If it be thy will....

...then take me now, Lord.

I hurt.  I hurt real good.  Have I ever, ever mentioned I hate M.S. and Fibromyalgia?  Ever?  Mmm, wasn't sure if I had or not.

Today my body is so wracked with pain.  Fun flare up!  I freaking  ❤ these!  No, really, they're the best.  Can't get enough pain...really...  All I know is that someone needs to die today.  I don't care if it's me, or someone I loathe, I'm positive that would make me feel better.  Yep, that would help.  In the meantime, I'm living on heat packs, the comfort of my bed, and Mass Effect 3.

Let. Me. Die.  Please, and thank you.  

Leaky Gut Syndrome.

Doesn't that sound disgusting?  It really does.  What Leaky Gut Syndrome is, is even nastier.  Leaky Gut Syndrome is used to describe the medical condition "Hyperpermeable Intestines."  What does leaky gut sound like to you?  Ewww, yes, the gut literally leaking!  The intestinal lining has become porous, causing larger holes that make the filtering process impossible.  This means the intestines are allowing toxins, yeast, and waste to run rampant in your blood stream.

The intestines are a HUGE part of your immune system.  What happens when you have foreign objects aggravating your immune system?  Auto-immune!  Your body is now fighting for its life.  You should not have large particles of waste floating through your blood stream, of course it's going to go into survival mode.  What's worse, is that your liver is now working overtime, too.  Your body has to filter out toxins somehow.  Well, that's the livers job.  So now your liver is overworked, loaded with toxins.  What happens when the liver gets overworked?  Your body has to put toxins somewhere.  So it'll put it anywhere it can, in any of the body's tissues.  What do you feel when that happens?  Inflammation.  Ouch.  And now your body is so focused on fighting inflammation, the war against the Leaky Gut has halted.  It's a vicious cycle.  The cycle can lead to many auto-immune diseases, and conditions, including Chronic Fatigue, MS, IBS, Ulceritive Colitis, Fibomyalgia, Celiac disease, gluten intolerance, peanut allergies, and any food allergies.

If you have food allergies, it's most likely you have Leaky Gut Syndrome.  Any undigested food that enters your blood stream will now be treated as a foreign invader, and your immune system will act accordingly; food intolerance.  The inability to filter food also means you're not absorbing vitamins and minerals.  You're sick, and you're not even getting vital vitamins and minerals your body needs.  You're starving to death, but you're still pumping your body full of toxins.

How do you know if you have Leaky Gut Syndrome?  Do you have any of the following?

*Food sensitivities.
*Nutritional deficiencies.
*Chronic diarrhea, and or constipation.
*Skin rashes, your skins way of dumping toxins.
*Weakened immune system.  Getting sick easier, and having a harder time fighting illness.
*Headaches.
*Brain fog.
*Memory loss.
*Excessive fatigue.
* Inflammation.
*Yeast overgrowth. (Candida)

Candida is a symptom of Leaky Gut.  Candida will cause you to crave sugar and carbohydrates, its source of food.  Feeding this living yeast, the cycle of Leaky Gut will continue.

What causes Leaky Gut Syndrome?

*Diet.  Eating foods high in sugar, carbohydrates, processed foods, preservatives, and foods laced with chemicals will be treated as the toxins they are, and will lead to inflammation.

*Stress.  Stress is undoubtedly an immune suppressor.  Stress will continue to hinder your body's ability to eliminate toxins.

*Inflammation of any kind.  Yeast overgrowth, bacteria overgrowth,  infection, parasites, or environmental toxins will all cause inflammation.

*Medications.  Any prescriptions, including over the counter pain relievers with Aspirin and Acetaminophen, irritate the lining of the intestines, and lower the intestines natural mucus level, making toxins easier to release into the blood stream.    

*Yeast.  You do need normal levels of good yeast in your intestines, but once the bad yeast has overgrown, the yeast will grow tentacles, attaching itself to the lining of the intestines, causing holes to form.

*Lack of Zinc.  Zinc is needed in order to maintain healthy intestines.  When you're deficient, or your body is unable to absorb Zinc, problems will arise.

How do you eliminate Leaky Gut Syndrome?

*Diet restrictions.  Eliminate sugars, starches, grains, and irritating foods.  This will literally starve the yeast overgrowth.  This will also allow the intestines to cure themselves.  Here is a link to the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, a diet made specifically for healing, and curing the intestines from Leaky Gut.

"How to start the SCD Diet."

