Wednesday, February 27, 2013
What to do with insomnia.
Fellow nerd friend asked if I'd paint him some Star Wars nails. Like I've mentioned before, I'm a makeup artist, and nails so go with that. Here's what I stayed up until seven in the morning doing. Okay, I watched some Tyler Perry movie, too, but this is what happens when you're an insomniac:
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
It's amazing the North won.
Sometimes I think it's amazing the northern states won the war. Since they're far more prone to auto-immune diseases, and Lyme Disease, it's amazing they all didn't call in sick to work. I sure as heck wouldn't have helped the war effort.
So them northern states. Why are you more likely to get an auto-immune disease in the northern states than you are in the southern states? Not hard to figure that one out. Yeah, the sun! The vitamins the sun provides can stave off a whole lot of disease. That much has been proven, but my little extra theory? When you're stuck in your house for 6-9 months out of the year, depressed, eating too much, not working out enough, it's kind of common sense. Anything could get sick under those circumstances. Where we live in Idaho, it can start snowing as early as September, and can snow as late as June. It snowed the day we gave birth to our daughter; June 7th! We've only been here 5 years, but someone told us they remember a really bad blizzard on the fourth of July. They all had to watch the fourth of July parade from their cars. That's just pathetic. I am from Dallas, Texas. The place where you're swimming on Valentines Day. Where you pray it'll be even a little cold, like at least 60 degrees. That way you can try to feel like it's Christmas. You're still mowing your lawn a few days before Christmas. Then it's "cold" for about a month or two. By cold I mean like 40's or 50's. When it's cold here, it's like -40. It's not fun. When you have four small kids, you spend two hours getting them dressed for winter play. Then they're cold in 20 minutes and you're back in the house. Not worth the effort. You have to have money to have fun in the snow. Everyone snow mobiles up here. Everyone but the poor college graduates. You can only take so much of the same four walls in your house. I would totally have parties, friends over all the time, but ya know what that would require? Me cleaning. M.S. says, "yeah right, ya old bag!"
So to go along with the dumbness of the cold, and living in a northern state, I wanted to touch base on Lyme Disease. Turns out there's a good chance I have Lyme Disease, too. I know, lucky me, right? Let's keep adding all the colors of the rainbow to what I get to rock. What color do you think represents Lyme? Yeah, lime! :)
Pretty, isn't it? That's a good color if you're gonna rock out to something stupid like Lyme Disease. It could be a beautiful addition to the purple, orange and blue I'm already fighting. Pretty rainbow, huh?
So Lyme Disease isn't something you really hear about until/unless you're in a northern state. I wouldn't wanna live up north, so don't ask me why ticks would. Lyme Disease is transported to you when you're bit by an insect. It's a common misconception that Lyme Disease comes only from ticks, or that it's only in northern states. It's true it's most common in northern states, but you can get it anywhere. It's also not true that it's only transmitted by ticks. It can be contracted through spiders, mosquitoes, um, anything that can bite you. :) So why talk about Lyme when you already have M.S. and Fibromyalgia? 'Cause hawt dang, Lyme COULD be my M.S. and Fibromyalgia. Lyme can be a great deceiver. It looks and acts exactly like M.S. and Fibromyalgia. The MRI I got, which already proved I have holes in my brain (a dead give away for M.S.) can ALSO be Lyme. There's a chance I may not even have M.S. In every shape, way and form, Lyme could be duping me and my doctors. The symptoms of M.S. and Fibromyalgia ARE Lyme's exact symptoms. Pretty crazy, huh? M.S. and Lyme are so much alike, it's not even funny. So how do you tell the difference? A simple, freaking blood test. Can you also believe that? Makes me sick. There are no blood tests for Fibromyalgia or M.S. The only diagnosis for M.S. is an MRI and/or a spinal tap. No blood work for either disease. Lyme does show up positive in a simple blood test. So frustrating. Why has no one ever tested me for Lyme disease, especially living in a northern state???
