The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief.

1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4.  Depression.
5.  Acceptance.

You hear about these most often with death.  People who deal with death often read, and hear about these.  "You're just in the angry stage.  This will pass, and time will heal."  It's definitely true that time heals things.  We will never stop loving those who have left us, we'll never forget, and no, the pain never fully goes away.  But there can be peace.  Life can continue.  And then there's disease.

chron. ic
adjective
       1. (of an illness) persisting for a long time or constantly rec-curing.  Constantly recurring.

"You're sick again?"

Constantly recurring. Constantly. It never eases up. Ever. And it makes it that much harder to deal with healing. You keep picking a scab, it'll never heal. Well, ya just can't heal chronic! It's always there.


I had a friend stop by today. A friend who means well. "Maybe if you eat better." "All I eat are vegetables. Yeah, sugar and carbs kill me." And you hear it all. Exercise more. I do. Get enough sleep. I average around 10-12 hours a night. Any less, and my chronic can't handle it. Eliminate stress. I have no life. What stress? Meditate. I do. Try this pill! I have. You need a multivitamin! I know, I'm on 'em! As much as people want to help, they still don't understand chronic. And that in itself is a chronic side effect. :) It got that name for a reason. It's not just for fun. It actually means something.

So the five stages of grief. That's chronic, too. When you're chronic, you can go through those stages all in one day. You at least go through it a few times a year. Family gathering? "I know I can't do this, but screw disease! It's not gonna tell me what I can or can't do!" (Denial.) Oh, guess what? Yes it will. Now you're left behind and in the anger and depression stage. And there is always bargaining. That one will never go away. "Why didn't I take better care of my health?" "Could I have avoided this?" And even, "God, I will do anything. I will be a tool in your hands. Please just ease this cross for me." To answer all of those questions, the answer is no. I didn't cause this. I couldn't have done anything different in my life. And no, God will not ease this. It is not his to take. No amount of bargaining will help. Still won't stop us from doing it. Like I said, it's chronic. Then you have your days of acceptance. "This is who I am! We all have our scars. We all face our demons. This is just the way it is, I can't change it, so I may as well do the best I can with what I have!" Then you have a flare up from Satan himself. You're back in the pissed off stage. The denial stage, the depression stage. Then you feel a little better. Then you start the cycle over. Over and over. And then over again. And it never stops. With some grieving, you may go through this process many times before you begin to heal. But chronic is just a scab. One that keeps getting picked. One that can never heal. Just hearing that puts you through the stages a few times. :) That is one sucky reality. Well, if you couldn't tell, I'm in the angry stage. :) It started with the worst fatigue I've ever felt, followed by serious pain. Then swearing I will go to church yesterday. I have been to church once in the last past four months. Yesterday I said nothing would stop me! Isn't that funny? Me and my silly head, thinking mind over matter really works when your body doesn't. I did not go to church. I said, "fine. At least I'll help Adam get the kids ready." I did bathe them. Then I passed out. I woke up from Adam coming in and getting things for the kids. I forced myself awake to wipe the food off their faces, that they had already accumulated, did their hair, and wiped dirty spots off their clothes. "Hun, I am glad I woke up. I would have sent homeless children to church." Pass out as soon as they leave. Wake up angry I missed church. Angry I promised myself I would go. Angry that my daughter said, "I really hate that you have so much sickness. I wish you could come." Not angry at her, angry at disease. Then the guilt! Gah, it never ends.

So yeah. Gonna lay in bed today. Watch rubbish. Hope my kids can forgive me for being sick. Hope I can forgive myself for being sick. Hope I can get back to the acceptance stage this week. And hope you never have to deal with this. And. Just hope you'll understand and not judge. Denial doesn't help anything chronic. Just makes flare ups hurt more.

Have a great day! May it be pain, fatigue, and chronic free!