The Spoon Theory, by Christine Miserandino.

The Spoon Theory is a big deal in the Fibromyalgia community.  It was written by someone who has Lupus. Lupus is an awful auto-immune disease.  Very painful, and a lot of people with Fibromyalgia also have Lupus.  It's a story often used to help stupid (sorry, it's true) people understand that this is real.  Ok, it's also used to help people understand what it's like living with a disease like this.  :)  Glad I don't have to live with people like this, I'm far too outspoken, and to be quite honest, I'm pretty dam rude when it comes to stupid people.  I'll use what spoons I have left to bash you over the head, if needs be.  :)  Sorry, I have a painful disease.  We lose all lady-like qualities we MAY have once possessed.  :)  I used to be only a wee bit tactful before Fibromyalgia, so no worries, I didn't lose much.

The Spoon Theory

by Christine Miserandino www.butyoudontlooksick.com

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”.        

Hypoglycemia, and hot chocolate.

Wikipedia had this to say about Hypoglycemia:

Hypoglycemia is an abnormally diminished content of glucose in the blood. The term literally means "low sugar blood." It can produce a variety of symptoms and effects but the principle problems arise from an inadequate supply of glucose to the brain, resulting in impairment of function. Effects can range from mild dysphoria to more serious conditions such as seizures, unconsciousness, and (rarely) permanent brain damage or death.

It's been said that a blood sugar count of 70 or below determines Hypoglycemia. New research has proven that Hypoglycemia occurs when blood sugars drop too fast. For example, if your sugars dropped from 100 to 75 (which is considered a "good" blood sugar level) in 5 minutes, you would feel the effects of Hypoglycemia and THAT is what classifies Hypoglycemia.

 Many people with Fibromyalgia also have Hypoglycemia.  Why?  Who knows?  The connection has not yet been made.  I knew I had Hypoglycemia years before I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Like I've said, my husband has Type One Diabetes (Juvenile Diabetes.) He's the one who found out I had it. :) From the time I was a little girl, I remember never being able to last three hours for church. I'd black out, see spots, and be the nastiest person you've ever met. I would get ravenous for food, carbs, sugar, anything to help me feel better. It's funny how instincts work. Even as a little girl, I knew the only remedy was food. Our religion believes in fasting for spiritual purposes. I've never fasted a day in my life. I was convinced I had no will power, and I wasn't spiritual enough. I accepted the fact that I was weak, and I could never fast. I still tried, but I could never go more than two to three hours without breaking down and eating. I'd black out, shake like a leaf, and wanna die. After years of marriage and while pregnant with my third child, my husband said to me, "ya know, you have all my symptoms when I get low blood sugars. Maybe you should check yours." We have a house full of glucose checkers for the diabetic. I am terrified of needles, but 30 minutes of talking myself through it, I checked my sugars. 65. I was totally shocked. I have Hypoglycemia? Why? My family's so healthy, what does it mean? I had no idea, but from there on out, I felt better about not being able to fast, and made sure to eat every two hours. Many people get pregnancy induced Hypoglycemia, but I knew mine was not; I'd had these symptoms since I was a very little girl. When I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I also told her I had Hypoglycemia. She was the second doctor to tell me that this was the stage before Diabetes Type 2. Um, no. I eat healthier than most, I work out, my BMI is on the lower side of the healthy bracket, I wear a size 8 in pants, and I've had this my whole life. You're telling me that people in their 20's get Type 2 Diabetes when they're skinny and healthy? I think not, I'd be a medical wonder. I knew it wasn't true, but it scared me all the same! What was going on with me? She did a glucose test on me. I fasted all night, went in first thing in the morning, and waddia know? I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. My blood sugars were 120 (120 is the magic number for diagnosing Type 2 Diabetes.) after two hours. I went home devastated. My husband laughed. "Honey, family doctors don't know anything about Diabetes. It takes a specialist to 'read' blood sugars. Check your blood sugars now. Yes, you just had a ton of carbs, of course your sugars were high. Doctors check sugars after two hours when they should be checking them after three. EVERYONE is high after two. Check 'em." I did. I was low. I was at 60. Hubby was right. He went in to my next check up and was the one who explained to my doctor that her diagnosis was wrong. She agreed. She then diagnosed me with Reactive AND Fasting Hypoglycemia. This is rare.  It's usually one or the other.  Reactive means that when you eat too many sugars, and carbs, you'll get low. Fasting means that when you fast, you'll get too low. I have both, so when I eat high carb foods, I get low. When I wake up, I'm low, or if I go more than two hours, I get low. This is why I eat in my sleep sometimes. My Hypoglycemia is powerful, and I've eaten many times in my sleep to help my blood sugars. I've woken up to empty bags of chips that were completely full the night before. When I wake up, I've already eaten or I'm in the middle of eating. It's weird! When I don't sleep walk, I'm usually dreaming about food. Hypoglycemia (think about it, your brain is starving) is what gives me my intense nightmares, too. It makes my brain crazy and over active.

 Hypoglycemia is hereditary, so if someone in your family has it, or if you have Fibromyalgia, have your sugars checked. Two out of my four children have it. My baby is almost a year and a half and he's still taking bottles two to three times a night because of his Hypoglycemia. My four year old wakes up in the middle of the night to eat, and she has intense nightmares, and sleep walks like her mamma. It's exhausting, and it feels like poo. It makes you very emotional, and irrational when you're low. You couldn't drive, that's for sure. You'd probably kill someone. So to deal with this, I can't drink regular drinks. They all have to be diet. People laugh at me when I get a diet drink with my Big Mac. "Dude, you're an idiot. You think I'd be getting a Big Mac if I was worried about my weight, but I'd get a diet drink with it?" :) No more orange juice or fruit drinks, (that is OK, the acid hurts my stomach anyways.) not too many carbs, and plenty of salad's and chicken. Lots of chicken. :) Protein is fabulous for regulating your blood sugars. It keeps you full longer and carries you out longer, does that make sense? It helps regulate your sugars and keeps you full longer. There, that was easier. It makes a world of difference when you eat better. Not so many incidents, and you feel healthier and stronger. When I do need to stuff my face with crap, I just make sure that I eat something healthier in two hours.