So why wonder if it's even Lyme Disease at all? I'm glad you asked. My symptoms all started when (we are so freaking stupid to not have made this connection) I was bit by this guy:
Why show you this nasty picture? 'Cause I want you to be as grossed out as I am. I'm mean like that. This is a male Hobo spider. Never heard of them? Neither had I. It's a shame, too. They're more deadly than a Brown Recluse spider. Ah, you've heard of those, right? Hobo's are only found in northern states, Brown Recluse are only found in southern states. The difference in their deadliness? None. Hobo's are just as deadly as Brown Recluse spiders. Turns out they're close family members. The reason Hobo's are more dangerous? Brown Recluse spiders, much like their name, are reclusive. You'd have to go piss off their home to make them mad. They are terrified of us, and deliberately try to avoid you. Hobos? He he, just like their name, they're freaking hobo's, they wanna find them a home; your home! Most spiders, Brown Recluse included, stay up in higher places to avoid danger, making their webs higher up. Hobo's don't make webs. That's right, they run after their prey. Hobo's can't climb walls, and they don't need to. They do everything on the ground. So you're never safe from them. They're in shoes, under your toilet, always under foot, waiting to eat you. I know that sounds funny, but it's the dead, freaking honest truth. Unless you've lived in a northern state, you'll think I'm exaggerating, but these spiders will full on come charge at you, trying to attack you. Freaking scary, right? It is! My sister spends every summer with us from Utah, where they don't have Hobo's like Idaho. She was charged by a Hobo when she was in the bathroom. They literally come charging at you, trying to bite you. She had a heart attack, but that wasn't even the first experience. We saw a Hobo at least every other day. They're rampant. It's amazing we're not all dead up here. They get massive, too. So imagine a massive, attacking, running faster than you can, spider. They're freaking fast, I kid you not. They'll be on you faster than you can decide what furniture to jump on. This is why they're deadlier than Brown Recluse spiders. Fast, aggressive, never in a web, always on ground level. Boys are more toxic than girls. This is what I was bit by. A stupid head, Hobo spider. My family, extended family included, had nightmares for weeks after I got bit. And once again, unless you've actually been bit by a Hobo, you'll never understand how bad that feels. Try M.S. and Fibromyalgia X30. That's the worst feeling I've ever felt. Then you're also wondering if you're gonna die, too. People die from Hobo/Brown Recluse bites. It's a wee bit unsettling to have to deal with that thought on top of feeling like you're dying anyways. I got bit on my hip. Everyone said, "you're so lucky it was a fattier tissue area." Not true. Turns out the fattier it is, the worse off you are. It has more area to spread, plus it'll keep going until it's eating the bone away. Yay, who needs a hip? I went to the emergency room, go figure they don't do anything for spider bites. Sent me home, waiting to die, lose a leg, I didn't know. The extra creepy, ironic about this, was that my co-worker had just been bit by a Hobo spider two weeks before I did. She almost had to have her arm amputated. It went all the way down to her bone and nerves within three days. She was at the hospital getting her dead tissue scraped out and drained every day. Went around with a permanent I.V. in her arm for weeks. Scared the butt crap out of me, especially getting bit only two weeks later. She is a massage therapist and almost lost her lively hood because of a stupid spider. Her arm never healed. It's severely scarred and damaged, even years later. Scared me, did I say that??? I bit the dust on that one. We had a friend who happened to have a black salve concoction. When it comes to natural things, I know they're good, but I can be a bit skeptical. Especially with a deadly spider? Holy moly, that stuff worked. Like crazy. It sucked out all the toxins, letting me feel normal only after a few weeks after the bite. Amazing. Spider bite symptoms can last months, sometimes years. Weeks? I was so lucky. It left a gigantic crater in my hip, about the size of a quarter, something else I had been fearing, but plumped up really fast. Now, three years later, you can't even tell where the spider bite was. It's back to it's normal size and the scar is almost completely gone. SO amazing! I was very, very fortunate. Thank you mother nature!
Anywho, that's my long winded story about Lyme. When you live in a northern state AND you've been bit by a stupid head, you should definitely get tested for Lyme. It's so retarded we never thought about the connection. We really are so stupid. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if this had been Lyme all along. That's exactly when my symptoms stared. Being this sweet, southern belle, (okay, that's a load of crap, but southern all the same) you don't know about Lyme. It's not something you worry or talk about in Texas. Come up to Idaho and you start hearing more and more about it. Shame on my doctors, though, seriously. I'm not the native here, I'm not the doctor here, and I'm the one who has to mention it. For shame! :) I do my blood test tomorrow, then I have to wait a week for the results. I'll definitely do an update when I find out if it's Lyme or if it's staying M.S. It won't change a dang thing if it is Lyme, and I'm almost scared to find out if it is. I would be angry for the rest of my life. Lyme can be cured if you catch it immediately. If you let it go into stage three, which would be, oh I don't know, getting freaking tested three years later, there's nothing they can do at that point. I would forever be guilty and angry that I now have a miserable disease for life that I could have cured. In a way, please let it still be M.S. I don't want to deal with that anger right now. I know it's not my fault in any way, but to know I could have cured it? That would torture me for the rest of my life. C'mon, M.S.!!! Mamma's rootin' for ya!
So them northern states. Why are you more likely to get an auto-immune disease in the northern states than you are in the southern states? Not hard to figure that one out. Yeah, the sun! The vitamins the sun provides can stave off a whole lot of disease. That much has been proven, but my little extra theory? When you're stuck in your house for 6-9 months out of the year, depressed, eating too much, not working out enough, it's kind of common sense. Anything could get sick under those circumstances. Where we live in Idaho, it can start snowing as early as September, and can snow as late as June. It snowed the day we gave birth to our daughter; June 7th! We've only been here 5 years, but someone told us they remember a really bad blizzard on the fourth of July. They all had to watch the fourth of July parade from their cars. That's just pathetic. I am from Dallas, Texas. The place where you're swimming on Valentines Day. Where you pray it'll be even a little cold, like at least 60 degrees. That way you can try to feel like it's Christmas. You're still mowing your lawn a few days before Christmas. Then it's "cold" for about a month or two. By cold I mean like 40's or 50's. When it's cold here, it's like -40. It's not fun. When you have four small kids, you spend two hours getting them dressed for winter play. Then they're cold in 20 minutes and you're back in the house. Not worth the effort. You have to have money to have fun in the snow. Everyone snow mobiles up here. Everyone but the poor college graduates. You can only take so much of the same four walls in your house. I would totally have parties, friends over all the time, but ya know what that would require? Me cleaning. M.S. says, "yeah right, ya old bag!"
