Toxic relationships are all the same. You're seduced with comfort and feelings of love. Then you're left feeling empty and sick. So why do we keep coming back for more and more abuse? We know the outcome will always be the same.
What am I talking about? Sugar. Oh, the seductiveness of sugar. Makes you feel happy one moment, sick the next. I'm on to you, sugar.
Hubby and I sat down to watch the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead last night. I had already watched it, but it was his first time seeing it. I won't ruin it with any spoilers, but it ends pretty sad. Knowing it was coming, and heck, just wanting to "have fun" with the hubby, we both decided to watch and munch on some candy. What's wrong with that? Well, if you have severe IBS, Fibromyalgia, and an auto immune disease, a lot. Sugar is the enemy when you have these conditions. I've sworn off sugar. Haven't touched the stuff in a long time. Not only is it physically painful to me, it makes me shake, sweaty, nauseated and dizzzy, just to name a few. "Well, a few won't hurt." And no kidding, it was only a few. A few Now and Laters, and a few of the small Jaw Breakers. Seriously, not that much. All is well, which is why it's easy to get sucked in. Que just an hour later, and I am writhing in pain. If you don't have a bad case of IBS, it's just hard to explain how painful it is. If you've ever seen Along Came Polly, then you'll know what I'm talking about. I feel like Ben Stiller every time! It's really uncomfortable, and pretty painful. And the funny thing is, cheap candy doesn't even taste good. Really, it wasn't even an exciting experience. Sometimes I just feel so cheated and left out when my family of iron guts can eat whatever they want, and be no worse for wear. Sometimes I just have to be stupid and remind myself that I'm REALLY not missing out on anything. What an extreme lesson to learn.
Today I woke up beyond exhausted. With auto immune that goes without say, but when you've been poisoned, it gets even worse. My head is super foggy. I feel so sick, nauseated, dizzy, and well, no other way to say it than just gross. I feel really uncomfortable in my body today. I also woke up with a cold sore. Haven't had one of these in a really long time. Boy, is my body trying to tell me its been poisoned or what?
I work out every day, and today was hard! My heart, let alone my muscles, just weren't in it. I tried to push it. I tried not to puke. I tried not to curl up into fetal position and cry. "All because of a handful of candy?" Yes, all because I intentionally poisoned myself.
So again I ask: why do we keep coming back to toxic relationships? It may feel good at the moment, but really, at what price? How can feeling this bad be worth it?
Dear Sugar,
It's not you, it's me. It was fun at first. We've had some good times, we've had some bad times. You've been there to comfort me in the past, telling me you're good for me. Telling me that I need you in order to feel good about myself. Telling me you're the only way I can have a good time. Telling me that if something goes wrong in my life, you'll always be there for me. I've learned to rely on you, depend on you to get me through the best of times and the worst of times. But the truth is, I don't need you. I don't need anything telling me I'm not strong without them. While you have been there to comfort me, its been a very one sided relationship. While I get momentary relief, you always end up hurting me in the end. I've given you the best years of my life. The happy times and the sad. What have you given me in return? Nothing but a breeding ground for more pain and suffering. So Sugar, again, it's not you, it's me. I'm better than that. I deserve better than a one sided relationship. You may not think so, but I am worth it. I am worth feeling good about myself, and I am worth doing it alone, without your help. I am worth being loved through the good and the bad times by someone who won't leave me feeling empty or sick. I have come back to you, even after I said I was done with you. That wasn't your fault, it was mine. I promise you now, it will never happen again. This yo-yo relationship is sick. And it's over.
Sincerely,
Me
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