It couldn't be anything less than a disease. I have canceled my appointment with a surgeon twice now. The first time I canceled, I really did have a migraine. The second time I canceled, I was dealing with Whooping Cough, still am, gosh this doesn't wanna seem to let go. Both times, though, I was secretly happy I could cancel. I know for a fact I won't reschedule. You see, my doctor is convinced I either have Colon cancer, and/or a Gallbladder that needs removin'. I have every single symptom of Colon cancer. Every single one. I had a close family member undergo serious chemo therapy for Colon cancer at a younger age than mine. It's hereditary, not to mention I have every single symptom. Fill a toilet full of blood? Sure, no problem. I have every single symptom of a Gallbladder disease, too. The truth is, when I was looking for what was wrong with me before being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, they couldn't find anything. I had every single test ran. I was seeing specialists three times a week for months. It was exhausting, it was a full time job. All of our energy went into finding out what was wrong with me. I did everything imaginable. MRI, CAT Scan, EKG, X-Rays, EVERYTHING. "Rachelle, there's only a 1% chance you could have this..." "I don't care, I want you to check." Celiac disease, Hepatitis, brain damage, (tests came back negative for that one, but we know better. ;) heart strain, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Diabetes, everything. There wasn't a test out there we didn't try. I saw a neurologist, cardiologist, psychologist, did I mention everything? I did everything. Saw every specialist, ran every single test possible. Nothing. When you feel like this, you already know something's wrong with you. At that point, you don't care what you fail, you just wanna fail one of those dang tests. You want the validation that this IS real. You want to fail so you can just know what it is and start working on the treatment. You just want to fail. You never get that satisfaction with Fibromyalgia. Yes, they CAN prove Fibromyalgia is real. The can do expensive brain tests, hair tests or even skin tests which have all proven Fibromyalgia exists. They don't, 'cause it's expensive. You can't fake Fibromyalgia symptoms and if you have most of the symptoms (and there are a lot) and hurt all the time, all over, you're diagnosed. After we exhausted everything we could do, my doctor said, "I really think you have Fibromyalgia." I nodded, but secretly I was like, "that's fake. Doctors make that up as the last resort. You're just lazy and aren't willing to find out what's wrong with me." If I couldn't believe it myself, why would I expect others to? Now, I'm down right hurt and frankly pissed off if you don't believe me, 'cause I know it's a real disease. The Fibro mentality will never leave me, though. I am secretly happy I had an excuse to cancel twice with the surgeon. I am 100% sure they won't find anything. The last thing people with Fibromyalgia want to be called is a hypochondriac. We're not, but when people think we are, we sometimes go to great lengths to avoid anything that might put us into that situation. Like this. I would rather die of Colon cancer, with people knowing I wasn't faking, than to go have it checked out and find out there was nothing. Is that sick or what? It's the dead honest truth, though. I have an amazing marriage and four amazing, beautiful children. I have every reason to go in and have it checked out. I just can't bring myself do it. I've already been told by a massage therapist that she could feel huge Gall Stones inside me. She told me it was the cause of a lot of pain I've been having. I have massage therapists and my doctor urging me to have it checked out. There's definitely proof, yet I can't bring myself to do it. My husband pleads with me, to which I give the same response, "you know they won't find anything." I am more terrified of finding nothing than I am with finding something. If I found out I had Colon cancer, as sick as this sounds, I'd be relieved. It would mean all those years of complaining were legitimate, I wasn't lying or faking it. If they didn't find something wrong with me, I'd be so mortified. It would make me second guess and doubt myself. There's no need to mention what others would say about me. They already do, the last thing I need to give them is fire to fuel their prejudice. I can't bring myself to do this. I wish I could, but I'm absolutely terrified. I wish I weren't having any symptoms, this is so frustrating. I wish I didn't have Fibromyalgia. I wish people would believe me when I say I feel really bad. If only I could wish this all way, eh? Well, that ain't gonna happen, so until then, I'll just stay up until three in the morning, like tonight, worrying about what's worse; having cancer or not having cancer.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
I have this disease, see.
