  Makeup is not a mask, it's self expression.

What makes someone beautiful?  Nothing superficial, I can promise you that.  Skinny does not mean beautiful.  Health means beauty.  I believe in taking care of your body, not to be skinny, not to conform to anything.  I believe in taking care of your body, because your body is a temple, and you are worth it, that's why.  You release endorphin's when you work out, and those make you feel good.  They make you feel happy and confident.  It's hard not to feel better about yourself when you're healing your body from the inside out.  I am a firm believer of taking care of yourself.  I'm not going to ramble on about inner beauty, blah, blah, blah.  This is real to me, and it's something I wanted to share.  What makes a person beautiful to me.

I was a severely abused child.  It didn't end until I became an adult.  Growing up with the worst possible situations a human being can be asked to endure sure makes the self esteem road a long and hard one.  There was so much self hatred.  So much guilt, so much fear, so much anger.  These are not emotions conducive for a happy and confident life.  I was an incredibly beautiful (I can only see it looking back now) teenager.

This is my mom and I when I was 18 years old.  I was convinced I was the fattest, ugliest person alive.

  Fighting low self esteem and  low self confidence are so hard.  It's one of the hardest challenges we can undertake.  Once you can begin to accept yourself, you'll feel so much better on that side.  So it took having four kids, getting up to 220 lbs (my normal weight is 115) on most pregnancies, to see how beautiful I really am.  It took saggy boobs, a saggy "mom pooch", stretch marks from head to toe, to realize how beautiful I am.  Once my kids destroyed my body, I realized I had put far too much emphasis on the outside.  My body was/is destroyed.  I can continue to hate it for the rest of my life, or I can finally accept it.  Finally accept it as the divine temple it is.  What can I do about it now?  Nothing but love it.  I feel sexier now than I ever have.  I weighed 105 when I got married, I am 5'6, so that's really tiny, and now I'm 20 lbs heavier than that.  My weight now would be considered "obese" by my shallow teenage standards.  But I've never loved my body more.  I get it on with the lights on.  "Go on, take it all in...."  ;)  I love to use my vibrator, my dildo's, (sorry for that horrid image!) and I LOVE wearing kinky, tiny, barely there outfits with my beautifully flawed body.  Hooda thunk?  Certainly not me.  It's liberating and exhilarating.  Confidence does come the older you get, life experiences will tend to do that to ya, but it's something that can be learned at any age, at any time, through any circumstance.

The sexiest woman alive can instantly become the ugliest person ever.  The saying "actions speak louder than words" is a saying for a reason; it's true!  Those considered "not as beautiful" by a mis-guided society can become the most beautiful people on the earth.  What's such a heartbreaking shame to me, are girls not reaching their full potential.  It's so sad seeing a snobby beautiful girl.  It's so sad to see a bitter plain girl.  How beautiful they could be if they just broke out of society's labels.  How beautiful is a "beautiful" girl when she refrains from gossip?  When she lifts up those around her?  THAT makes a goddess out of a girl.  How beautiful is a "plain" girl when she is the life of the party, making everyone around her laugh?  Making everyone around her feel safe and happy?  THAT makes a goddess out of a girl.  There's no amount of makeup that can cover a rotting apple.  Whether you're beautiful and vain, plain and bitter, there is no makeup, there is no excuse, and there is no way to hide what you are.  There is no way to make yourself more beautiful than working from the inside out.  Makeup IS fun, but it's something that comes later.  It's icing, or not, that goes on the cake.  How you adorn yourself, heavy, light, or not at all, is personal preference, but it's something that comes AFTER you've worked on the inside.  It becomes a reflection of what's on the inside, not the other way around.  In order to feel beautiful, you gotta stop worrying about feeling beautiful.  :)  Stop worrying about things that don't matter.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to enhance your look, but there's no obsession that's healthy.

Things I had to learn to teach myself confidence:

*"I only care how I feel about myself.  I only care how I feel about myself."
* Smile often.  Smiling tricks your brain into thinking it's happy, even if you're not.  Actually smiling, 'cause you're happy, (and better yet, laughing) is even better.
*  Talk to yourself.  There's enough self mutilation going on in our minds as it is.  "You're fat, you're not pretty enough, not worthy enough..."  It's rubbish.  What stupid lies!  Poke the Leprechaun in your head, make him move out, and let someone kind start paying rent up there.  "I am beautiful, I am healthy, I am SO worth it!!"  Whether you believe it or not, the more your brain hears it, the more it'll get used to the idea.
*Forget yourself.  Narcissism- a generalized personality trait characterized by egotism, vanity, pride, or selfishness.  Mmmm, beautiful or not, isn't obsessing over your looks and talents just that?  Whether it's positive or negative, spending that much time thinking about yourself makes you narcissistic.  And that's never pretty.  Let's start thinking more about others than ourselves.  Service has to be one of the best ways I got over obsessing about how I look.  It's hard to think about yourself or what others think about you when you're so busy helping others.  Volunteer, do charity work.  It's as easy as holding the door open for someone disabled.  Doing something that doesn't revolve around you is my point.  It's not all about you, we share the world with over 7 billion people.  Make it about someone else and you won't care what you look like.
*Be your best friend.  Your best friend wouldn't let anyone call you ugly.  Be nice to yourself!  Respect yourself.  If you can't respect yourself, why do you expect others to respect you?
*Do things that invigorate you.  Meditate, dance, write poetry, blog.  Find things that let you express who you are.  There's so much beauty and talent in there, find ways to express it!  It's the best way to find your confidence, and to find out who you are.  How can you ever fall in love with someone if you never get to know them?  Get to know yourself!
*  Who cares?  This one could be my favorite.  Who cares?  We're only alive for maybe 90 years.  Will I care what I wore, what circles I ran in when I was 20?  Will I regret not doing what made me happy?  Will I regret not being myself, not accepting myself, not loving myself?  At the end of the day, who in the #$%^ cares????  At the end of this life, who was I trying to impress?  My shallow friend at 25?  My mentally abusive boyfriend at 35, 55, 65?  At what age will we finally learn that it doesn't matter?  Who cares???  M.S. and Fibromyalgia are what made it possible for me.  When you can't even take unassisted showers anymore, who cares what people think?  When you need help tying your shoes, buttoning your shirt, when you're writhing in pain, and wishing for death, why would I care about what anyone thinks about me?  Hallelujah I don't!  I can act dumb whenever I want, I can say whatever I want, I will step on your toes if I need to.  I stand up for myself, and you better watch out if I need to put you in your place.  I do not lack in the confidence department.  Pain was good for something.  :)  It takes losing it all to see how much you have.  And I have it all.  I am broke a#$ poor.  I am bed-ridden.  I hurt.  But I have it all.  I love myself, I love my awesome husband and children, my life is so very, very far from perfect, but I love it.  I wouldn't trade my body, my mind, my face, my anything for what someone else has.  Life is flawed.  Why not make the best of what's perfectly flawed?