 So something I've really missed is hot chocolate. It's cold out, and that's all the holidays are about, hot chocolate! Well, my hubby can't drink regular drinks either (he DOES take shots for food, but liquids go through his system too fast and the insulin doesn't counteract it fast enough. It messes up his sugars bad.) and we both love hot chocolate. Well, the dude's a genius. He's always experimenting with food, (he's the healthier out of the two of us, he's the family cook.:) and came up with the best low carb hot chocolate drink ever! It's great for dieters, Hypoglycemics, Diabetics, and heck, everyone. Sugar's bad for you! :) I can't tell you the fat or caloric content, but each cup contains 2-3 grams of carbs.

 Here's Adam's low carb, hot chocolate recipe:

 1 Tablespoon of baking cocoa

 3 Tablespoons of Splenda, Stevia, or your choice of sweetener. (There needs to be at least 3-4 times more Splenda than cocoa.)

 1/4 cup of water 

Add unsweetened, vanilla flavored Almond Milk to taste (The more you add, the lighter the chocolate taste becomes.)

 Mix the cocoa and Splenda together. Add the water, and heat to a boil. Boil for about two minutes, and add the Almond Milk.

 This makes about 4-5 cups.

I have the freedom to complain. Thank you, Veterans!

Veterans Day was officially yesterday, but since most are celebrating it today, I figured I'd post something today.  I'm a huge patriot.  A BIG one!  I love America more than anything else.  No matter who runs the country at any time, no matter the politics or what anyone says, I LOVE my country.  My mother was born and raised in Israel.  Her mother was born and raised in Italy.  My siblings were the first to be born in this great country.  On my mom's side, we're first generation Americans.  My mother taught me from the very start; this country is pretty darn amazing.  Her country's at war.  Sure, we're at war, doesn't mean our neighborhoods get blown up on a regular basis.  She's never lived in such a free country and she's never loved a country like America.  Mamma raised me right.

Me and Mommy!

Many members of my family have served in the U.S. military throughout the years.  I take my hat off to you.  Wars for this country have been severe.  They were politically, personally, and spiritually rough.  Thank you, to all who have ever served to give me this beautiful country.  Your sacrifice made this possible, and you gave it all without even know what the outcome would be.  That is true sacrifice.  You gave your personal time, your sanity, left your families behind, and yes, some even giving your very lives.  It will never be forgotten.

To my two brothers and sister that still serve today, thank you.  You still give of your time, your sanity, you leave your families behind, and I pray every day you will never be asked to give your lives.

My beautiful sister, Sashia.  She pretty much rocks the Navy's boat.  She's married to my brother and they have two beautiful children.  She's stationed in Italy right now.

My brother Adam, during his tour of Afghanistan.  He speaks fluent Chinese and if I told you what he did, I'd have to kill you "with this thumb!"  Kidding.  :)  He leaves a wife and three children behind.   

My baby brother, Ron.  He's in Psychological Operations, speaks Chinese, and has served in both the United States Air Force and the United States Army.  He's awaiting deployment orders and will leave his wife behind.

Thank you, Veterans.  Thank you from the Revolutionary War, to the war on terrorism today.  There is not a day where we don't enjoy the freedom's you gave us.  

Thank you to future soldiers.  Our son's and daughters that will give their lives in defending our freedoms.  

Now, a special thank you.  Thank you military wives.  Thank you military husbands.  Thank you military children.  Military mothers, grandparents, siblings, girlfriends, boyfriends, significant others, all of you!  Thank you.  Thank you for letting us have the person you love more than anything in this world.  Thank you for your sacrifice as well.  We know that without a strong love on the home front, none of these amazing people could do what they do.  Thank you for your love, your support, your biggest sacrifice.  For all the pregnancies they've missed, for the births that were undertaken alone, for your children that go so long without a good night kiss and a bedtime story from their father.  We can never understand what it's like to be in your shoes.  We can only say thank you.  Thank you and God bless.  May your loved one(s) be in your arms soon.

I don't care how many times I see this picture, I'm still bawlin' like a baby.

True love.

        

I.C.O.F.U.

That sounds bad.  It's not what you think, it stands for in case of  flare up.  What's a flare up?  It's what it sounds like; your pain flare's up.  :)  It's brought on by the weather, extra stress, a sickness, or hey, for no reason whatsoever, maybe your body just thought it was time for one.

Here's what to do in case of an emergency:

-Grab that dang "Lucy!"  (See yesterday's entry.)  Take the medications you've been prescribed for pain.  You have 'em for a reason.  No need to suffer.

-If you don't have a heating blanket, you best be investin'!  Heat is amazing for inflammation and feels oh so good.

-Taking a seriously hot bath (whether you have a heating blanket or not!) helps a lot.  A bath bomb will most definitely help with the stress it's brought on, too.  Epsom salt helps to pull toxins out of the body and helps sore muscles, that one's always good and really cheap.

-If you have rice packs, or any heating packs, use them!  They'll be your best friends.

-Have you heard of BioFreeze?  It's an all natural version of IcyHot.  So much better, though.  Works better and it's all natural.  It's a combination of Menthol and Arnica (a natural pain killer.)  Google it, that stuff works really well on me.

-Avoid caffeine, sugar, coffee, tea or chocolate.  I know it sounds like these could be comfort foods, but it's one of the worst things you could do for Fibro, let alone a flare up.  These are stimulants and yeah, they stimulate an already pissed off body. DO make sure you're drinking enough water.  Dehydration makes everything worse and people with Fibro tend to not drink enough as it is.  

-Try to distract your mind.  I know that sounds impossible, but try.  I started this blog because of a bad flare up I was having.  I thought maybe if I wrote about the pain it would help, it did.  Don't do anything too aggressive, we're trying to eliminate pain here.  Maybe take up writing like you've always wanted to.  It's winter now, maybe knitting?

-Get all the help you can.  Don't do the dishes.  Don't clean up the mess in the bathroom.  Trying to fight through a flare up will only make it worse.  Ask for help from a spouse, friend, parent, sibling, neighbor, any resources you have, use 'em.  Too embarrassing?  Ok, let it sit there.  It's just dirty dishes.  They can wait until you're feeling sort of better again.

