Bloody, stubby nubs.

Someone asked me why I'm not blogging as much as I used to.  Bloody, stubby nubs.  That's what my fingers feel like.  It takes having chronic pain to understand what I'm saying.  It hurts to type on a keyboard.  It hurts so bad, I've been trying to comment less and less on Facebook.  The fewer things you comment on, the less you have to respond to.  Holy old.  Ooooh, it hurts bad.  I feel like a bad friend when it takes me a week to respond to an e-mail.  I have to mentally and physically prepare myself to respond to a letter.  I've been dying to blog.  My mind is always thinking, always busy, and of course it's always about Fibromyalgia and M.S.  What else do you think about, wracked with this much pain?  It's kind of like being pregnant.  Pregnancy sucks.  Pregnant people can only think about the pregnancy and their baby.  Pregnancy really consumes you.  You read all the pregnancy books, you watch all the pregnancy movies, it's on your mind 24/7.  Having a disease is the exact same way.  It totally consumes you.  You read all the books on it, watch all the documentaries on it.  It consumes your mind, just like pregnancy.  Pregnancy is so rude, up in your face.  The symptoms are awful!  How can you think about anything else when it's always in your face?  When you're always swollen, when you can never breath, sleep, when you're so dang tired all the time?  Ya can't.  That's why pregnant people are crazy.  It's all they talk about, think about, obsess about.  If it's not their feet, it's their back.  If it's not their head, it's their lungs, if it's not one thing, it's another.  Pregnancy is about the only think I can compare chronic pain to, so people who don't suffer from it can understand.  Even husband's get how crazy their wives are when they're pregnant.  Everyone can understand pregnancy, men and women alike.  Granted, only if they had pregnancies as evil and as hard as I did.  :)  Women who say, "I love being pregnant," or, "my pregnancies were fantastic" are evil, they need to die.  'Cause that's just not fair.  So if you fall into this class, my unfair friend, you are excluded, and have no idea what I am talking about.  If you, however, suffered the many uncomfortable side effects of pregnancy, you'll sort of have an idea what I'm talking about.  While pregnancy is uncomfortable, it doesn't even come close to comparing it to M.S. or Fibromyalgia.  So be grateful this discomfort wasn't nearly as horrific, and that it ended after nine months.  The example I give is to demonstrate the inability to be able to focus on anything else.  ALL you can think about while you're pregnant is how miserable you are.  The same holds true for many diseases, though most especially for those dealing with chronic pain.  How in the world are you supposed to think about anything else when it's always right there, always so severe?  I'll tell ya a secret, ya can't.  So as much as I'd like to blog more, and as much as I think about it and miss it, my bloody, stubby nubs are always like, "nah, that would hurt, why would we go that route?"  Eh, ya got me there, nubs.

In other news, I am Lyme and lime free!  I recently shared concerns over having Lyme disease.  Turns out I do not have it, hallelujah!  Lyme and Fibromyalgia can both lead to M.S.  Lyme is something that can be cured and treated if found in the early stages of the disease.  If left untreated, it will stay forever, which in turn can cause M.S.  I so hoped Fibromyalgia is what caused my M.S., and not a disease that I could have prevented.  I would have been angry beyond anything if I had known I could have prevented all of this.  Turns out, I am blameless.  Through no fault of my own, Fibromyalgia is what caused my M.S.  I am so grateful.  People with chronic pain deal with enough guilt and pain, whether anything was our fault or not, we still find a way to blame ourselves.  If I had to deal with a disease that I could have cured, I would need a whole lot of therapy.  For that brief moment of being scared waiting for the Lyme results, my heart really went out to those who suffer from Lyme.  What frustration.  Knowing some stupid, tiny insect can change and ruin the rest of your life.  That takes things to a whole new level.  Fibromyalgia and M.S. chose me, and there is nothing I could have done, or can do, to stop it.  I can't even pretend to understand the new pain dealing with Lyme must bring.  To my fellow chronic pain Lyme sufferers, my heart goes out to you.  I know chronic pain, but I cannot even begin to pretend that I know the extra pain and suffering Lyme brings.  We each deal with our own demons, and while M.S. can be about as bad as it gets, I am extremely grateful I am Lyme free.  I don't think that's an extra dynamic I could have added to what I am already facing.

So while writing more is something I want, and plan on doing, I'm trying to find the best way to go about it.  My husband is working more, which means more pain trying to take care of four very small children.  More pain trying to shower on my own.  More pain forcing myself on my treadmill.  More pain trying to fix myself healthier meals.  It's been rough.  I'm also weaning myself off of my pain killers.  I figure, M.S. permitting, if I want to live to be a hundred years old, Tramadol won't see me through.  My kidney's are showing signs of wear and tear.  Let's hit thirty before we kill them completely, eh?  So with that said, it's been even harder trying to do this pain killer free.  The pain is so very much in my face now.  I eat extremely healthy, I walk on my treadmill every day, my husband makes sure I sleep the extra time people with Fibromyalgia and M.S. need, and we're slowly trying to go the best route for me.  We're now using a pure iodine supplement  which should be helping tremendously.  I use lots of herbs, essential oils, massage, and a whole lot of laughter and friendship.  The best medicines out there.  While I have no idea what will help, what won't help, pharmaceutically or naturally, I'm trying to listen to my body.  Listen to what it wants.  How it feels.  It's an extremely slow and painful process, and I won't lie, cutting back on my yummy drugs sucks, but I want to live.  Living in pain is no way to live, I know that, and it's hard to decide whether or not you'd rather live a full, short life, or a long, painful life, but for now, I just want to let my body "speak."  I want to listen.  I want to try everything before I settle on one way.  So we'll see what the body says.  Regardless of anything, eating well, exercising, using oil's, supplements, sleeping well, sunshine, and laughter are a fantastic idea, even if used in conjunction with medications.  Oh, makeup and nail polish, too, let's not forget.  That's GREAT medication!  ;)

So let's see how the writing is affected.  Hopefully here in a little bit, it'll stop feeling so painful to write.  Until then, here's to one painfully funny day at a time.

And a laugh for your day.