*Nutritional supplementing.  Leaky Gut will leave your body starved of all vitamins and minerals it's been unable to absorb.  Along with following a strict diet, the one I mention above, supplementing will help restore your body's essential vitamins which are imperative to healing your intestines.  A good multi-vitamin, along with vitamin D and Zinc are recommended.  Omega 3 fish oil is also an outstanding supplement for intestinal health, and will also help with inflammation.

*Probiotics.  Following the SCD diet, you're starving off the bad yeast.  Now you need a good, healthy yeast to balance things.  Probiotics are a must.  Good bacteria will help keep bad yeast from taking over, it will heal the gut, help nutrients get absorbed, and keep the cycle in check.  Make sure you check your labels when looking for healthy bacteria.  Refer to the SCD diet to find the appropriate bacteria.

*Digestive enzymes.  Digestive enzymes are a key role to breaking down the foods we eat.  Enzymes work as toxin cleaners as well.  While your gut is ill, and your liver is overworked, enzymes will help in all the areas your body is working to heal.  Enzymes will also help reduce inflammation.  Once again, check the quality, and the purity of enzymes you purchase.  They may have offending preservatives in them.  Do your research on all your supplements, make sure you're only getting the very best.  We don't want to further the problem here, we're trying to heal ourselves.

I can testify to everything I write.  I know it's a powerful tool, and to me, the only way to heal your body.  I suffer from MS, Fibomyalgia, IBS, and Chronic Fatigue.  If there's anyone who needed this diet, it was me.  At first I was very skeptical.  It's JUST a diet.  How can you heal auto-immune diseases?  With that same attitude, I also said, it's JUST a diet, what can I lose?  So I went for it.  If there was any chance I could feel better, I wouldn't be stupid enough to let skepticism keep me from trying anything that could bring relief.  And bring relief it did.  Within 24 hours, I kid you not, my inflammation was already significantly reduced.  I woke up for the first time in years without a migraine.  It is said with most people, relief will immediately be felt within 24-48 hours.  Ya can't argue with how you feel.  The proof is in that.  After following the diet for only six weeks, I am acne free.  I had gorgeous, flawless skin up until I got Fibromyalgia and MS.  Then my face resembled the surface of the moon.  It was incredibly embarrassing, and there was no amount of acne solution that could clear my face.  No matter what I tried, my face was horribly plagued.  My skin is incredibly gorgeous again.  It's full of life and health, and not a single blemish in sight.  Haven't had a break out in a loooong time.  I FEEL healthy, and my skin looks and feels healthy.  My dreams became less intense.  I am sleeping harder.  My fatigue that would keep me in bed 24/7?  MUCH better.  Something I never thought possible.  I am also Cluster headache free.  If you don't know what Cluster headaches are, Google them.  They're referred to as "suicide headaches."  You DO contemplate suicide   They're that bad.  They're ten times worse than any migraine headache, and they're often said to be far more painful than childbirth.  Having had four children myself, I can attest to the truth in this.  I'd rather give birth any day than deal with a Cluster headache.  I am now Cluster headache free.  My joint pain has been significantly reduced.  My hips, knees, ankles, wrists, and fingers don't hurt nearly as bad as they did.  My back pain has dropped dramatically.  I am exercising again for the first time in four years.  Something I never thought I'd see again.  Everything hurt too much.  I find exercise to be invigorating and healing, where as before it would only tire me and hurt me.  I avoided it at all costs.  My sex dive is back.  It's back and revved.  I no longer have any sexual dysfunction, including vaginal dryness, and difficulty achieving orgasm.  I cured my Hypoglycemia.  I had reactive, and fasting Hypoglycemia.  If I went too long without eating, my blood sugars would drop well below 70.  If I ate something with too many carbs, I would drop below 70.  It seemed I was always low.  I haven't had low blood sugars in six weeks.  That was also an immediate thing.  It was cured within the first few days of my diet.  My IBS is almost nonexistent.  I would be wracked in severe pain from anything I ate.  I would then deal with severe gas, bloating, and diarrhea or constipation.  I am almost completely symptom free from IBS.  It feels good to eat without fear.  My vision is better, my heart palpitations have disappeared, my nose has cleared from congestion, I don't get sores in my mouth, my teeth don't ache and hurt, my chronic sore throats have disappeared, my "MS hug" is gone.  "MS hug" is a sensation that feels like you're being squeezed in the abdominal area.  For me, it attacked my lungs.  It felt like I was drowning.  My lungs would feel like they were collapsing, losing air.  It's a very frightening experience.  It also causes all the symptoms of a heart attack.  To feel like you can't breath, along with heart attack symptoms, is disconcerting to say the least.  My "MS hug" is gone.  I feel so much more lung capacity.  I breath deeper, fuller, and it feels like the oxygen in my blood is actually being used now.  It's incredibly refreshing.  My skin is so beautiful, did I mention that?  My hair is thicker, I'm not losing as much hair, my nails aren't cracking anymore.  So many little changes that lead to great overall health.

