My husband and I are working on a project together. A really, really big, life altering project. It's fun, but there are many, many details that need sorting out. Hence the filled mind. That Type A personality of mine has me going over everything in painstaking detail. Even if I have a solution, I will still think about it. The Type A ensures I will get it done, and perfectly, I might add, but it can be such a pain sometimes. The over analyzing is really quite unnecessary.
With every thought, or solution, my mind always seems to come back to one simple question. What will the M.S. think of this? It's difficult to walk, and it's proving to be a harder challenge every day. Will it let me do this? What if my mind can't keep it together long enough? Will I have the energy, physically and mentally for this? It's quite frustrating to be a Type A, to be highly motivated, to be ready to go, just to have your body fail on you. It's frustrating I even have to ask questions like this. The project we're tackling would take no less than a healthy person, in every sense of the word. I get worn out getting out of bed. That is a chore. Is a Type A personality, a strong drive, and a dreamer's heart enough to physically be able to push past any obstacle? We're about to find out.
Multiple Sclerosis is the most powerful force I've ever reckoned with. I've heard two powerful stories, just this weekend, of two warriors who lost the fight to M.S. It doesn't frighten me, hinder me, or change anything. It does make one think, though. How much longer will M.S. let me keep at this? I am deteriorating fast. Much faster than anyone really knows or suspects. I always wanted to be an actress when I was a girl, and it seems my talent in theatrics still holds well today. I am very good at faking my health. I have been faking for years now. It's come to the point where I cannot even hide what's going on even from acquaintances. I have gone downhill so fast, just within this last year. It's no longer anything I can hide. I walk funny, I talk funny, I slur, I stutter. A lot. I am always cold. I am always fighting to get a simple sentence out. I have to read, and re-read everything I write. I once took great pride in my grammar and my understanding of the English language. I now find it a special challenge to spell the most simplistic words. "It is fair, or fare?" I have difficulty tying my shoes. I find my body goes numb faster, and stays numb longer. When my mind isn't racing, it's extremely foggy. I find I can no longer drive. If I have to, it's for short distances, and even then it's quite the task. My voice is gone. It's become so strained, it sounds like I am terrified. It shakes and loses itself. I have become very self-conscious of it, and I avoid phone calls like the plague. My husband schedules all my appointments for me, and makes all phone calls for me. I only have phone conversations with my sister and mother, and at best they're physically strained. My vision is going. I have intense pain behind one eye, and the other eye is losing its vision. I have lost my ability to reason in many situations. I get confused when I go places. If my husband doesn't drive me somewhere, I will not go. If my husband doesn't stay with me, I cannot move. I cannot go to the store without my husband. I do not know where I am going, I become extremely confused, and I feel overwhelmed. He has to push the cart, and gather everything. He has to check out and pay. He has to load the children into the car and buckle them. Needless to say, he is my knight in shinning armor. I would be lost without him. Literally and figuratively. He is my rock. The light of my life. My reason for living. My reason for wanting to keep going. He is the reason I feel like I can take on this project. He is the motivation, and the very soul of this project. M.S. has no idea he's coming. M.S. has no idea he's backing me up. Behind every question, I can hear M.S. menacingly whisper, "you can't do this, you know you can't. I won't let you." To which my darling husband of eight years responds, "you can do this, I am here. I won't let M.S. hurt you."
I am blessed beyond words. I have people offer condolences to me all the time. I have to say, I feel so embarrassed by this. To me, this is old hat. This is what I do. Day in , day out. What they don't know, is that I don't feel defeated. Most of the time. :) They don't know that I don't feel scared. Most of the time. :) That I don't fear the future or what is has in store for me. They know I have Multiple Sclerosis. They don't know my husband is Superman. And that's what makes this bearable.
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| Love of my life, father of my children, my best friend. Forever and always. |
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