-Find comfort in any form you can.  Yes, I mean whip out those fuzzy socks, that heating blanket and your "I don't function without coffee" pajamas.  Whine to someone, write about it.  Talking or writing about it helps.

-Romeo and Juliet.  'Nuff said.

-Sleep/rest as much as you can.  This probably isn't realistic for any of us.  Most of us work or have kids.  I have four kids ages 6, 4, 3 and 16 months.  So it's mostly, "she did this!"  "He hit me."  "Fill up my sippy."  "I'm hungry."  It never ends.  I never sit down.  I did say try.  Just make sure you're getting enough sleep every night.  I read a study saying people with Fibro actually need 10-12 hours of sleep a night.  I know that's how much a newborn sleeps,  but really, sleep is great for our old bodies and you know EXACTLY what lack of sleep does to us.  Peeps need not fear a zombie apocalypse when we're not sleeping enough.  

-Above all, relax.  "This too shall pass."  Flare ups come and go.  Deal with them in the best possible ways you can.  DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP!!!  Don't make me beat you over the head.  If you had control over your body, you wouldn't feel any pain.  You do feel pain, there's nothing you can do about it, so why in the heck make yourself feel guilty on top of it all?  That will take longer for a flare up to dissipate.  Don't do it.  Guilt is NOT invited to this little party we're havin' here!  

Couldn't live without my heating blanket!

         

"Lucy in the sky with diamonds!"

It takes me two hours to get myself ready for church.  Shaving my legs, washing muh hair, blow drying, straightening, then 45 minutes for makeup and another 15 trying to squeeze myself into an outfit and then frosting myself with jewelry.  It's no easy feat getting me ready.  :)  Then, it's getting the kids dressed, teeth brushed, hair brushed and styled, fed, diapers changed, making sure everyone has peed and been fed and watered.  We started our endeavors at 10:30 this morning.  Church starts at 1:00 and we were half an hour late.  :/  I don't know how early we'd have to start to get this family ready.  We've tried getting ready earlier, we have the diaper bag ready to go the night before, kids get bathed the night before, and outfits are all laid out.  I don't get it.  By this time, I'm so incredibly grateful for Tramadol.  For years I wasn't able to go to church.  It hurt like nothing else.  By the time I got myself and the kids ready, I was in so much pain; there was no way I could wrestle the kids at church and sit for three hours straight.  Tramadol has changed my life.  I've been going to church every week for the last few months now.  I've loved being able to go back.  I love church, love the way it makes me feel.  Tramadol has been a blessing in my life, I've been able to do so much more now that I'm on it.  By no means does it completely eradicate the pain, it just makes it tolerable.  It makes me super nauseated, and high, though.  Yep, I go to church high.  My bishop (our version of a preacher or minister) asked how I've been able to come back to church.  "I'm incredibly high, Bishop!"  "Yeah!  Alright!", he says with a laugh.  "Keep it up."  It's a family joke that once the Tramadol kicks in, we sing "Lucy in the sky with diamonds."  My sister dies laughing when I start singing it.  She knows I'm high.  I don't abuse Tramadol, I take the exact prescription I was instructed to take.  I can't control  the side effects of it.  It's take it, or refuse to live.  I kind of sort of have to live.  You wouldn't ask a diabetic to stop taking his medications, would you?  Eh, well there ya go.  The nauseated and high feeling are the side effects I am more than willing to live with, 'cause the other side effect, less pain, is too strong to ignore.  And I dunno, being high and care free is kind of nice when you've been crying from pain and stressing out over your debilitating disease that you'll have for the rest of your life.  What?  It's the truth, I told you I'd be perfectly honest here.  And please, judge me or not, do you honestly think I care what you think?  Honey, I'm "Lucy in the sky with diamonds!"   

Let's face it, my Lucy in the sky would most definitely involve something with Star Trek...

   

Hey, whatever helps... :)

I fight like a girl!

Purple and butterflies are the official color and symbol for both Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia.  Here's a butterfly for Rachelle.  Sisters in pain and strength.

