Do you ever wake up already hating the day? Ugh, this happy day is brought to you by the letter F. F for F@%^ the Fibromyalgia. Pardon zee French, my friends, but on me bloggy blog, I'm just gonna keep it real and tell ya's how I feel. Facebook is for pretending I feel fine. :) This, this is to vent on the days where it hurts like a mother. Today hurts like a mother. The days that hurt, make me an emotional wreck. All the crap deep down in there just wants to bubble to the surface. Funny how pain'll do that to ya. Starting with my dreams last night. I told ya I dream like a freak. Last night I had a dream about my brothers. Let me tell ya somethin'. I've already mentioned the abuse I went through as a child. My brothers were my rocks. We were the best of friends. Sure, we tried to kill each other many times, but when it came down to needing each other, we were there. Ya know how on the play ground at school when someone made fun of your sibling, you'd lick the tar out of 'em? You could torment them at home, but if anyone else messed with them? You'd mess 'em up real good. That's how my brothers were. I was the only girl for almost 12 years. I grew up with nothing but five brothers. That is a very special bond. I dreamed about my two brothers in the military. Boy, am I so proud of my brothers. Let me tell you about these two in the military. My older brother is a Green Beret. The end. Does it get cooler than that? Oh yeah, he speaks fluent Chinese, too. My other military brother speaks Chinese, too. He's into Psychological Operations. All my brothers are pretty darn bad. The latter brother I speak of, holds a special place in my heart. He's my baby brother. Him and I have a very special relationship, always have. We were best friends growing up. We were so incredibly close as teenagers. We'd go jogging together and talk for hours. Although we have very different religious and political differences, no topic was ever off limits for us. We can talk about anything. We can talk emotions and say if we've hurt each other. I love my baby brother so much. He lives thousands of miles away from me on a military base. I live in the middle of nowhere. I don't know when the last time I saw him was. Mmm, I think it was four years ago? My heart aches for him sometimes. :( I miss his friendship so much. He can make any day horrible for me and turn it around. He's a very funny guy and just fun to be with. His presence makes you wanna do better. He's highly motivated and very crazy. :) In a very funny, crazy way. So I guess I've been missing him like crazy. He's getting deployed soon. My other brother is already deployed. I know I'm just sister, but I don't really like it. Anywho, my dream last night started me on the emotions. I missed Ron so much because of this dream. We were just hanging out in my dream and I remember dreading his deployment. I know I don't see him much but it makes me feel better knowing my brothers are in the same country I am. Don't get me started on the brother in Italy... Well, Ron was doing nails with me. Have I ever mentioned I'm a makeup artist? I love all things girly. So yeah, my brother was with me, talking to me as I was doing my nails. That could easily be two of my favorite things, talk and nails. It made me wake up missing him so much. In my dream, I was performing in a church production. My entire family was there to watch me in it. My family lives everywhere. My parents and baby sister (my best friend!) live in Utah, my oldest brother lives in Washington, (crazy, hilarious, also best friend!) my next oldest brother lives in Washington, too (he's the Green Beret.) Next brother is in Utah, next brother lives in Italy (his wife is in the Navy and they're deployed there) and baby brother is in North Carolina. It's poopy being so far from every one. They have all my nieces and nephews, too. :( Sad stuff. It was such a happy dream having everyone together. Every single one of them. That has never happened. We've never been together as a family. Not all of us 100% together at the same time. Not once.
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| My beautiful family! Grandparents (mom's parents) on the left. Was missing one brother here, a sister in law, and a niece and a nephew. We've since added a brother in law, two sister in law's and 7 kids to the picture. :) This was the Green Beret's wedding a while ago when baby sister was still my baby. :) |
It was such a good dream. I was mad when I woke up from it and realized how much I miss every one. I miss 'em like crazy. My mamma's in New York now, too. She's an R.N. and went to go volunteer and help after Sandy. So proud of my mamma but it made me realize how all over this country we really are. My husband's been applying for jobs all over the country with responses coming in from everywhere. This is the biggest tear-jerker. I'm four hours away from my sister. After 12 years of being the only girl, I prayed like mad for a sister. I finally got her. I changed her diapers, bathed her, dressed her, even shared a room with her. She was MY baby. Now that she's 15, she's my best friend. She's hilarious, and we're literally two peas in a pod. Our personalities are identical. We know what the other person is thinking and we're always laughing. I get free bus tickets to Utah. I get to see her many times a year and she spends her entire summers with us. The thought of moving away from her makes me cry every time I think about it. I don't wanna leave my mamma and sister, we're extremely close. Extremely. And whether people mean for it to happen or not, living far away does put a strain on any relationship. I don't want that to happen. I don't know where we're moving to, but my heart will die if it's too far from my sister. So yeah, thank you pain for making me an emotional wreck today. It all started with my dream, I woke up with a killer headache and a serious backache and it's cold. I'm freezing to death which makes the pain so much worse. I love Idaho, but man, this cold is gonna be the death of me. I'm gonna move to the equator and just burn my butt crack.
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