I am still not feeling the best I can.  I still have changes I need to make.  I do feel 100% better, though.  It's something I can testify of, and something that I need to share.  It's made the biggest difference in my life.  This diet has to be the hardest change I have ever made in my life, though.  Your body will crave sugar.  It's harder than any drug or addiction I have ever tried to break myself from.  I was so addicted to sugar, it was pure misery for three weeks.  I cried from the physical withdrawal.  I was very emotional.  It was pure hell.  My mom felt the cravings subside after ten days.  For me, it was about three weeks to a month.  It will vary depending on how sick you are, how infested you are, and how addicted you are.  It's not easy.  At all.  It's very hard.  While you will feel inflammation subside within a day or two, you'll also feel like you're starving.  The yeast in your  body will scream for sugar, it's starving.  You'll feel miserable.  It will make you angry and very irritable.  Cutting back on any addiction is very uncomfortable.  People quit smoking because they know it's better for their health.  It's not comfortable, but they deal with the withdrawals because they know the end result is worth it.  Cutting sugar is going to be very hard and uncomfortable, but it's something you have to do if you want to feel amazing.  It's for your health and well being.  Any pain and suffering in the name of health is so worth is.

It's your life, not your disease's.  Claim it back.  

 

             

What makes someone beautiful?

My husband makes fun of me when I profess my undying love for someone.  "Oooh, I could marry that one, he's SO cute!"  "He's like 80 years old.  His nose is huge, and his ears are hilarious!"  I've tried explaining it so many times to people.  There's not a whole lot in looks for me.

This to me is repulsive.  NOT what I find attractive in a man.

THIS, besides hubby of course, is the sexiest man alive to me.  "But he's so old, so bald..."  "Um, he's educated, he's eloquent, he's kind, he's intelligent, he's beautiful on the outside, because he's beautiful on the inside."  Patrick Stewart, even at 72 years old, is a sexy beast.   A person is beautiful in my eyes when they're amazing human beings.  I am often teased for my "lack" of eyesight when it comes to judging beauty. 

So I am a makeup artist.  My job is to play with makeup.  My job is to have fun, not to cover anything.  My job is to make people feel enhanced, not covered.  With that said, there are some things I believe in.

*I believe you should never sleep with your makeup on.
* I believe you should eat well and invigorate your body through exercise.
*I believe in hydrating a healthy, happy body.
*I believe you should never gossip.
*I believe you should laugh.  All the time.
* I believe you should never think twice about helping others.
*I believe in confidence.
* I believe in being true to yourself.

Makeup is fun.  It's an artistic outlet and joy.  It's fulfilling to be creative.  It's fun to play with color.  But it is not an answer.  It's not an answer for low self esteem.  It's not the answer when trying to hide behind something.  It is most definitely never to be used to be something you're not.  Makeup is not a mask, it's self expression.

What makes someone beautiful?  Nothing superficial, I can promise you that.  Skinny does not mean beautiful.  Health means beauty.  I believe in taking care of your body, not to be skinny, not to conform to anything.  I believe in taking care of your body, because your body is a temple, and you are worth it, that's why.  You release endorphin's when you work out, and those make you feel good.  They make you feel happy and confident.  It's hard not to feel better about yourself when you're healing your body from the inside out.  I am a firm believer of taking care of yourself.  I'm not going to ramble on about inner beauty, blah, blah, blah.  This is real to me, and it's something I wanted to share.  What makes a person beautiful to me.

I was a severely abused child.  It didn't end until I became an adult.  Growing up with the worst possible situations a human being can be asked to endure sure makes the self esteem road a long and hard one.  There was so much self hatred.  So much guilt, so much fear, so much anger.  These are not emotions conducive for a happy and confident life.  I was an incredibly beautiful (I can only see it looking back now) teenager.

This is my mom and I when I was 18 years old.  I was convinced I was the fattest, ugliest person alive.