Talked to a dear friend last night, who's name also happens to be Rachelle.  She was recently diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.  It's an auto-immune disease that hurts like a mother.  We talked about how hard it was living with something so devastatingly painful for the rest of our lives.  We laughed at the similarities we had, it felt good to relate and to laugh.  We talked about our treatment plans and the way people have re-acted (or failed to re-act, in some cases) to our illnesses.  We talked about the psychological pain it brings, not to mention the pain we were both feeling just from typing to each other.  Yeah, someone gets my typing on a computer pain!  She told me one of the medications she needed to be taking would prevent her from having children.  She doesn't have any.  I have four.  Made me shut up for a while and realize how much I have.  Something else for me to be grateful for.  She's an artist.  Bright, young 23 year old young woman who just graduated with her bachelor's degree.  There are days she can't even use her hands to do what she loves, what she does for a living.  My heart went out to her.  I haven't been able to do anything since my pain started.  My dream is to get an M.A. in Nautical Archaeology.  The thought of doing anything, would require energy and strength I'm not quite sure I have.  Did you know that 25-65% of people with Fibromyalgia also have R.A.?  The two are closely related.  It's a proven fact that once you have one auto-immune disease, you're far more likely to develop another one.  My husband, Adam always has to get his Thyroid checked at his diabetes check ups for that very reason.  I know it's sort of pessimistic of me, but I'm almost waiting for the next one.  My mom and brother have Hypothyroidism.  I'm scared of that one, it would heighten all of my Fibro symptoms.  In the meantime, I'm trying to fight this monster the best way I can.  How do you even do that?  Chocolate, sexy books, lots of hot sex, (gotta keep them endorphin's up.) good crying moves, like Romeo and Juliet, laughing all the time, and of course, many hot showers and the ever present heating blanket and rice packs.  Everyone has their trials.  I don't pretend mine are more or less important that anyone else's.  They are just mine.  We all have thing's we're going through, no, they're not easy.  Whether you're dealing with cancer or the loss of a loved one, know that you're not alone.  Know that you're loved and there are those that are going through exactly what you're going through.  Boy, do I understand emotional and physical pain.  I can't even tell you how life has forced me to be sympathetic.  We live in a culture that feels we should be stronger.  That we need to put our super hero cape's on and do it all.  I will be a size 0, I will have an immaculate house, my kids will be popular, bright and well behaved.  Not only will I run a powerful business, I'll also have dinner on the table at five, which by the way, the centerpiece on it is hand crafted by yours truly.  I'm a size 8, my house is always a wreck, my kids will kill each other from fighting, I had to quit my dream job because of pain.  I don't cook, (can't stand long enough to do it, Adam does all the cooking.) and crafty?  Hahha, ask my mother in law how my last "crafty" project went.  It wasn't even all that crafty.  It was a dumb headband I couldn't even braid.  Tried three times and gave up.  I don't have a crafty bone in my body, but guess what?  I listen to my kids, I give my husband porn star sex and all the time, (I'm a freak in the bedroom, sorry for the nasty details, I'm very blunt.) I am the best shoulder to cry on.  I understand the pain you're feeling.  I've been to hell and back with my abuse, I understand a lot of the evils in this world.  I also understand the body very well and how it can turn on you.  Unless you're an absolute idiot, I'm the least judgmental person you'll meet.  We're all at different stages in our lives and I understand you're the way you are because of your experiences, I love you for that and for who you are.  I'll cry and sympathize with you and be excited with you in your joys.  I am not what the world thinks I should be.  I'm what I say I should be.  I won't ever tell you to toughen up and deal with it.  Before you can deal with anything, you must deal with it first.  I think trying to pretend there's nothing wrong just puts you in denial, I think it's very unhealthy.  I'll be the first to tell you Fibromyalgia sucks.  Why should I pretend it doesn't when it does?  Yeah, every now again, I'm throwing the best pity party you've ever seen.  I party hard for an 80 year old woman!  I bust out all the junk food, pop in Titanic, crank up the heating blanket and cry.  I cry that I'll have to deal with this for the rest of my life.  I cry I'll never be the wife and mother I want to be.  I cry, then I laugh.  Then it's over for the time, helps me take on the rest of the week.  I may not be the wife and mother the world "thinks" I should be, but I'm a dang good listener.  I don't miss the time to love up on my children, to kiss every boo boo, to listen to their bad dreams and tell them I'm here to protect them.  I don't miss out on the time to perfect my relationship with my husband.  I can barely move, so what else would I be doing but talking?  My husband and I are the best of friends.  Not only is the booty good, but I could seriously just spend the rest of my life just talking to this guy.  We laugh, all the time.  Everything is funny to us and we hardly take anything seriously.  We're incredibly poor, we're college kids with four children.  We don't have money or the means for anything.  That is ok.  Our goal in life is to be happy regardless of our financial means.  We are madly in love and lovin' every day with our children.  Our trials have made us incredibly sympathetic.  I don't regret for one day the things I have gone through.  It has made me, me and I love me.  The imperfect, perfectly flawed me.  I'd rather be loving, sympathetic and understanding than be cold, judgmental, rich and beautiful.  I do not plan to take this life for granted and I'll do the best I can.  With what I've been given and with my limitations, I'm trying awfully hard.  I thank God for believing in me, for thinking I can handle everything I've been given thus far.  (Oy veh, what does the future hold...?)  I thank him for my trials.  They've made me strong, yet understanding.  I am also thankful for my friends.  Thankful for my other decrepit friends who feel 80 years old, too.  It's good to know you're never alone.  I'm grateful for my friends who struggle as well in other areas.  Don't you dare ever think you're weak for not handling it better.  There is no better way to handle it than what you're doing now.  Stay strong, don't give up and don't forget to laugh at something today.

I fight like a girl, biotch!  This is me today, fighting pain and a headache, but fighting all the same.

Seasonal despondency.

Yes, the dreaded winter blues.  Oy vey, if I have the energy to finish writing this, we'll talk a little bit about it.

Here's what Wikipedia has to says about it:

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression, winter blues, summer depression, summer blues, or seasonal depression, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter or summer, spring or autumn year after year. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), SAD is not a unique mood disorder, but is "a specifier of major depression"

Symptoms of SAD may consist of difficulty waking up in the morning, morning sickness, tendency to oversleep and over eat, especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on or completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities and decreased sex drive.   All of this leads to depression, pessimistic feelings of hopelessness, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder.

Here's what I have to say about it:

It blows.  

SAD is common in those with Fibromyalgia and in fact, it's also common in all with an auto-immune disease. Eh-heh.  More reason for me to believe Fibro's an auto-immune disease.  Ya see, people with an auto-immune disease are already a wee bit low in Serotonin, the happy chemical released in your brain.  Most people release so much a day, as to keep depression at bay.  Those with auto-immune diseases don't make as much.  That's why depression is most often a symptom of all auto-immune diseases.  Did you also know that people who live in the northern states (or just in places with less sunshine :) are more likely to develop an auto-immune disease due to lack of sunshine?  Didn't have Fibro symptoms or a diagnosis until I moved up here...mmmm.... Hubby and I are both plagued by SAD.  I have Fibro, he has Type One Diabetes (an auto-immune disease, commonly called Juvenile Diabetes.)  We never got SAD in Texas.  Plenty of sunshine, (headed my way, sorry, had to) no snow, and hardly ever a cloudy day.  Whooeee, Idaho changed all of that for us.  It snows an average of 6 months!  Why, that's downright scandalous for us Southern folk.  Who's ever heard of such a thing?  It's not just non-stop snow, it's dark and depressing.  It's dark right now as I'm writing this, at 5:30 p.m.  Oy vey.  Winter in Texas may be chilly, ahem, like 45 degrees, but the sun's still shinning on those cold days.  We're still sweating in November and can be swimming as early as February.  Darlin', we don't do SAD in dem parts.  It's so bad up here, the University my hubby's attending, offers free light therapy to everyone in the area.  Yes, you sit in front of a light and feel all better.  Turns out your brain needs the sun.  ;)  If I weren't so tired and feeling like the world's gonna end tomorrow, (or December 21st ;) I'd actually go do it.  Eh, turns out I'm too tired.  We're getting feet of snow tonight, sigh... not to mention today was dark and gloomy.  I went to bed earlier last night, completely exhausted, slept in later than usual and just woke up from a nap.  I heard baby crying from his nap.  "Honey, baby's awake!"  No answer.  Ok, I'll get him.  Hubby was passed out on the couch.  We've been zombies today, totally exhausted.  I can't believe how this can effect you.  Mentally, physically and emotionally.  I have no desire to do anything.  The house could be swept up in a tornado (see, we're Texans...) and I'd ask it to quiet down so I could sleep.  That's all I want to do.  Feels like my energy has been completely sucked out of me.  Curse you, Dementors!  