So to go along with the dumbness of the cold, and living in a northern state, I wanted to touch base on Lyme Disease. Turns out there's a good chance I have Lyme Disease, too. I know, lucky me, right? Let's keep adding all the colors of the rainbow to what I get to rock. What color do you think represents Lyme? Yeah, lime! :)
So Lyme Disease isn't something you really hear about until/unless you're in a northern state. I wouldn't wanna live up north, so don't ask me why ticks would. Lyme Disease is transported to you when you're bit by an insect. It's a common misconception that Lyme Disease comes only from ticks, or that it's only in northern states. It's true it's most common in northern states, but you can get it anywhere. It's also not true that it's only transmitted by ticks. It can be contracted through spiders, mosquitoes, um, anything that can bite you. :) So why talk about Lyme when you already have M.S. and Fibromyalgia? 'Cause hawt dang, Lyme COULD be my M.S. and Fibromyalgia. Lyme can be a great deceiver. It looks and acts exactly like M.S. and Fibromyalgia. The MRI I got, which already proved I have holes in my brain (a dead give away for M.S.) can ALSO be Lyme. There's a chance I may not even have M.S. In every shape, way and form, Lyme could be duping me and my doctors. The symptoms of M.S. and Fibromyalgia ARE Lyme's exact symptoms. Pretty crazy, huh? M.S. and Lyme are so much alike, it's not even funny. So how do you tell the difference? A simple, freaking blood test. Can you also believe that? Makes me sick. There are no blood tests for Fibromyalgia or M.S. The only diagnosis for M.S. is an MRI and/or a spinal tap. No blood work for either disease. Lyme does show up positive in a simple blood test. So frustrating. Why has no one ever tested me for Lyme disease, especially living in a northern state???
So why wonder if it's even Lyme Disease at all? I'm glad you asked. My symptoms all started when (we are so freaking stupid to not have made this connection) I was bit by this guy:
Anywho, that's my long winded story about Lyme. When you live in a northern state AND you've been bit by a stupid head, you should definitely get tested for Lyme. It's so retarded we never thought about the connection. We really are so stupid. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if this had been Lyme all along. That's exactly when my symptoms stared. Being this sweet, southern belle, (okay, that's a load of crap, but southern all the same) you don't know about Lyme. It's not something you worry or talk about in Texas. Come up to Idaho and you start hearing more and more about it. Shame on my doctors, though, seriously. I'm not the native here, I'm not the doctor here, and I'm the one who has to mention it. For shame! :) I do my blood test tomorrow, then I have to wait a week for the results. I'll definitely do an update when I find out if it's Lyme or if it's staying M.S. It won't change a dang thing if it is Lyme, and I'm almost scared to find out if it is. I would be angry for the rest of my life. Lyme can be cured if you catch it immediately. If you let it go into stage three, which would be, oh I don't know, getting freaking tested three years later, there's nothing they can do at that point. I would forever be guilty and angry that I now have a miserable disease for life that I could have cured. In a way, please let it still be M.S. I don't want to deal with that anger right now. I know it's not my fault in any way, but to know I could have cured it? That would torture me for the rest of my life. C'mon, M.S.!!! Mamma's rootin' for ya!
Friday, February 15, 2013
The healing power of art.
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| Water color painting of the Washington D.C. LDS temple. |
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| Charcoal. |
The hub's and I have long talked about putting art up in our house. We love it, and totally agree it's time to go that route. Being poor is definitely a good way to put a hinder on that, but hooray for awesome family and friends who are going to be donating personalized art work.
I 100% believe that art is a powerful healer. Being the artist and reaping the benefits as an admirer, art is powerful.
Check out some amazing stuff I found on Google:
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| This one may be risque to some, sorry if it offends you. This one is so beautiful to me, though. My husband is my care taker; physically and emotionally. It's a powerful one to me. |
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| I know I've posted this one before, but yeah, I loves it! :) Butterflies are M.S. and Fibromyalgia's official symbol. She's overcome by the "butterflies" in her life, M.S. and Fibro, but they've also made her a more beautiful person because of it. |
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| This one's pretty obvious. The butterfly is the official symbol for M.S., and orange is the official color for M.S. She's still beautiful, even through the pain of the butterfly. |
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| I absolutely adore this one. So much pain, darkness, emotion. You're just drawn to pieces that move you. For me, that would be pain, darkness and emotions. :) Courtesy of M.S. and Fibro. |
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Oy vey, what a day!