  Fighting low self esteem and  low self confidence are so hard.  It's one of the hardest challenges we can undertake.  Once you can begin to accept yourself, you'll feel so much better on that side.  So it took having four kids, getting up to 220 lbs (my normal weight is 115) on most pregnancies, to see how beautiful I really am.  It took saggy boobs, a saggy "mom pooch", stretch marks from head to toe, to realize how beautiful I am.  Once my kids destroyed my body, I realized I had put far too much emphasis on the outside.  My body was/is destroyed.  I can continue to hate it for the rest of my life, or I can finally accept it.  Finally accept it as the divine temple it is.  What can I do about it now?  Nothing but love it.  I feel sexier now than I ever have.  I weighed 105 when I got married, I am 5'6, so that's really tiny, and now I'm 20 lbs heavier than that.  My weight now would be considered "obese" by my shallow teenage standards.  But I've never loved my body more.  I get it on with the lights on.  "Go on, take it all in...."  ;)  I love to use my vibrator, my dildo's, (sorry for that horrid image!) and I LOVE wearing kinky, tiny, barely there outfits with my beautifully flawed body.  Hooda thunk?  Certainly not me.  It's liberating and exhilarating.  Confidence does come the older you get, life experiences will tend to do that to ya, but it's something that can be learned at any age, at any time, through any circumstance.

The sexiest woman alive can instantly become the ugliest person ever.  The saying "actions speak louder than words" is a saying for a reason; it's true!  Those considered "not as beautiful" by a mis-guided society can become the most beautiful people on the earth.  What's such a heartbreaking shame to me, are girls not reaching their full potential.  It's so sad seeing a snobby beautiful girl.  It's so sad to see a bitter plain girl.  How beautiful they could be if they just broke out of society's labels.  How beautiful is a "beautiful" girl when she refrains from gossip?  When she lifts up those around her?  THAT makes a goddess out of a girl.  How beautiful is a "plain" girl when she is the life of the party, making everyone around her laugh?  Making everyone around her feel safe and happy?  THAT makes a goddess out of a girl.  There's no amount of makeup that can cover a rotting apple.  Whether you're beautiful and vain, plain and bitter, there is no makeup, there is no excuse, and there is no way to hide what you are.  There is no way to make yourself more beautiful than working from the inside out.  Makeup IS fun, but it's something that comes later.  It's icing, or not, that goes on the cake.  How you adorn yourself, heavy, light, or not at all, is personal preference, but it's something that comes AFTER you've worked on the inside.  It becomes a reflection of what's on the inside, not the other way around.  In order to feel beautiful, you gotta stop worrying about feeling beautiful.  :)  Stop worrying about things that don't matter.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to enhance your look, but there's no obsession that's healthy.

Things I had to learn to teach myself confidence:

*"I only care how I feel about myself.  I only care how I feel about myself."
* Smile often.  Smiling tricks your brain into thinking it's happy, even if you're not.  Actually smiling, 'cause you're happy, (and better yet, laughing) is even better.
*  Talk to yourself.  There's enough self mutilation going on in our minds as it is.  "You're fat, you're not pretty enough, not worthy enough..."  It's rubbish.  What stupid lies!  Poke the Leprechaun in your head, make him move out, and let someone kind start paying rent up there.  "I am beautiful, I am healthy, I am SO worth it!!"  Whether you believe it or not, the more your brain hears it, the more it'll get used to the idea.
*Forget yourself.  Narcissism- a generalized personality trait characterized by egotism, vanity, pride, or selfishness.  Mmmm, beautiful or not, isn't obsessing over your looks and talents just that?  Whether it's positive or negative, spending that much time thinking about yourself makes you narcissistic.  And that's never pretty.  Let's start thinking more about others than ourselves.  Service has to be one of the best ways I got over obsessing about how I look.  It's hard to think about yourself or what others think about you when you're so busy helping others.  Volunteer, do charity work.  It's as easy as holding the door open for someone disabled.  Doing something that doesn't revolve around you is my point.  It's not all about you, we share the world with over 7 billion people.  Make it about someone else and you won't care what you look like.
*Be your best friend.  Your best friend wouldn't let anyone call you ugly.  Be nice to yourself!  Respect yourself.  If you can't respect yourself, why do you expect others to respect you?
*Do things that invigorate you.  Meditate, dance, write poetry, blog.  Find things that let you express who you are.  There's so much beauty and talent in there, find ways to express it!  It's the best way to find your confidence, and to find out who you are.  How can you ever fall in love with someone if you never get to know them?  Get to know yourself!
*  Who cares?  This one could be my favorite.  Who cares?  We're only alive for maybe 90 years.  Will I care what I wore, what circles I ran in when I was 20?  Will I regret not doing what made me happy?  Will I regret not being myself, not accepting myself, not loving myself?  At the end of the day, who in the #$%^ cares????  At the end of this life, who was I trying to impress?  My shallow friend at 25?  My mentally abusive boyfriend at 35, 55, 65?  At what age will we finally learn that it doesn't matter?  Who cares???  M.S. and Fibromyalgia are what made it possible for me.  When you can't even take unassisted showers anymore, who cares what people think?  When you need help tying your shoes, buttoning your shirt, when you're writhing in pain, and wishing for death, why would I care about what anyone thinks about me?  Hallelujah I don't!  I can act dumb whenever I want, I can say whatever I want, I will step on your toes if I need to.  I stand up for myself, and you better watch out if I need to put you in your place.  I do not lack in the confidence department.  Pain was good for something.  :)  It takes losing it all to see how much you have.  And I have it all.  I am broke a#$ poor.  I am bed-ridden.  I hurt.  But I have it all.  I love myself, I love my awesome husband and children, my life is so very, very far from perfect, but I love it.  I wouldn't trade my body, my mind, my face, my anything for what someone else has.  Life is flawed.  Why not make the best of what's perfectly flawed?

