I'm grateful to be sick.

Well, its been a while.  Been living, moving, growing, learning.  Being sick.  :)

So much has happened with my life and my health, but it would take nine and a half years trying to explain it all.

I thought I was done blogging, and for the most part,  I am.  Just been having some thoughts on my health lately.

Like, would it be weird to say that I'm grateful for my diseases?

I was talking to my husband the other night, in tears, just telling him how grateful I am to be sick.  We had just finished watching 'Miracles from Heaven.'  I was bawling, and thinking how grateful I am that it's me who's sick, and not my children.  It's no guarantee that my kids won't get sick.  But for now, if anyone's suffering in my family, I'm glad that it's me.

I'm grateful, now that the anger about it is over, that this opportunity has made me so empathetic.

I'm so grateful that of all the challenges one could face in this world, I get to do illness.  I'd much rather have illness than some things other people have to deal with.

I'm grateful that disease keeps me grounded, humble, and able to live each day like it could be my last.

I'm grateful that pain keeps it real.  Love, family, happiness.  That is all that matters.

I'm grateful for the opportunity that pain has given me to grow.  I look at old, healthy me, and it's almost embarrassing.  That girl thought she had it all figured out.  That girl was judgmental.  That girl didn't have a clue.

In times of weakness, its been easy for me to look at healthy people and secretly hate them.  There's this couple we know that has it all.  Health, wealth, adventure, and no kids to be responsible for.  I am poor, with four kids, and my health is very bad.  I used to complain to Adam about this couple a lot.  "Must be nice to have all the money in the world, no kids to have to worry about, and have the health to do it all.  Could I be thrown a bone every once in a while?  They have health AND money?  And here I am with nothing."

Oh, silly girl.  You had it all.  You still do.  As I wept to husband, I told him how wrong I had been to want what they have.  Their marriage and relationships with others are strained.  My marriage is rock solid.  They're extremely judgmental, and have no problem telling you what you're doing wrong.

They have it all, but they have nothing.  I have nothing, but I have it all.

I am so grateful for the person I've become because of disease and pain.  I've always had self esteem issues, and problems with self acceptance.  As my body and mind lose their vitality, I find myself liking myself more and more every day.  None of which would have been possible without disease.

I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but thanks, disease.  You did alright.


“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” -Helen Keller