Ya do too much and what happens? Restless Leg Syndrome. I don't get the point of it. It's two in the morning, and I'm dying. I am tired! Can't sleep, though, that would just be insane! Of course it would. So here I am, writing about stupid head RLS. Uch. If you've never experienced it, lemme just tell ya, it ain't fun. It's exactly what it sounds like. Your legs are restless. :) You feel the constant need to move them. You can't sleep, the power to move your legs is pretty strong. I also have a problem with circulation, and that really seems to trigger it. When the circulation cuts off in my legs, it ALWAYS follows! I'm skinny, and besides being retarded, I'm healthy I guess. It's dumb M.S. works that way. M.S. can't give your body the messages it needs. The circulation issues came along the same time as the M.S. I'm young, like I said, skinny, so it can't be anything but the M.S. I eat healthy, and try to work out as much as I can. I mean that's what M.S. does anyways. Cuts messages off. The circulation's so annoying. It hurts, and it's very uncomfortable. I think I'm gettin' a good flare up, too. I took a trip to Utah last weekend, (DUMB!) and I'm thinking maybe that's what it was? I dunno. I have a fever tonight, (I always get a fever when a bad flare's coming on.) so I'm pretty sure that's why the RLS is pissed off. I got a bad fever every night in Utah, followed by the bad circulation, and of course the RLS, which resulted in zero sleep. There was a night I never fell asleep. It was THAT bad. It's so annoying. So uncomfortable. I'd so rather be sleeping. Sleep has to find me eventually, right? Now that I've blogged and Facbooked, I guess it's off to Netflix now. Dumb.
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| I know it's funny, but it's pretty accurate, unfortunately. |
Monday, February 11, 2013
The power of sisters. ❤
They say everyone has a soul-mate, someone who completes their other half. Sure romantically, but that fills the description of a sister to a tee, too. At least with me and my sister it does. There are only a handful of people I would die without. Husband, children, sister. My sister is the other half of my brain. The other half of my soul. She is the white to my rice. I have never had, or ever will, have a best friend like my sister. We know what the other person is thinking. We're perverted, crude, and hilarious. We've never met anyone quite like us. The link between sisters goes far deeper than any other relationship. Sisters are funny, ya either love 'em, or hate 'em. I can't believe when I hear people say that they hate their sister. My sister and I are 11 1/2 years apart, me obviously being the older. I prayed for those 11 years for a sister. Ya see, I was the fifth child. I was also the only girl. I had four older brothers, and baby number six was also a boy. I had five brothers for 9 years. Don't get me wrong, I insanely love my brothers, and growing up the only girl with five brothers was never a dull moment. There was totally something missing, though. Pink. I prayed like you've never prayed. I needed a sister, and I needed her bad. I didn't care that it took 11 1/2 years later, I finally got my sister. My mom's seventh and final baby was a girl! Hallelujah! When you need and pray that hard for a sister, you know this bond is going to be extra special. She was my baby. I bathed her, changed her diaper, fed her, rocked her, loved her (yes, I can compare the two, since I am a mother!) like she was my own baby. I loved this little girl more than anything in the world. Even as a tiny infant, I knew this kid and I were in for some ride! Boy what a ride it's been. She's now a beautiful teenager. She's turned from being my "baby" to my best friend. She spends every summer at my house. She's also best friends with my husband now, the "stupid head" who stole me away from her when she was only five. The three of us are the wildest trio you've ever seen. The two loves of my life. My heart would cease to exist without my sister. The bond between sisters is on a spiritual level. I know the two of us were meant to be together, nothing could have stopped that.
I was lucky enough to spend Friday through today, Monday, with my sister. I went to go support her in her high school choir concert. She was playing Meg from Disney's Hercules. She sang a solo for "I won't say I'm in love." That girl rocked my socks! Most amazing singer, ever! I'm NOT saying that because she's my sister, the girl's one of the best I've ever heard, bar none. She has a seriously strong, loud pop voice. So good. The girl's Adele, no lie! She came out on that stage with so much confidence and power. So amazing! Blew muh socks off. I couldn't believe that was the baby who's diaper's I had changed. Such a proud moment.
Being the big sister, the dynamic is so much more different for me than it is for her, as the little sister. She will never understand how proud of her I am. How much I love her. I do tell her, all the time. I'm just so glad she feels the bond as strongly as I do. That she knows I would die for her. My sister is my drug. :) She makes M.S. and Fibromyalgia ten times funnier, and far less painful. ❤ this girl!
I was lucky enough to spend Friday through today, Monday, with my sister. I went to go support her in her high school choir concert. She was playing Meg from Disney's Hercules. She sang a solo for "I won't say I'm in love." That girl rocked my socks! Most amazing singer, ever! I'm NOT saying that because she's my sister, the girl's one of the best I've ever heard, bar none. She has a seriously strong, loud pop voice. So good. The girl's Adele, no lie! She came out on that stage with so much confidence and power. So amazing! Blew muh socks off. I couldn't believe that was the baby who's diaper's I had changed. Such a proud moment.