Hubby and I will be completely out of commission for the next, oh until he graduates and we move out of here, which will be around, mmm, 9 more weeks?  After my fifth year of surviving Idaho's winters, I can do another 9 weeks, right?  Right, I can, right?  Please tell me I can!!!!

  

I'm a total biotch today, I have Fibro, I'm gonna use it, ok??? ;)

Do you ever wake up already hating the day?  Ugh, this happy day is brought to you by the letter F.  F for  F@%^ the Fibromyalgia.  Pardon zee French, my friends, but on me bloggy blog, I'm just gonna keep it real and tell ya's how I feel.  Facebook is for pretending I feel fine.  :)  This, this is to vent on the days where it hurts like a mother.  Today hurts like a mother.  The days that hurt, make me an emotional wreck.  All the crap deep down in there just wants to bubble to the surface.  Funny how pain'll do that to ya.  Starting with my dreams last night.  I told ya I dream like a freak.  Last night I had a dream about my brothers.  Let me tell ya somethin'.  I've already mentioned the abuse I went through as a child.  My brothers were my rocks.  We were the best of friends.  Sure, we tried to kill each other many times, but when it came down to needing each other, we were there.  Ya know how on the play ground at school when someone made fun of your sibling, you'd lick the tar out of 'em?  You could torment them at home, but if anyone else messed with them?  You'd mess 'em up real good.  That's how my brothers were.  I was the only girl for almost 12 years.  I grew up with nothing but five brothers.  That is a very special bond.  I dreamed about my two brothers in the military.  Boy, am I so proud of my brothers.  Let me tell you about these two in the military.  My older brother is a Green Beret.  The end.  Does it get cooler than that?  Oh yeah, he speaks fluent Chinese, too.  My other military brother speaks Chinese, too.  He's into Psychological Operations.  All my brothers are pretty darn bad.  The latter brother I speak of, holds a special place in my heart.  He's my baby brother.  Him and I have a very special relationship, always have.  We were best friends growing up.  We were so incredibly close as teenagers.  We'd go jogging together and talk for hours.  Although we have very different religious and political differences, no topic was ever off limits for us.  We can talk about anything.  We can talk emotions and say if we've hurt each other.  I love my baby brother so much.  He lives thousands of miles away from me on a military base. I live in the middle of nowhere.  I don't know when the last time I saw him was.  Mmm, I think it was four years ago?  My heart aches for him sometimes.  :(  I miss his friendship so much.  He can make any day horrible for me and turn it around.  He's a very funny guy and just fun to be with.  His presence makes you wanna do better.  He's highly motivated and very crazy.  :)  In a very funny, crazy way.  So I guess I've been missing him like crazy.  He's getting deployed soon.  My other brother is already deployed.  I know I'm just sister, but I don't really like it.  Anywho, my dream last night started me on the emotions.  I missed Ron so much because of this dream.  We were just hanging out in my dream and I remember dreading his deployment.  I know I don't see him much but it makes me feel better knowing my brothers are in the same country I am.  Don't get me started on the brother in Italy... Well, Ron was doing nails with me.  Have I ever mentioned I'm a makeup artist?  I love all things girly.  So yeah, my brother was with me, talking to me as I was doing my nails.  That could easily be two of my favorite things, talk and nails.  It made me wake up missing him so much.  In my dream, I was performing in a church production.  My entire family was there to watch me in it.  My family lives everywhere.  My parents and baby sister (my best friend!) live in Utah, my oldest brother lives in Washington, (crazy, hilarious, also best friend!) my next oldest brother lives in Washington, too (he's the Green Beret.)  Next brother is in Utah, next brother lives in Italy (his wife is in the Navy and they're deployed there) and baby brother is in North Carolina.  It's poopy being so far from every one.  They have all my nieces and nephews, too.  :(  Sad stuff.  It was such a happy dream having everyone together.  Every single one of them.  That has never happened.  We've never been together as a family.  Not all of us 100% together at the same time.  Not once.

My beautiful family!  Grandparents (mom's parents) on the left. Was missing one brother here, a sister in law, and a niece and a nephew.  We've since added a brother in law, two sister in law's and 7 kids to the picture.  :)  This was the Green Beret's wedding a while ago when baby sister was still my baby.  :)

It was such a good dream.  I was mad when I woke up from it and realized how much I miss every one.  I miss 'em like crazy.  My mamma's in New York now, too.  She's an R.N. and went to go volunteer and help after Sandy.  So proud of my mamma but it made me realize how all over this country we really are.  My husband's been applying for jobs all over the country with responses coming in from everywhere.  This is the biggest tear-jerker.  I'm four hours away from my sister.  After 12 years of being the only girl, I prayed like mad for a sister.  I finally got her.  I changed her diapers, bathed her, dressed her, even shared a room with her.  She was MY baby.  Now that she's 15, she's my best friend.  She's hilarious, and we're literally two peas in a pod.  Our personalities are identical.  We know what the other person is thinking and we're always laughing.  I get free bus tickets to Utah.  I get to see her many times a year and she spends her entire summers with us.  The thought of moving away from her makes me cry every time I think about it.  I don't wanna leave my mamma and sister, we're extremely close.  Extremely.  And whether people mean for it to happen or not, living far away does put a strain on any relationship.  I don't want that to happen.  I don't know where we're moving to, but my heart will die if it's too far from my sister.  So yeah, thank you pain for making me an emotional wreck today.  It all started with my dream, I woke up with a killer headache and a serious backache and it's cold.  I'm freezing to death which makes the pain so much worse.  I love Idaho, but man, this cold is gonna be the death of me.  I'm gonna move to the equator and just burn my butt crack.

I'm a very curvaceous woman.

I'm the one on the left.

