I want so much more.

I want so much more than this.  I want so much more than getting tired after taking a shower.  I want more respect, I want more understanding.  I want so much more.  I don't fear life.  I'm ready to take it head on.  I can't, though.  I'm not allowed to.  I try doing anything and my body fails me.  Why are people so shallow and take this as a sign of laziness or weakness?  How strongly they misjudge me.  How strongly it cuts me.  I find myself only being able to acquaint with those who know pain.  I used to be such a social butterfly.  I could make conversation with anyone, anywhere.  Now I feel ashamed, scared, alone.  The only people who 100% don't judge me, are those who deal with insane amounts of pain themselves.  These are the only people I feel comfortable with anymore.  

You know when your friend gets pregnant?  That's ALL she can talk about!  "Did you know pregnant people fart three times more than you?"  "My hormones have been SO crazy!"  "Oh my gosh, it's SO HOT IN HERE!!"  EVERYTHING all of a sudden seems to revolve around her and her crazy hormones.  All she seems to talk about anymore is how much she sweats.  People getting married, people having babies, people in school, joggers, Democrats, Republicans.  Aren't the friends you make heavily involved in what you're doing, too?  You find you're not as close to your pregnant friend anymore.  You're single, she's married, she's having a baby, you don't have kids.  What in the world do you have in common anymore?  That's exactly how pain is.  It's an annoying pregnancy that never goes away.  Pregnant people are ALWAYS talking about their pregnancies, they're always thinking about their pregnancies.  Pregnancy sucks.  It hurts, it's uncomfortable.  You're not really loving the new shape your body's taking.  It's hard not to obsess about something that's taking over your life.  Menopause, pregnancy, your wedding, a new boyfriend.  Whether it's a good or a bad thing, it's totally taken over your life for the moment.  How crappy would it be to have something take over your life, but it never lets go?  Getting married is exciting, but no doubt stressful.  Imagine never getting married but staying in that wedding planning mode for the rest of your life.  Being that bridezilla for the rest of your life.  Being pregnant for the rest of your life.  Going through Menopause for the rest of your life.  Imagine being that stressed out, that consumed by the one event in your life, forever.  As much as pregnancy ravages your body, and as much as it hurts and sucks, you know it's over in 9 months.  Fibromyalgia is getting pregnant and never getting to give birth.  It's Menopause that never ends.  So while you get to alienate your psycho friend just until she gives birth, imagine everyone alienating you because of your condition?  Not for the next 9 months.  Forever.  

No matter what situation you're in, isn't it SO annoying to having everyone give you advice?  "You should totally get married in June, what a romantic month!"  "You should have a natural birth, get an epidural, have your baby on my birthday, breastfeed, bottle-feed."  Holy crap.  You're gonna do this your way.  You're not an idiot.  You know what works for you, yet everyone and their dog has advice for you.  It gets a little old, huh?  Imagine having a disease that you've researched the crap out of, you've seen every specialist for, and um, you've been living with it.  That would mean you know more than someone who "read this article somewhere about Fibromyalgia..."  Just like your Aunt Mary loves you and is suggesting you drink a gallon of castor oil to induce your baby, friends are only trying to help with Fibromyalgia.  It gets annoying though, huh, all that baby advice?  Yeah, same here.  The only people who haven't tried suggesting something to help with this, are the friends who have debilitating diseases as well.  Just like getting together with all your knocked up friends and eating ice cream, talking about all the crazy non-pregnant people, sick people do the same.  We get together with our drugs and rice packs and talk about all the crazy non-sick people.  We laugh at the advice we've been given.  We laugh at the new changes our body's are going through.  We laugh and cry about our trials and our successes, just like a knitting club.  It's people coming together, understanding each other on a level no one else can. 

I SO don't get avid runners.  I don't get how people "live to run."  It would be hard to be friends with someone so committed to moving, when I can't even take a walk without my body killing itself.  I would never give a runner running advice, even if I did read something in "Runners World."  When you're that consumed by something, you become an expert on it.  Runners have read, heard, and researched it all.  It's so nice just talking to to someone with a headache as big as yours.  It's so nice someone gets going to bed at 7.  It's SO nice to have a friend who would never judge you for not feeling well.  Who would never try to push your limits.  A lot of people think Fibromyalgia is something that can be cured, healed, or "snapped out of."  It cannot.  If you "knew someone" with Fibromyalgia who suddenly got rid of it, they never had it in the first place.  Either they were mis-diagnosed, or had something else.  Fibromyalgia is often called the "great mimic", it mimics many other diseases.  There is no known cure for Fibromyalgia.  It can be very hurtful when people give advice about something they know nothing about.  "If you drink Chamomile tea for two years, it'll go away."  It's amazing people think we LIKE having an excruciating disease.  If Chamomile tea worked, we'd have read about it first.  We would do anything.  My friend with an invisible disease had someone recommend she go see a specialist about her "abnormal" headaches.  What GREAT advice!  Man, she must be an idiot, why didn't she think of that?  ;)  Ok, ok, she only see's a headache specialist all the time.  People do and say things because they love us, but you have to understand a pregnant woman has also heard every way to find out the gender of her baby, too.  Hanging a ring over your belly won't tell you the sex of your baby or cure Fibromyalgia.  She's pregnant and hormonal, keep your stupid, horror labor stories to yourself.  We're in a lot of pain, keep your stories to yourself.  It's not that we don't love you, it's that we've heard it all.  It's that we're really annoyed with every Tom, Dick and Mary giving their two cents worth.  We know ya love us.  We know you're only doing it 'cause you're concerned.  But are ya willing to tell your friend she's gained a lot of weight this pregnancy for "her own good"?  Here's my advice, keep ya two cents worth to ya self.  Things are much safer this way.  Nothing worse than a woman gestating, menopause-ing, or dealin' with pain.  The end.  Woe to anyone who dares crossing into frigid waters.

What a relationship's like when there's an invisible disease involved.  On both fronts.  :) 

I won't tell you as a professional makeup artist that "you could look like less of a whore this way", if you won't try to give me "professional" advice on pain.

'Cause let's face it, sometimes that makeup's as painful as Fibro...