Being the big sister, the dynamic is so much more different for me than it is for her, as the little sister. She will never understand how proud of her I am. How much I love her. I do tell her, all the time. I'm just so glad she feels the bond as strongly as I do. That she knows I would die for her. My sister is my drug. :) She makes M.S. and Fibromyalgia ten times funnier, and far less painful. ❤ this girl!
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| My mommy took this picture of us, right after my sisters concert as Meg. |
Thursday, February 7, 2013
It's just one of those days.
One of those days where you get tired of hearing people complain about how horrible it is to have the flu for three weeks. How horrible it is to have a sprained ankle.
People get tired of hearing you complain. When you have the "flu" for a lot longer than three weeks, you're not allowed to complain anymore. I know it's hard to have the flu, I know it's hard to have a sprained ankle. It's hard to have a disease that progresses and can kill you. It's hard to take assisted showers. It's hard having four children that you cannot physically take care of. Ever. It's hard not being able to feed yourself. It's hard not being able to think about anything but the pain. It's hard knowing that being a dreamer is useless, you can never be like the dreamers. It's hard to know your family suffers because of you. It's hard to accept the fact that getting out of your bed is a good day. It's just hard. It's hard to look young, be young, and feel like I'm already dead. Most days you can handle it pretty well. Then there's day's like today, where you're only working on three hours of sleep. When you've only had one meal for the day, and then all your diseases hit you in the face. When life, once again, is being life, and it just becomes too much to handle. When you have to admit that you do have a deadly disease. That you are a disabled crippled, and cha, that pretty much sucks. When the physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional anguish ravaging your body. When pain that would bring most people down in instant tears is no longer your greatest pain. They say positive thoughts can heal everything. One, it does help, but doesn't stop anything, and two, if that's the case, I'm in big trouble. I'm not much of a positive person. I love life, I love to laugh, but I have a very sinister outlook on life. Most days I am better, but not days where it just catches up to you. My childhood could be a New York Times best seller. Think of anything evil that can happen to a child. Okay, welcome to my childhood. That child got thrust into adulthood completely unprepared to handle anything. Thrown into circumstances no less devastating than the childhood. Now coming up to my third decade I wonder what there is to life. How can you live so long and experience nothing but such intense pain? How can you not think of a single memory that wasn't wracked with pain, anxiety or fear? How can you be such a dreamer when you know it'll never happen to you? That as strong as your willpower and determination is, it'll never be stronger than the physical limitations. If the first thirty years have been this painful, what do the next fifty hold? Will M.S. let me live to be 80? Will it get worse than this? What will the final stages be like?
It gets so hard to get on Facebook on days like today. Seeing people be grateful for getting over their broken arms, never realizing how much they took their health for granted. Reading it, knowing you'd do anything to get better like they do. Reading petty squabbles when you're not even sure how much longer you'll live. Everyone deals with their own demons, with their own pain. I don't say they are any less important than mine, they're not. It's just painful to be in this position. Painful to be hurting so much. Inside and outside. Dealing with demons those closest to you don't know about. Trying to take on everything yourself, for fear of being judged, rejected, hurt some more. For the fear of hurting those closest to you. The fear of letting people down. The fear of not being allowed to be sick. I 100% feel I do not have permission to be sick. I haven't given myself permission. None of my family members have given me permission. I feel like I've let everyone down. That by not performing my duties I've let them all down. I don't feel my husband gives me permission. I know he loves me, but I always feel he's waiting for me to get better, to help lighten the load. I don't feel like anyone has accepted or given me permission to hurt. I'm always asked to put on the smile, pretend nothing's wrong. Someone asked how I deteriorated so fast. The truth was, it wasn't fast at all. I kill myself to pretend nothing's wrong around family. There's no one who understands this. It takes me weeks of recovery from pretending I'm well. Everyone was shocked to finally learn that I've been bed-ridden. That I've needed so much assistance. I try to play well so hard. I get relieved when I catch the flu or a cold when family is around. That means I have a "real" excuse to feel unwell. That me being disabled is normal. Not one family member has seen the true extent of my illness. Not even my husband. I try so dam hard not to disappoint him. I try so hard to help more, to do more, to be more. It never gets me far and it leaves us both frustrated. It's SO hard to have a crippling disease. It may sound hard, but until you've actually experienced it, as me, with my past, current circumstances, you'll just never know. I wish you could know. I wish you could feel how much pain there is. It might help people understand me more. Stop expecting so much from me. Asking me to give what I cannot physically produce. I wish I could allow myself the same respect I demand. Permission to be sick. Permission to accept my physical and emotional limitations. Oh how I wish there was more acceptance. Until that day, this girl has been broken. The girl who stopped crying from any pain at 6 years old. The girl who felt crying was weakness has now found that crying is the only thing that keeps me from going over the edge. Letting the pain, the heat, the anger come in the form of tears. Although soaking my pillow every night is a bit excessive, it's all I have for now.