I could talk to you for hours about the benefits of chiropractic work.  You see, before Fibromyalgia completely destroyed my life, I was an office manager for a chiropractor for three years.  I loved that job more than any other job I've ever had.  I loved it.  It was my passion.  My pain decided it wasn't.  I quit because I couldn't take the pain any more.  A decision I still regret.  A decision I knew I had to make.  It wasn't easy, but it was one I was forced into.  I still get free adjustments and free professional massages.  My massage therapist also happens to be my best friend.  It's quite therapeutic to get a two hour massage along with dumping all my emotional crap on her, too.  Boy, I could talk to you for hours about the benefits of massage therapy, too.  Holy smokes, it's good for all but very beneficial for Fibro.  So, my spine.  Let's talk bones for a minute.  Ya see, when you have Fibro, your muscles are pissed off all the time.  Waddia think that does to your spine?  That's right.  It pulls the spine in all sorts of directions.  When I first started getting adjusted, I had a reverse curve in my neck, and my spine was in the shape of an S.  I don't have Scoliosis.  I have Fibromyalgia.  I wasn't diagnosed with Fibro at the time I started getting adjustments, so I was quite shocked when I saw my x-rays.  With time, my chiropractor was able to correct the reverse curve in my neck and also got rid of the first curve in my spine.  I shrunk because my Fibro got so bad.  I went from 5'6 to 5'4.  He got me back to 5'6.  I still have an incredibly huge c shape at the base of my spine.  That one doesn't seem to want to get fixed.  I guarantee you, I'd be 5'9 if that was straight.  It's huge.  We're still working on it.  Angry muscles can't hold a spine in place, though.  I strongly encourage you to get massaged along with your chiropractic adjustments.  Muscles can't hold your spine in place when they're inflamed and muscles are inflamed when the spine is crooked.  The two go hand in hand and honestly, I do believe you have to get both to get optimal results.  I don't think you're hubby should be massaging you, either.  I would pop you in the eye if you told me your cousin Francis, the cake decorator, was adjusting your spine.  The spine is a very delicate system, you only go to professionals to get it adjusted.  The same goes for your muscles.  It takes a very trained professional to know how the muscles work, and how to work them.  My husband can give me a headache and make things worse.  I've had my friend give him some pointers.  He still doesn't give me full blown massages.  He works some tender nodes the way he's been trained to.  You won't believe the difference a professional massage will make.  We're not talking about a massage feeling good, you should get one.  We're talking massage can heal and yes, cure you of many things.  It's a treatment.  I highly recommend getting one.  Fibro or not.  You'll be surprised what they can find.  For example, my massage therapist can make me poop better than any cleanse I've ever done.  I'm sure you wanted to know that.  She found that my colon is seriously inflamed.  She found my intestines are closed off and seriously inflamed.  My Pancreas is very inflamed.  She massaged my stomach and I pooped for two days.  For someone who poops once a week, (something that comes with Fibro) that's a pretty big deal.  She was also the one who found the source of my Cluster Headaches.  My muscles were pulling my Atlas out of place, the very top vertebrae in your neck.  If that puppy's off, you're in a lot of pain, my friend.  I have to have that one put back in place every time I get adjusted.  Helps the headaches by about 95%.  She also found ripped muscles in my shoulders.  Ouch!  Sprained muscles, who knew?  I was able to take steroids to kill the fever in them.  She has been 95% of my treatment plan and has offered 100% pain relief.  I am not 100% pain free by any means, but she's made me feel 100% better.  I highly recommend.  

See how painful a crooked spine could be?  It only takes the weight of a dime to feel pain.  Take a look at what a pinched spine could be trapping.

Nerves come out of the spaces you see in-between the spine.  See how they could be trapped and pinched?

Click on me to see a bigger version.

C'mon, it's not rocket science.  Brain = computer.  Nerves = transmitters.  Your brain will send a signal to your kidneys through your nerves.  Spine is pinched?  Your kidney's not getting the message it needs.  Kidney problems.  So much is related to your spinal health.  Rubbing nerves?  Lots of pain.  Your foot pain could very well be related to your spine.  Symptoms you may not even think could be related, often come back to the spine.  Blindness has been treated from chiropractic adjustments.  The very first chiropractic adjustment cured a deaf man.  You'd be surprised.   

Zee boobies are frozen solid.

Okay, I said lack of sleep is one of the worst things for someone with Fibromyalgia.  Fibro fog must have made me forget that the cold is also extremely bad for my decrepit body.  I live in Idaho.  The very cold part of Idaho.  We're Texans only up here going to school.  Let me tell ya what a shock it's been to the body.  Wow, it's been a shock.  :)  We usually get feet of snow and this part of Idaho is so incredibly windy, too.  What's funny is that it's as humid here as it is in Texas.  So it's the wet, down to your bones kind of cold.  It's not an ideal setting for someone like me.  Let me compare myself to your grandmother again.  When you're old and your body doesn't work, you can't handle the cold because it makes your joints and muscles even more stiff, causing more pain.  Ever wonder why people move to Florida in their golden years?  It's no secret.  Old, stiff bodies can't handle cold weather.  Fibromites and older people are extremely cold intolerant (oy vey, I've heard horror stories of growing old WITH Firbo!)  I can tell ya when a storm's a brewin'.  I'll get a headache for sure, but my body will be incredibly stiff and hurts so much more.  So non-stop cold is killer.  I'll be yo grandma this winter, for sure.

Think I'm rootin' for the hubby to get a Florida job?  Golden years, here I come!

Sunday; day of rest, not by choice.

Mmmm, Han's dreamy...

Today hurts, I tell ya what.  I only took half of my Tramadol dose last night, think that's what my problem was.  Tramadol keeps me from sleep walking, having nightmares, kills the insomnia and actually keeps me asleep.  Didn't work last night.  I had a hard time falling asleep; I think it was around four in the morning I ended up falling asleep.  I kept waking up all night, too.  Serious nightmares all night, but some good ones, too.  Harrison Ford, anyone?  (Pretty sure that one happened because I had the Star Wars theme stuck in my head right before I fell asleep.)  I dream so intensely.  This is why I sleep walk so bad.  Today hurts, I tell ya what.  Lack of sleep is one of the worst things for someone with Fibromyalgia.  Many of us have to take sleeping pills to help with that.  My doctor tried giving me Trazodone.  Nasty stuff.  The Tramadol's been working well enough for that, but the last few nights, nothing.  Don't know how to fix that one.  Yet another thing to try and fix.  Looking for another way to feel better.  Bad quality sleep means bad quality days.  Today is one of those days.  Days like today, you just drag your feet with the hope that tomorrow will be better.  It's only one day; a drop in the bucket.  You only survive days like today knowing that tomorrow has to be better.  That this too must pass.            