Drunk princess.

Yesterday was rough.  Very emotional.  When is there a day when M.S. and Fibromyalgia aren't emotional?  Exactly.  I went three days without sleeping.  Talk about emotional wreck.  This is gonna sound crazy, but it turns out the human body needs to sleep.  Crazy, huh?  The way my body treats me, you'd think it forgot it was mortal.  It's always thinking it doesn't need to sleep.  I have the craziest insomnia ever.  Why not take something for it?  With all the medications I'm taking as it is, the only sleeping aids I can take that won't mix bad with my medications don't work.  It's horribly sad.  I work out, eat extremely healthy, I meditate, relax, read, all the things you'd think would cure insomnia.  Or not.

Everyone gets irritable, and extremely mean when they're lacking in the zzzz's.  I am the nastiest, most emotional person when I'm tired.  Three days without sleep, though?  That's just nuts.  As a result, the last three days have been so hard.  Getting the kids and myself ready for church on Sunday, actually going to church on Sunday, having stayed up the entire night before, was so hard.  It lead to so many cry sessions.  "I wanna die.  If I can't sleep, I'm gonna drive off a cliff."  "You hate me!  Go get a wife that doesn't have M.S.!"  Extremely emotional.  If this sounds crazy, try to stay up as late as you can.  I double dare you to go three days without sleep.  There's no way you could.  It takes a special kind of disease to have insomnia this severe.  As late as you could stay up, you'd lose all common sense and reasoning pretty quickly.  It's the most horrible feeling.  There are nights you only get six hours of sleep, and you wanna kill everyone the next day.  Image three days!  It's been so hard!  I was finally able to sleep today.  After three exhausting days, today at one o' clock, I passed out.  Three days of Restless Leg Syndrome, three days of severe insomnia, and I was finally able to pass out.  Finally.  I had to turn on the humidifier, (I dunno, the moisture, mixed with essential oils, is extremely calming for me) turn on the heater, get the sounds, smells, and temperature just right.  I had to have my husband rub my calves for me, trying to calm the Restless Leg Syndrome.  He even had to tell me a bed time story.  Pitiful, right?  If I am left to my own devices, I will sit there, mind whirring, and keep myself up for another three days.  He told me a beautifully distracting story.  There's a princess who lives in the clouds with her kingdom.  She's very nice, everyone loves her, but she's lonely.  Her friends love her so much, they decide to go to the neighboring kingdom and seek the handsome prince.  "The librarian says, 'I will go, the princess is good and kind, and often comes in to buy books from me.'  The blacksmith speaks up and says, 'I too will go.  The princess always comes in, just to see how I'm doing.'  The um..."  My husband pauses as he thinks of who else volunteers.  Mind unwinding, I lazily respond, "The winemaker says, 'I'll go, that crazy bit%h is in here every hour gettin' wasted!"

The drunk, but kind princess gets her prince, and lives happily ever after.  The end of the story, the end of me.  I finally drift off into a story of my own.

          

Dreams.