People get tired of hearing you complain. When you have the "flu" for a lot longer than three weeks, you're not allowed to complain anymore. I know it's hard to have the flu, I know it's hard to have a sprained ankle. It's hard to have a disease that progresses and can kill you. It's hard to take assisted showers. It's hard having four children that you cannot physically take care of. Ever. It's hard not being able to feed yourself. It's hard not being able to think about anything but the pain. It's hard knowing that being a dreamer is useless, you can never be like the dreamers. It's hard to know your family suffers because of you. It's hard to accept the fact that getting out of your bed is a good day. It's just hard. It's hard to look young, be young, and feel like I'm already dead. Most days you can handle it pretty well. Then there's day's like today, where you're only working on three hours of sleep. When you've only had one meal for the day, and then all your diseases hit you in the face. When life, once again, is being life, and it just becomes too much to handle. When you have to admit that you do have a deadly disease. That you are a disabled crippled, and cha, that pretty much sucks. When the physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional anguish ravaging your body. When pain that would bring most people down in instant tears is no longer your greatest pain. They say positive thoughts can heal everything. One, it does help, but doesn't stop anything, and two, if that's the case, I'm in big trouble. I'm not much of a positive person. I love life, I love to laugh, but I have a very sinister outlook on life. Most days I am better, but not days where it just catches up to you. My childhood could be a New York Times best seller. Think of anything evil that can happen to a child. Okay, welcome to my childhood. That child got thrust into adulthood completely unprepared to handle anything. Thrown into circumstances no less devastating than the childhood. Now coming up to my third decade I wonder what there is to life. How can you live so long and experience nothing but such intense pain? How can you not think of a single memory that wasn't wracked with pain, anxiety or fear? How can you be such a dreamer when you know it'll never happen to you? That as strong as your willpower and determination is, it'll never be stronger than the physical limitations. If the first thirty years have been this painful, what do the next fifty hold? Will M.S. let me live to be 80? Will it get worse than this? What will the final stages be like?
It gets so hard to get on Facebook on days like today. Seeing people be grateful for getting over their broken arms, never realizing how much they took their health for granted. Reading it, knowing you'd do anything to get better like they do. Reading petty squabbles when you're not even sure how much longer you'll live. Everyone deals with their own demons, with their own pain. I don't say they are any less important than mine, they're not. It's just painful to be in this position. Painful to be hurting so much. Inside and outside. Dealing with demons those closest to you don't know about. Trying to take on everything yourself, for fear of being judged, rejected, hurt some more. For the fear of hurting those closest to you. The fear of letting people down. The fear of not being allowed to be sick. I 100% feel I do not have permission to be sick. I haven't given myself permission. None of my family members have given me permission. I feel like I've let everyone down. That by not performing my duties I've let them all down. I don't feel my husband gives me permission. I know he loves me, but I always feel he's waiting for me to get better, to help lighten the load. I don't feel like anyone has accepted or given me permission to hurt. I'm always asked to put on the smile, pretend nothing's wrong. Someone asked how I deteriorated so fast. The truth was, it wasn't fast at all. I kill myself to pretend nothing's wrong around family. There's no one who understands this. It takes me weeks of recovery from pretending I'm well. Everyone was shocked to finally learn that I've been bed-ridden. That I've needed so much assistance. I try to play well so hard. I get relieved when I catch the flu or a cold when family is around. That means I have a "real" excuse to feel unwell. That me being disabled is normal. Not one family member has seen the true extent of my illness. Not even my husband. I try so dam hard not to disappoint him. I try so hard to help more, to do more, to be more. It never gets me far and it leaves us both frustrated. It's SO hard to have a crippling disease. It may sound hard, but until you've actually experienced it, as me, with my past, current circumstances, you'll just never know. I wish you could know. I wish you could feel how much pain there is. It might help people understand me more. Stop expecting so much from me. Asking me to give what I cannot physically produce. I wish I could allow myself the same respect I demand. Permission to be sick. Permission to accept my physical and emotional limitations. Oh how I wish there was more acceptance. Until that day, this girl has been broken. The girl who stopped crying from any pain at 6 years old. The girl who felt crying was weakness has now found that crying is the only thing that keeps me from going over the edge. Letting the pain, the heat, the anger come in the form of tears. Although soaking my pillow every night is a bit excessive, it's all I have for now.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Suga, suga.