It couldn't be anything less than a disease. I have canceled my appointment with a surgeon twice now. The first time I canceled, I really did have a migraine. The second time I canceled, I was dealing with Whooping Cough, still am, gosh this doesn't wanna seem to let go. Both times, though, I was secretly happy I could cancel. I know for a fact I won't reschedule. You see, my doctor is convinced I either have Colon cancer, and/or a Gallbladder that needs removin'. I have every single symptom of Colon cancer. Every single one. I had a close family member undergo serious chemo therapy for Colon cancer at a younger age than mine. It's hereditary, not to mention I have every single symptom. Fill a toilet full of blood? Sure, no problem. I have every single symptom of a Gallbladder disease, too. The truth is, when I was looking for what was wrong with me before being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, they couldn't find anything. I had every single test ran. I was seeing specialists three times a week for months. It was exhausting, it was a full time job. All of our energy went into finding out what was wrong with me. I did everything imaginable. MRI, CAT Scan, EKG, X-Rays, EVERYTHING. "Rachelle, there's only a 1% chance you could have this..." "I don't care, I want you to check." Celiac disease, Hepatitis, brain damage, (tests came back negative for that one, but we know better. ;) heart strain, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Diabetes, everything. There wasn't a test out there we didn't try. I saw a neurologist, cardiologist, psychologist, did I mention everything? I did everything. Saw every specialist, ran every single test possible. Nothing. When you feel like this, you already know something's wrong with you. At that point, you don't care what you fail, you just wanna fail one of those dang tests. You want the validation that this IS real. You want to fail so you can just know what it is and start working on the treatment. You just want to fail. You never get that satisfaction with Fibromyalgia. Yes, they CAN prove Fibromyalgia is real. The can do expensive brain tests, hair tests or even skin tests which have all proven Fibromyalgia exists. They don't, 'cause it's expensive. You can't fake Fibromyalgia symptoms and if you have most of the symptoms (and there are a lot) and hurt all the time, all over, you're diagnosed. After we exhausted everything we could do, my doctor said, "I really think you have Fibromyalgia." I nodded, but secretly I was like, "that's fake. Doctors make that up as the last resort. You're just lazy and aren't willing to find out what's wrong with me." If I couldn't believe it myself, why would I expect others to? Now, I'm down right hurt and frankly pissed off if you don't believe me, 'cause I know it's a real disease. The Fibro mentality will never leave me, though. I am secretly happy I had an excuse to cancel twice with the surgeon. I am 100% sure they won't find anything. The last thing people with Fibromyalgia want to be called is a hypochondriac. We're not, but when people think we are, we sometimes go to great lengths to avoid anything that might put us into that situation. Like this. I would rather die of Colon cancer, with people knowing I wasn't faking, than to go have it checked out and find out there was nothing. Is that sick or what? It's the dead honest truth, though. I have an amazing marriage and four amazing, beautiful children. I have every reason to go in and have it checked out. I just can't bring myself do it. I've already been told by a massage therapist that she could feel huge Gall Stones inside me. She told me it was the cause of a lot of pain I've been having. I have massage therapists and my doctor urging me to have it checked out. There's definitely proof, yet I can't bring myself to do it. My husband pleads with me, to which I give the same response, "you know they won't find anything." I am more terrified of finding nothing than I am with finding something. If I found out I had Colon cancer, as sick as this sounds, I'd be relieved. It would mean all those years of complaining were legitimate, I wasn't lying or faking it. If they didn't find something wrong with me, I'd be so mortified. It would make me second guess and doubt myself. There's no need to mention what others would say about me. They already do, the last thing I need to give them is fire to fuel their prejudice. I can't bring myself to do this. I wish I could, but I'm absolutely terrified. I wish I weren't having any symptoms, this is so frustrating. I wish I didn't have Fibromyalgia. I wish people would believe me when I say I feel really bad. If only I could wish this all way, eh? Well, that ain't gonna happen, so until then, I'll just stay up until three in the morning, like tonight, worrying about what's worse; having cancer or not having cancer.
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Okay, you know I can relate to all of your emotions you experience when it comes to this stuff, but haven't you ever heard "what others think of you is none of your business"? You need to do what is best for you AND your FAMILY!!! Do you think that if you pass from cancer your kids will find peace in saying "yeah, but at least nobody could tell her she didn't have it"? NO!!!! Get your behind to that doctor's as soon as your physically able!
ReplyDeleteHahaha, I know, I know. I could honestly care less what anyone says. There are certain family members that are pure evil, though. Due to retarded circumstances, these relationships have nothing to do with me. My hands are tied and I really don't wanna hear the next thing.
DeleteI am retarded, I did warn ya on that one. :)
I'll second what the first lady said. Despite the possibility of what you may or may not have, you DO have serious symptoms. They won't go away. They'll only get worse, and believe me, if you let them go too long, your fix action is going to be that much worse. Take care of your body. If you know that something is wrong, then it must be pursued. You have to be as healthy as you can be for that awesome family of yours. This is coming from a woman who's had two colonoscopies and a sphincterotomy. So stop being stubborn and go see that surgeon!!
ReplyDeleteI know. I really am "special." :)
DeleteHi Rachelle,
ReplyDeleteI have started a directory of Bloggers who educate, support, enlighten, inform, inspire and motivate people about and with Fibromyalgia.
I would really like to include you and your blog.
Please have a look at the information for Bloggers on my site: http://fibromodem.wordpress.com/fck-directory/for-bloggers/; and, if you would like to be included, please follow the directions and then email me at fibromodem@hotmail.com.
I hope you choose to be part of this new project.
Yes, that sounds fantastic! You'll hear from me soon.
DeleteOh my goodness, I'm so glad I stumbled onto your blog, I feel exactly the same way! My husband gets so upset with me for refusing to go to another doctor, but when you've spent years trying to figure out what is wrong with you and every test keeps coming back negative, you get tired of it. I would be relieved ti find out something was wrong too, just because it would be a potentially fixable problem.
ReplyDeleteI know! It's so true. Unless you've done it, you really just don't get how tiring this is. One, you're tired, but two, it's the same old story. Doctors these days don't really help, either. I know it's not just me, but I feel they're so out of touch. I always feel like they're too busy to find what's going on. That, and how could someone who doesn't look sick, be sick? :)
DeleteI wish health were black and white. Yes and no tests. I grew up thinking doctors knew it all, that they could find anything. Now I think they're all stuck on their degrees. :) Get back to treating people. If she says she feels bad, the woman feels bad! We know how we feel better than anyone else. Crazy, I know, but we do. Now get off our backs. ;)