Who takes three weeks to recover from a cold? This lady.

Most people with Fibro don't have immune systems.  I am one of those people.  I avoid sickness like it's the Black Plague.  Even a cold.  I've been sick, with just a cold, for three weeks now.  Who does that?

My kids know the second they walk in the house, they're gonna have to sanitize.  Sometimes it's a race to see who can yell, "sanitize" first.  Germaphobe?  Most definitely.  :)  Hubby's a full time student, we both work on and off for a chiropractor, and have I ever mentioned we have four kids ages 6 and under???  Don't have time for sickness.  RSV scares me so bad, too.  One of my babies was hospitalized twice for that.  Hooked up to an oxygen tank, plugged into an IV, it was awful.  We spent days in the hospital and we had a newborn, too.  Its symptoms resemble just a regular cold, but it's very dangerous for children under two.  My baby is 15 months old.  I don't wanna go down that road again.  Almost have them all out of the briar patch.  Anywho, it's very bad up here in Idaho for that sort of stuff.  So glad it's the last winter to worry about it.  We'll be moving somewhere shortly when hubby graduates in six weeks.  Hoorah!  Let's get this Fibro mamma into some warmer weather.          

Pain's pretty darn sexy.

Ya know the advertisements you see of a sexy woman suffering from her Fibromyalgia?  I am here today to tell you how it really is.  We're really that hot.  

Okay, so it's a little more like this, who's keeping track????

Geez, Archer...

I saw my doctor on Halloween and he suggested I try Lyrica.  All Fibro medications have been suggested to me, haven't wanted to try one.  There's Cymbalta, which is a big one for Firbro, tried it and didn't like, and then there's Lyrica.  These are the two big ones used.  He gave me three bottles of samples.  They're still sitting in my purse.  Like I previously said, I'm a freak about taking medications.  I seriously research and educate myself before I put anything in my mouth.  I take into consideration what my doctor said, how I feel, the things I read, and how others have reviewed them.  A doctor's suggestions is just that; a suggestion.  When it comes to life threatening things, it's quite different.  Fibro ain't gonna kill me, so I do feel my treatment plan is my decision.  He strongly urged me to take Lyrica.  He said common side effects were fatigue and swelling.  "Um, you've seen my kids when they come in with me, very energetic.  I have four, very small children.  My fatigue is bad enough.  I need all the energy I can get."  He laughed, 'cause he most certainly does remember my kids.  I'm pretty sure HE needs medication after they leave.  :)  And please, swelling?  I get pregnancy induced Hypothyroidism the second I get knocked up, until about 8 months after baby is born.  That, on top of a Fibromyalgia pregnancy?  Oy, vey.  I eat like a monster.  I was 110 pounds when I got married at 5'6.  I get up to 220 pounds when I'm pregnant. (Don't ask me how I did it four times.  I don't know.  Fibro fog?)  I lost most of it after every pregnancy.  I've lost most of it after this last pregnancy.  I still have 20 pounds to go, though.  You think it's easy to lose weight?  Period?  But with Fibro?  Are you double kidding me?  I have to work my butt off and literally kill myself to lose it.  With 20 more to go, you think in a million years I'd take anything to counter act that?  Fat chance.  No pun intended.  So, with Halloween, I didn't give the Lyrica a second thought.  Thought I'd do my research this morning.  Fatigue, weight gain, Hypoglycemia, (already have an extreme case of that) memory loss, difficulty concentrating, dizziness, swelling, and flu like symptoms are all of the symptoms associated with Lyrica.  Um... I already have EVERY single one of those symptoms.  So I don't get what it's supposed to do when it will give me exactly what I'm already experiencing... More memory loss?  Ya kidding me?  I'm working on one brain cell as it is.  You take that away from me, I'll be classified as mentally retarded.  Gotta give that little guy the best shot he's got.  Don't think Lyrica's gonna help him out.  As I read the symptoms aloud to my husband, my six year old loudly exclaimed, "no, nu-uh, you do NOT need that!  No Lyrica, Mamma."  Ok, I guess the verdict's out.  No Lyrica for me.  At least not at this time.  It's worked wonders for some, I just don't think it's for me right now.  I was so hoping it wouldn't have extreme side effects.  My doctor was hoping that the Lyrica, with the Tramadol, would help me so much more than just the Tramadol alone.  I was, too.  The dose he gave me this time is not very strong.  He's worried I'll get addicted (duh, it's an opiate AND my condition is for life...um....anywho...) to them so he cut the dose back.  Owww.  It hurt's to type on the keyboard.  It feels like my skin is ripped off and I'm typing with bloody nubs.  My arms hurt from resting on the table.  My bum hurts from sitting in this chair.  It hurts, I tell ya.

We're seriously some of the biggest Star Trek nerds you'll ever meet.  We watch Star Trek on Amazon every night.  Right now we're doing Enterprise.  Captain Archer grabbed T'pol so violently last night, it made me hurt.  It's sad you can't even watch stuff without thinking how much it would hurt you, how you could never do that, or how long it would take you to recover from even trying to attempt that.  All I could think was, "geez, Archer....ooooouuuch!"

"Would you like to live now or later?"

This is the question I face every time I go to the doctor.  The medications I take are extremely hard on my liver.  I am in my late 20's.  How long can you take pain killers without needing a liver transplant?  Fibromyalgia is for life.  The pain is for life.  I have four small children that take soooo much energy, Fibro or not!  Do I stay on the drugs while they need me the most, then die early, or get a liver transplant later?  Do I stay off the drugs and miss their entire childhood, staying in bed and nursing my symptoms?  Will I  miss their weddings?  Will I ever get to meet my grand-children?  Will my kids grow up saying their mom was never there because she was in bed all the time?  Will they be embarrassed of me because I move like I'm 80 years old?  Will they resent me for the rest of their lives because I missed all of their school activities?  How do you answer any of these questions?  How do you decide if you'd rather live now or later?