One word: sugar. Sugar, sugar, sugar. I am going to tell you yet another dirty secret about me. I am addicted to sugar. When I say this, I want you to understand what this means. When you think of an addict, you think of drugs or alcohol. I want you to know that I have been addicted to very, very strong drugs. I have been prescribed very strong stuff in the past. Pain killers and Meth? No problem. I could get off those easily, and I did. A few times. Sugar? This is the hardest drug I have ever tried to get off of, hands down. You know how addicting Meth and pain killers are. I've been prescribed both in the past, and have found it easier to get off those than I can sugar. I am an all or nothing kind of person, and I have a very addictive personality. I will either stop something cold turkey, or I won't do it at all, I'll continue on the way I've been. I have been trying to quit sugar for years. I know this may sound funny, it's just food, it's not like it's Heroin or something. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, dead wrong. If you know anything about me by now, you know that I research the bejebbers out of everything. That's right, sugar, too. Did you know that sugar has the exact same neurological effects on the brain that all addicting drugs do? That's right, studies have PROVEN that sugar has the same response to the brain. Sugar releases endorphin's. Endorphin's are opiate's. Ever heard of the word? Right, in drugs. Opiates are in pain killers. The reason people become addicted to opiates is because they feel good. Endorphin's, aka opiates, are responsible for the feel good hormones. Why does an orgasm feel so good? Opiates. Why do pain killers feel so good? Opiates. Why does chocolate feel so good? Opiates. Opiates/endorphin's, are the hormones responsible for relieving pain and create the feeling of euphoria. Sounds awesome, right? Yes, that's why people get addicted to opiates. Did you know that sugar releases endorphin's? Mmmm, we're on to something here. When I say I am addicted to sugar, I say this in all seriousness; I am addicted to a strong drug. Sugar is such a big deal, there's been talk about regulating it, like alcohol and tobacco. I know you're still probably thinking, "it's JUST sugar!" And weed is just a plant. :) Alcohol is just a grain. I know, right? Exactly. Excessive quantities of anything is extremely toxic to the human body. Yes, even if it is natural. Sugar robs you of essential vitamins, and is the main cause of many, many diseases. Sugar, when it was first discovered, WAS used as a drug. Sugar cane was not even used for sugar. It was highly sought after for it's opiate side effects. Do your research on sugar. Understand that it's a proven drug. Understand it's extremely toxic for your body. Understand all the side effects sugar causes. Once you understand, and have a deep understanding of sugar, you will understand how dead serious I am when I say I'm addicted to sugar, and how bad this is for me.
I told you before Fibromyalgia ruined my life I was working for a chiropractor. He recently suggested we try a yeast free diet. Yeast, as you know, eats sugar. Yeast, as you know, shouldn't be in our bodies. Yeast is extremely toxic for our bodies. I've been hearing of the yeast free diet for years. It's just common sense. We all have fungus inside of us. We need good bacteria in order to function. Well, what happens when you feed sugar to yeast? It's not rocket science, seriously, make bread, whatever, go feed yeast sugar. Ahhh, the yeast grows. 'Cause what? Yay! That's right, yeast eats sugar. If it's happening in your kitchen, why wouldn't it be happening in your body? So many people are just filled with yeast, myself included. I knew this would make everything better, but hello, addicted to sugar. I heard about this diet as early as ten years ago. It didn't apply to me, though, 'cause sugar's good. :) That would mean giving up sugar, something I wasn't ready for. I did try giving up sugar about a year ago. It's like any addict. I tried. It lasted about 6 hours. I was so desperately craving my drug, I ran out and bout $65 worth of sugar from the bakery. Physically, mentally, psychologically, I was no different than a Meth addict. I felt the physical withdrawal from sugar so strong, I was out looking for my next hit. I would have committed murder for sugar, dead serious. It was lucky, or unlucky, really, that sugar wasn't a controlled substance. I would have stopped at nothing to have it. Many people have suggested that maybe my pain and Fibromyalgia were caused by a yeast overgrowth and sugar. I can assure you, while I know it's made everything worse, it was not the cause. Just four years ago, I was a completely different person. My severe sugar addiction didn't start until only a couple of years ago. I've had Fibromyalgia for far longer than that. Before this sugar addiction, I was a health nut, no joke. It's amazing how night and day the difference is. All through high school and up until just a few years ago, I wanted to be a nutritionist. I worked out, at the least, an hour a day, and ate like a rabbit. Small portions, and very, very green. Insert Fibromyalgia. Fibro's what caused my sugar addiction. I was looking for anything that would give me more energy, make me feel better. Of course we know bad eating won't give you energy, but try telling that to the sick lady with four kids 5 and under. I did what I had to in order to survive. I don't need to survive anymore. Now, I need to thrive. My baby will be two this year, school's over. No more making babies or going to school. Things are starting to get better. It only makes sense that we come out of survival mode and enter thrival mode. So enter thival mode we did. My husband finally put me on the yeast free diet. I am finally to the point where my health is so bad, I am bed ridden. I can't cook, I can't clean, the days I can take a shower are a big accomplishment. The days I take a shower unassisted are an even bigger accomplishment. Do I think a diet can cure M.S., or Fibromyalgia? No. Do I think it can make a helluva difference? Yes. We knew that my sugar addiction would be very, very hard. We knew what we were up against. I couldn't go a day without sugar, we knew we were in for it. We bought mini-sized Butterfingers, knowing we'd have to slowly wean this