You have the craziest dreams with Fibromyalgia and M.S.  Once you've actually beaten through insomnia, you have crazy, intense dreams.  Then your Fibro Fog is so bad, you often wonder if it was just a dream, or if it really happened.  Most often it was just a dream, though it's very hard to differentiate the two.  Take for example this morning.  I am up at four thirty in the morning writing this.  Insomnia has me so plagued, I cannot sleep, no matter how I try.  As I lay quiet in my bed, I gently rub my neck.  All of a sudden this triggers a memory.  What I feel is a memory.  Me sitting in a doctors office.  Being told my Goiter is so large, it will have to be surgically removed.  I remember a doctor touching my neck, feeling around, looking very alarmed as he sizes my neck up.  He looks very worried.  Next thing I know, he tells me I need surgery to remove it.  Laying in bed tonight, the flashback plays through my head.  I quickly feel for my Thyroid.  It is not enlarged.  Was that just a dream?  It can't be.  I remember being there.  I remember feeling it.  I remember the fear, the emotions.  There's no way that was just a dream, but sure enough, the proof is in my neck; no enlarged Thyroid.  It had to have been a dream.

There are so many circumstances where I have to think hard; did this really happen?  Did I have that conversation with my mom?  There have been far too many times I ask my husband, "was it a dream, or did I...?"  "Was it a dream, or did we talk about...?"  "Was that just a dream, or did it really happen?"  He's about the only thing that can keep my reality and my dreams separate.  Then I'm like, "oh yeah, you're an M.S.ed cripple.  You're bed ridden, how could that have happened when you don't even leave the house all that often?"  :)

Studies show that men tend to have more sexual dreams, load of crap, my dreams are far more sensual than my husband's, and that women tend to have more intense dreams.  Being chased, getting stuck, dealing with something scary, or something we're trying to resolve in the waking world.  This I can agree with.  When I'm not making passionate love to Mr. Darcy, my dreams are the scary intense ones.  It's funny, I can only have raunchy dreams, or incredibly frightening dreams.  There is nothing else, and there is nothing in between.  Sex or fear.  I do have to admit, those are two topics that are always on my mind, so in a sense, that makes perfect sense.  The fear though.  Those dreams suck.  I am always being chased, someone is always in danger, I am always fearing for my life.  I like the dreams when what's chasing you is continuing at a normal rate, yet all of a sudden, your legs are heavier than lead.  You're stuck in time, trying desperately to run, while your fear is quickly gaining on you.  Hate those dreams!

Regardless of the dream path I go down, I dream so incredibly hard, I even act them out.  I've had sex in my sleep.  Didn't wake up until we were WAY into it.  Sorry for the visual.  I've tried climbing out the window to save my family from someone trying to shoot us, I've walked around the house, looking for rapists.  Funniest, but not so funny dream story, is trying to kill my husband.  I tried to kill my husband when I was sleep walking, shortly after we married.  No kids, blissful newlyweds, and what did it take?  Batman.  The movie Batman.  That was it.  If I watch an intense movie, it's a guarantee I'll act it out that night.  Sure enough, I was Batman, my husband was a bad man, someone who needed to die, just like the movie.  I was looming over his body, hands in the air, ready to bring a pretend knife down into his chest.  He woke up, feeling me there, and told me to go back to bed.  Thank goodness, even though still asleep, I listen to what I'm being told.  I went back to bed.  Thank goodness I listen, and thank goodness my mind doesn't think about grabbing a kitchen knife.