"You're bi-polar..."

It's become a  family joke that I am bi-poplar.  There's mom on Tramadol and then there's mom off Tramadol.  It literally is a night and day difference.  I want you to imagine this if you're a woman: you're giving birth for the rest of your life (guys, pretend you're passing a kidney stone.  Gross, I know, but it's the closest pain to childbirth I could think of.)  Now, try to be nice to everyone.  Try to live your life and function as if you're not giving birth or passing a kidney stone.  Not possible.  Yeah, we're mean when we're in pain.  It's not really our fault.  It's just human nature to be a total biotch when we're hurting.  Sort of hard to ignore pain.  Well, Fibromyalgia is no different.  We're trying awfully hard to smile at you.  We'd really like to rip your throat out instead.  We're usually thinking, "how can you possibly be talking about this mindless dribble when I'm dealing with a headache from Lucifer?"  We don't care too much for drama or shady people.  We deal with enough pain as it is.  Your drama is at the bottom of our list.  Life is black and white for us.  No time for nonsense.  We need 'em real and we need 'em nice.  We can't complain too much though, lest we be labeled as whiners, hypochondriacs, or someone who just needs attention.  So if I don't look too entertained, I'm probably thinking you're shallow and should just shut up.  It's true, I'm so sorry to say it.  Most of the time, I'm very nice.  If you're an idiot though, it's gonna be hard to refrain.  It's hard to shut your mouth when you hurt.  You're kind of blunt all the time.  That's me.  I'm far too blunt.  So back to the Tramadol!  You'll want to talk to me the times I'm drugged out.  I'm supposed to take Tramadol (which by the way is a pain killer.  Tramadol is an opiate and helps numb the nerves) 'round the clock.  It's hard on the liver, so I only try to take it at night to help me sleep.  My family knows to steer clear until I've taken my Tramadol.  I wish I could say I was joking.  It's the dead honest truth.  Hubby knows not to talk to me about anything that could back-fire.  He'll keep the more serious talk for when I'm drugged.  :)  My six year old often asks me, "mamma, you haven't taken your 'feel good' medicine, have you?"  It's quite bi-polar.  Pain vs no pain.  You'll get two different personalities.  I've been without Tramadol for the last few days because my doctor had a mix up and wasn't able to re-fill my prescription.  I can't even begin to tell you what a living hell it was.  It had me up until five in the morning, (you can't sleep through pain) gave me the worst case of Restless Leg Syndrome, (the Tramadol calms the nerves and treats my RLS, too) and made me angry.  Pain will do that to ya.  I hadn't slept in days.  I was physically and mentally exhausted from trying to fight the pain and the symptoms. I did everything natural and within my power to do.  Three or more hot showers a day, (heat on Fibro muscles is divine!) organic tea's targeted for pain, essential oils, heat packs, electric heating blanket, (one of these days, you really should see how ridiculous I look wrapped in my electric blanket, topped with six hot packs) getting massaged, meditating, stretching, deep breathing, blah blah, the list goes on.  I tried it all.  Sure, you can give birth and pass kidney stones without pain killers.  No biggie.  Now try being in labor or passing them stones for the rest of your life.  Can you even imagine living with childbirth pain for the rest of your life?  You can only give birth naturally because you know the pain will end eventually and you'll get a sweet baby at the end of it.  My "childbirth" never gets to subside, and even crappier is, I don't get any reward at the end of this.  I get to be in pain for the rest of my life, for nothing.  If you were going to be in labor the rest of your life, you'd opt for the Epidural, too.  :)  The pain would eventually break you down.  I've dealt with Fibromyalgia for years without taking any medications.  Then it hit me.  This isn't something that will pass.  This isn't something that will ever go away.  Do I think I'll get some sort of medal for toughing this out?  Do I think I'll prove anyone wrong?  Do I think I'll be weak because I can't do this alone?  Yes, you deal with so many questions, and so much mental and emotional anguish when you try to evaluate the best treatment for your disease.  It's never easy.  You try to go into this as informed as you can be.  You try to make the best choice you can for you and your family.  The treatment plan I went with was the best for me and my family.  Was it an easy one?  Not at all.  I still struggle and wonder if is the right choice.  I take three medications a day to deal with this.  Three different medications, four times a day, twelve pills a day.  That's on my good days, too.  On the bad ones, it can be up to twenty.  I hate pills and medication.  I used to fight a headache to the death before I'd take pain killers.  I rarely took anything for pain.  I know they're harsh on the body, on the organs.  I know that.  I used to avoid them like the plague.  We don't take any medication when we're sick in this house.  I let my kids cough it out.  That's your body's way of getting the virus out.  A fever kills the virus.  Sneezing is a way for your body to release the germs.  My kids do not take cold medication for this very reason.  You do not need to be medicated for every little thing.  A headache can sometimes be resolved by just drinking more water, (like right now.  Trying to fight this bad boy, hoping just resting and drinking lots of water can kill it before it becomes full blown) stretching can help sore muscles, and letting a fever run its course will kill your sickness faster.  What are you supposed to do though, when your body has turned on you?  When you are subjected to things that can never get better or feel better?  What then?  It's a difficult choice.  It's not one I take lightly and I'd never be afraid to stop all medications if a better solution ever presented itself.  For now, this works.  As for the long term effects, I do not know what the future will hold for me.  I can only take one day at a time.  I'm doing the best that I can.  Until then, here's a hooorah for a wonderful Halloween last night!  It's our last Halloween in Idaho and I'm sure the weather was saying good-bye to us.  Could not have asked for prettier weather.  Usually, it's snowing on Halloween here.  If it's not, then it's always freezing and extremely windy.  You have beautiful costumes and you end up covering them up with winter gear.  Yesterday was beautiful!  Sunny, in fact it was even warm at 65 degrees, and no wind.  Can't beat that.  We got to wear our amazing superhero costumes, and had a great time.  It took me two hours to do my hair, makeup and get the kids ready.  Wouldn't have happened if it weren't for Tramadol.  It lets me be a mom.  If I hadn't taken it, I would not have been able to take my kids trick-or-treating.  Thank you, Tramadol.