"Iz dees woman bi-polar?"

Reading past posts, I can't help but laugh.  They're all over the place.  "I love my life!"  "I hate my life!  DIE!"  They really are so bi-polar.  Well, they are to the healthy eye.  Sick people read my posts, and are like, "yes!  Oh my gosh, someone finally gets this!"  Being sick can seem very bi-polar.  You will never get this until you develop chronic pain.  The good days?  Those are the days where we say to heck with our disease.  "It won't define me, dangit!"  The bad days?  That's where we're freaking tired of fighting pain.  When its worn us down.  When we have no strength left.  The days we'd rather die than be physically punished by an excruciating disease.  The days we say, "this isn't worth it.  The only relief will come through death."  Then it can shift; pain could ease up just a bit, something great happens, we get good sleep, we have a better day, then it's back to, " I can keep fighting this."  Then you fight really hard for a week, but then it only takes a fight with a loved one, overdoing it in the garden, one night of insomnia, and the pain is all back, and we're thrown to the ground.  Again.  Yeah, it can totally seem bi-polar.  Imagine how frustrating it is for us.  We're still us.  The vibrant, beautiful, happy people we are.  Then disease sets in.  Then we become someone we're not.  Forced into this dark, hideous creature we try to hide from.  We don't like her.  She's mean, she's depressed, she's angry.  She hurts.  There is no way around our, um, I guess at this point, multiple personality?  There's the hilarious, talented, upbeat Rachelle.  Then there's the depressed, dark, angry Rachelle.  M.S. and Fibromyalgia will decide what girl surfaces.  Today, it's the dark Rachelle.  The "it would be so much easier if I weren't here" Rachelle.  The Rachelle that feels the battle isn't worth fighting anymore.  The Rachelle that feels she's holding her family back.  The Rachelle that wants to free those she loves, and to ease the pain.  No worries, the other Rachelle will pop up soon.  She always does.  I think she's working on her beauty sleep right now.  'Cause obviously the dark Rachelle isn't doing it... at four in the morning...

Anywho, chronic pain is a complex disease.  If I seem like I have a mental illness, it's okay, I do.  It's called chro-nic pa-in.  Those of us awesome warriors fighting it don't have much of a choice.  Those who say otherwise should come spend time with dark Rachelle, he he.

Today the pain is so great, I'm trying very hard to convince dark Rachelle I have to keep fighting.  She doesn't understand, or want to hear it, but nevertheless, she hasn't won yet.  I sit here, fighting insomnia, fighting hunger, fighting dark thoughts.  It's such a fight.  It takes a lot out of me.  Fighting with yourself is draining, in every way you can be drained.  Sunday nights are always bad, too.  Hubby goes back to work tomorrow.  I'm left alone with four small children.  I don't know if I can do one more day.  I am terrified dark Rachelle may win the fight one of these days.  How much more pain and suffering can she take before she breaks?  We'll see.  This is what living with chronic pain is.  Welcome to this dark, twisted world.  No, you will never, ever understand it.  Not until the day you become disabled.  I pray you're never a guest in my world.  If you are, you know exactly what I mean.  But now it is time to go rest the angry woman.  She really does better when she's rested.... oh wait!  I have insomnia, huh?  Hahaha, oh that was funny.  Eh, okay, then I guess it's time for Sister Wives.

Chronic pain means not knowing who you'll be for the day, or how you'll fight your battle.