It's so interesting how the mind works.  Although none of us are as bright as we'd like to think we are, our minds are pure genius.  It can hold and retain sooooo much information.  It never ceases to amaze me.  Although I couldn't tell you what happened five minutes ago, my mind will find random times to remind me of something it stored away, many, many years ago.  Take for example another dream I had.  I lay sleeping in my Florida home.  Mind you, I have never lived in Florida, and my mind pieced together a very real home.  I can still tell you every detail of my room in that house.  Maybe I saw an image of a room, details all coming together that my mind has stored away?  I don't know, but it was as real to me as any experience I've ever had.  I can feel the warm summer breeze coming through my screen sliding door.  It's dark, late at night, and I am asleep.  I had read in the newspaper earlier that day that Ted Bundy had escaped from prison.  This all took place in the 1980's, too.  I remember the horrible peach paint on the walls, a sure sign of the 80's.  The 80's Hawaiian print often found on bedspreads, like mine had.  It was very peach and teal, very 80's.  I knew this was the time period I was in.  Although I was only born in the 1980's, I was a full grown woman in my dream.  I am sleeping peacefully, when all of a sudden Ted Bundy opens my screen door.  Ted Bundy is in my room, with a most evil look on his face.  I know I will die.  This dream is so very real.  It's so incredibly intense, it forces me awake.  I am so terrified, Ted Bundy doesn't even come towards me.  I force myself awake the moment he enters my room.  Here's the skin prickling side of the story; I had no idea who Ted Bundy was.  In my dream, I knew he would rape and murder me, I knew he would bring me harm.  I was terrified of this man.  I wanted to know why.  The moment I woke up, I Googled Ted Bundy.  Why my mind would bring me such a specific name, especially one I wasn't aware of, puzzled me.  Turns out there is a real Ted Bundy.  Turns out he was a most evil man.  Rapist, murderer, kidnapper, and necrophile.  I got shivers up and down my spine.  I have never even heard of this man, yet my mind brought him to me in a dream.  Just now, as I was Googling him again, just to make sure I was spelling his last name right, I got shivers all over again.  I never understood why my dream took place in Florida.  I've been there maybe twice in my lifetime, and like I said, never lived there.  This just happened, that as I looked up his name to spell it correctly, I read  he was electrocuted from a death sentence in Florida.  I thought this dream's shock was over for me.  Who knew the connection between Florida and my dream?  I had no idea, until just five minutes ago, that that's where Ted Bundy was imprisoned and killed.  Eh, chills all over again.  The point I am making is how amazing the mind is.  I called my brother, absolutely horrified, and told him I had no idea who Ted Bundy was, but that I had dreamed he was going to rape and murder me the night before.  My brother and I often have deep, thoughtful conversations, and dreams have always fascinated us.  This one was most interesting.  He mentioned how amazing the brain is at retaining information.  It was most obvious that my subconscious memory had heard about Ted Bundy somewhere.  Even as a small child, I may have overheard a conversation about him, maybe not even aware my brain was taking notes.  It is absolutely chilling, and fascinating how our memories work.  That's why it's not all too shocking when I can't tell the difference from reality and the dream world.  My subconscious is hard at work.  Manifesting things to me that I already know.  Somewhere.  Even if my conscious mind isn't aware of things that far embedded, it's obviously coming from somewhere.  How fascinating, really.

As I sit here, dealing with my ridiculous insomnia at five fifteen in the morning, I wonder what my mind will pluck from obscurity when sleep finally claims me.  There are times I am terrified of drifting off.  My dreams are a frightening place to be, and I'm not always brave enough to face them.  Sometimes I look forward to them.  Mr. Darcy, anyone?  Either way, my dreams aren't something I can escape.  My mind is obviously trying to deal with something.  As terrifying as they are, as unrealistic as they are, I am still stuck asking, "did that really happen, or did I dream that?"

Bloody, stubby nubs.

Someone asked me why I'm not blogging as much as I used to.  Bloody, stubby nubs.  That's what my fingers feel like.  It takes having chronic pain to understand what I'm saying.  It hurts to type on a keyboard.  It hurts so bad, I've been trying to comment less and less on Facebook.  The fewer things you comment on, the less you have to respond to.  Holy old.  Ooooh, it hurts bad.  I feel like a bad friend when it takes me a week to respond to an e-mail.  I have to mentally and physically prepare myself to respond to a letter.  I've been dying to blog.  My mind is always thinking, always busy, and of course it's always about Fibromyalgia and M.S.  What else do you think about, wracked with this much pain?  It's kind of like being pregnant.  Pregnancy sucks.  Pregnant people can only think about the pregnancy and their baby.  Pregnancy really consumes you.  You read all the pregnancy books, you watch all the pregnancy movies, it's on your mind 24/7.  Having a disease is the exact same way.  It totally consumes you.  You read all the books on it, watch all the documentaries on it.  It consumes your mind, just like pregnancy.  Pregnancy is so rude, up in your face.  The symptoms are awful!  How can you think about anything else when it's always in your face?  When you're always swollen, when you can never breath, sleep, when you're so dang tired all the time?  Ya can't.  That's why pregnant people are crazy.  It's all they talk about, think about, obsess about.  If it's not their feet, it's their back.  If it's not their head, it's their lungs, if it's not one thing, it's another.  Pregnancy is about the only think I can compare chronic pain to, so people who don't suffer from it can understand.  Even husband's get how crazy their wives are when they're pregnant.  Everyone can understand pregnancy, men and women alike.  Granted, only if they had pregnancies as evil and as hard as I did.  :)  Women who say, "I love being pregnant," or, "my pregnancies were fantastic" are evil, they need to die.  'Cause that's just not fair.  So if you fall into this class, my unfair friend, you are excluded, and have no idea what I am talking about.  If you, however, suffered the many uncomfortable side effects of pregnancy, you'll sort of have an idea what I'm talking about.  While pregnancy is uncomfortable, it doesn't even come close to comparing it to M.S. or Fibromyalgia.  So be grateful this discomfort wasn't nearly as horrific, and that it ended after nine months.  The example I give is to demonstrate the inability to be able to focus on anything else.  ALL you can think about while you're pregnant is how miserable you are.  The same holds true for many diseases, though most especially for those dealing with chronic pain.  How in the world are you supposed to think about anything else when it's always right there, always so severe?  I'll tell ya a secret, ya can't.  So as much as I'd like to blog more, and as much as I think about it and miss it, my bloody, stubby nubs are always like, "nah, that would hurt, why would we go that route?"  Eh, ya got me there, nubs.

