I'm terrified.

Well, yes, if you didn't get that, I'm scared.  Why?  I just had another Tonic-Clonic Seizure.  Unless you've had one, I just can't describe them to you.  As someone who has Fibromyalgia and Multiple Sclerosis, I know pain.  Well, ya know, we're old friends.  But this?  Owwww.  You've never felt pain like a big mamma seizure until you've had one.  Muscles you don't even know how to use go hard as a rock for three minutes.  Tearing and thrashing.  Hands down, one of the worst things I have ever experienced.  The day of your seizure isn't that bad.  You have your seizure, you're confused, you ask what happened a million times, then you try to act normal.  It's not until the next day that you're really feeling it.  Have you had the flu?  Yeah, I just had it this week.  Sure, your muscles are sore, but once again, unless you've had a seizure, you can't even compare it to anything.  It's like the flu.  Times ten.  Moving becomes soooo labored.  Just from what I've written, I've taken three long breaks.  It's exhausting.  The mental confusion is... really weird.  I can't describe it at all!  Sheesh.  I'll try.  I told my husband last night that it feels like the first day of school.  You're nervous, you're scared, heck, you're even a little depressed.  The recovery, mentally, feels like the first day of school for me, just as the weather is changing.  You may not get it, but I get serious winter blues.  The second the wind shifts and get colder, I can feel it.  And with it comes a sadness that only people who experience the winter blues can understand.  So, the nerves of the first day of school, mixed with the first change of Fall.  If you understand those two, you can kind of understand mentally what I'm talking about.  Depression, fear, anxiety, and just a feeling of being "off."  That's what recovering from a seizure feels like.  Not fun.  Oh yeah, add a huge migraine on top of all that, too.

So what happened, again?  Why did this happen again?  What does it feel like when you're having one?  What does it feel like after?

Well, this time, I was wearing a skirt.  Yay for not being in public!  :)  My husband had just got back from work, we went to Wal-Mart.... to get something... I don't remember now, because that entire day is gone to me.  Anywho, we were on our way home.  I could feel the seizure coming.  Did I know it was a seizure?  No.  Could I feel my brain shorting out?  Oh yeah.  I even told my husband about ten minutes before it happened.  "I feel like I'm shorting out."  We had a church activity the next day, so I wanted to paint my girls' nails.  I painted my eight year old's toes.  I don't remember painting her fingernails.  Probably because I didn't get to.  I began my seizure.  I thrashed and seized up for a good three minutes.

"You had another seizure."  I just stared at him.  "What is going on?"  "You just had another seizure."  "Why am I on the floor?  What happened?"  "You had another seizure."  If you've experienced a seizure before, you know what I'm talking about.  You don't receive full consciousness for about ten to fifteen minutes after you come around.  You continue asking these questions for a long time.  "Another one?  Yeah, I felt it coming on."  You feel strange, but not unable to function.  "Huh, another seizure.  What was I doing?"  "You were painting Alee's nails, and then you started.  Sonja started laughing at you.  She thought you were playing around."  By the time I came back around, both girls had their fingers and toes painted.  I didn't do it.  Now I feel really confused.  "You sure I had a seizure?"  "Yes.  It was just like last time."

Here I am two days post seizure.  I don't even know why I'm blogging about it.  Oh yeah, Adam said I don't remember anything, so I need to go back and read about my last seizure blog.  And write about this one, because I'm sure in twenty minutes, I'll forget this one, too.  Okay, so if none of this makes sense, my apologizes.  It's taking a whole lot of mental effort.

So my muscles.  They feel like... um... Arnold Schwarzenegger just took them for a stroll around the block.  They hurt.  You could say that, but I just wouldn't be doing it justice.  Climbing a mountain when you're out of shape, with a fifty pound backpack might help you understand better.  Then there's your brain.  That's just totally dead.  I can explain that even less.  It's like being sleep deprived for a week.  Trying to think when you're that cloudy.  I don't know why, but I read that depression, anxiety, fear, and all them yummy negative emotions are normal after a seizure, too.  I guess it did take on quite the feat there.  But seriously?  I still kind of need my brain.  If not my muscles, too.  I have four kids.  Ages eight, six, five, and three.  Ya sorta need those things.  Sorta.  So here I am in bed.  Blogging, researching seizures, and trying so hard not to fall back asleep.  Oooooh, it's so exhausting.  And the hubby works today.  Retail slave... Did I just say that?  :)  I am to the point where I really need to be living by family.  I am terrified to be alone.  This is actually my third seizure in... well sheesh, I can't remember now.  Huh, I really can't remember.  It wasn't too long ago, though. Well anyway, yeah.  Family?  I lost my thoughts.  Hahahha, I'm sure it'll be funny to re-read this one day, but now I'm just exhausted!  I know I had more thoughts, but then again, exhausted.

So, um, yeah.  Don't have seizures.  :)  One of the worst things I've ever experienced.  The end.  Back to bed now.  Have a great day for me!

Here is Homer, to show you what I go through.  :)