In other news, I am Lyme and lime free!  I recently shared concerns over having Lyme disease.  Turns out I do not have it, hallelujah!  Lyme and Fibromyalgia can both lead to M.S.  Lyme is something that can be cured and treated if found in the early stages of the disease.  If left untreated, it will stay forever, which in turn can cause M.S.  I so hoped Fibromyalgia is what caused my M.S., and not a disease that I could have prevented.  I would have been angry beyond anything if I had known I could have prevented all of this.  Turns out, I am blameless.  Through no fault of my own, Fibromyalgia is what caused my M.S.  I am so grateful.  People with chronic pain deal with enough guilt and pain, whether anything was our fault or not, we still find a way to blame ourselves.  If I had to deal with a disease that I could have cured, I would need a whole lot of therapy.  For that brief moment of being scared waiting for the Lyme results, my heart really went out to those who suffer from Lyme.  What frustration.  Knowing some stupid, tiny insect can change and ruin the rest of your life.  That takes things to a whole new level.  Fibromyalgia and M.S. chose me, and there is nothing I could have done, or can do, to stop it.  I can't even pretend to understand the new pain dealing with Lyme must bring.  To my fellow chronic pain Lyme sufferers, my heart goes out to you.  I know chronic pain, but I cannot even begin to pretend that I know the extra pain and suffering Lyme brings.  We each deal with our own demons, and while M.S. can be about as bad as it gets, I am extremely grateful I am Lyme free.  I don't think that's an extra dynamic I could have added to what I am already facing.

So while writing more is something I want, and plan on doing, I'm trying to find the best way to go about it.  My husband is working more, which means more pain trying to take care of four very small children.  More pain trying to shower on my own.  More pain forcing myself on my treadmill.  More pain trying to fix myself healthier meals.  It's been rough.  I'm also weaning myself off of my pain killers.  I figure, M.S. permitting, if I want to live to be a hundred years old, Tramadol won't see me through.  My kidney's are showing signs of wear and tear.  Let's hit thirty before we kill them completely, eh?  So with that said, it's been even harder trying to do this pain killer free.  The pain is so very much in my face now.  I eat extremely healthy, I walk on my treadmill every day, my husband makes sure I sleep the extra time people with Fibromyalgia and M.S. need, and we're slowly trying to go the best route for me.  We're now using a pure iodine supplement  which should be helping tremendously.  I use lots of herbs, essential oils, massage, and a whole lot of laughter and friendship.  The best medicines out there.  While I have no idea what will help, what won't help, pharmaceutically or naturally, I'm trying to listen to my body.  Listen to what it wants.  How it feels.  It's an extremely slow and painful process, and I won't lie, cutting back on my yummy drugs sucks, but I want to live.  Living in pain is no way to live, I know that, and it's hard to decide whether or not you'd rather live a full, short life, or a long, painful life, but for now, I just want to let my body "speak."  I want to listen.  I want to try everything before I settle on one way.  So we'll see what the body says.  Regardless of anything, eating well, exercising, using oil's, supplements, sleeping well, sunshine, and laughter are a fantastic idea, even if used in conjunction with medications.  Oh, makeup and nail polish, too, let's not forget.  That's GREAT medication!  ;)

So let's see how the writing is affected.  Hopefully here in a little bit, it'll stop feeling so painful to write.  Until then, here's to one painfully funny day at a time.

And a laugh for your day.