thing. Sure enough, day one, although I ate ten times better than I normally do, I have to have some sugar. The physical withdrawal was WORSE than the physical withdrawal of Meth for me. Very severe, very real. I only had two Butterfingers, which for me was a really big deal. I woke up the next day feeling like I hadn't felt in years. I felt good! I couldn't believe it. One day. I had so much more energy, I was laughing again. If you knew me, you'd know this was a big deal. I don't laugh. Not ever. My pain is so high, there is nothing funny in this world. I was laughing! I stayed up until 3 in the morning, laughing and talking to my husband. It was like it was the old me again. I loved it! We couldn't believe the difference. My pain levels went down at least 95%, which was the biggest shocker of my life. I'd rather give birth for the rest of my life than deal with the pain I deal with. I woke up without a migraine, first time in years, AND I jumped out of bed. I haven't jumped out of bed since I was 6. What a ridiculous change. With most people, my mom and husband included, it's normal to feel flu like the first few weeks. Your body's releasing so many toxins into your bloodstream, of course you're going to feel worse before you feel better. That's why everyone was so shocked that after only one day I felt like I could take on the world. Only having that much sugar was killing me, though. Yes, I felt good in that aspect, but I wanted to kill my husband from the lack of sugar. I was mean. Most addict's are incredibly mean when they're weaning. One, we want it, but two, it's a VERY physical thing. Anyone's gonna get nasty. I was nicer giving birth than I am getting off of sugar. So day two, still wanna kill the husband, but I'm feeling so much better. Woke up for the second day in a row for the first time in years without a migraine. That's an awesome way to start the day. Doing okay, needed a little fix, so I had a couple of Butterfingers again. Okay, still weaning off, still feeling better. Come nightfall. Oh, mercy. You know I can't play X-Box, do Netflix or even play a freaking computer game without my munchies. Bad, bad Rachelle. What do I do? Like any addict who's living with someone who's making them accountable, I sneak. Yes, I'm dead serious. The addiction is so strong, I knew I just couldn't do it any longer. I ate a whole lot more than two Butterfingers. I slipped behind my husband's back, put my dirty deed in my jacket, went back to playing my computer game. I sure hoped like heck that my husband couldn't hear my crunching. I tried everything to mask it. It was sneaky, and I felt horrible doing it. I knew he was making me quit sugar because he loved me. Here I was sneaking behind his back, and I felt so guilty. Once we were going to bed, laughing our heads off, I told him what I had done. We laughed about it, 'cause really, it's kind of funny, and ridiculously stupid. It was funny last night. It was anything but funny this morning. No one was laughing when I woke up VERY late. I hate to sleep in from extreme exhaustion. I really didn't find it funny when I woke up with the ever present migraine. I had to lay in bed for half an hour before even attempting to get up. My body was killing me. All the pain back. The migraine, plus joint and muscle pain. There it was, back in its full glory. After two days of waking up migraine and mostly pain free, imagine what a shock it was. I've had diarrhea all day. I know you didn't want to know that, but I want you to know how severe this really is. I have IBS, that's common in Fibro. The last two days, nothing. IBS pain free. Wake up today, non-stop crapping, cramping and extreme nausea. I'm sweating like crazy, I'm dizzy, light-headed, and in so much pain. Was sugar worth it? Oh heyell no. As much as this sucks, I am so grateful for the experience though. What an eye opener. To feel that good for two days, then to feel like this again? There is no food, no drug, that is worth feeling like this. This is the turning point that many addicts have to come to before they can quit. The realization of how much they're hurting themselves. That was today. Here I am, bed-ridden again, except for the times I need to run to the bathroom. This is not worth it. Sugar is not worth it. I am worth it. My health is worth it. My life is worth it. My family is worth it. My family wants their wife and mom back. I am so ready to give it to them. I don't know the full extent of this diet, or what's going to happen, but if I can at least have two more days like the last two I've had, I'll do everything in my power to do it. It's 8:00 at night. Completely 100% sugar free for the day, and so proud of myself. No, it hasn't been easy. No, it doesn't mean I'm in the clear. It means I'm handling this day, this hour, this moment. I'm making a better me for the moment, and bless my Jewish, Italian genes, I am one incredibly stubborn woman. I won't go down without a fight. Bring it on, Sugar.
I seriously challenge you to do your research, Google "yeast free diet." If you're serious about making changes, big or small, I promise you you won't regret it.
I told you before Fibromyalgia ruined my life I was working for a chiropractor. He recently suggested we try a yeast free diet. Yeast, as you know, eats sugar. Yeast, as you know, shouldn't be in our bodies. Yeast is extremely toxic for our bodies. I've been hearing of the yeast free diet for years. It's just common sense. We all have fungus inside of us. We need good bacteria in order to function. Well, what happens when you feed sugar to yeast? It's not rocket science, seriously, make bread, whatever, go feed yeast sugar. Ahhh, the yeast grows. 'Cause what? Yay! That's right, yeast eats sugar. If it's happening in your kitchen, why wouldn't it be happening in your body? So many people are just filled with yeast, myself included. I knew this would make everything better, but hello, addicted to sugar. I heard about this diet as early as ten years ago. It didn't apply to me, though, 'cause sugar's good. :) That would mean giving up sugar, something I wasn't ready for. I did try giving up sugar about a year ago. It's like any addict. I tried. It lasted about 6 hours. I was so desperately craving my drug, I ran out and bout $65 worth of sugar from the bakery. Physically, mentally, psychologically, I was no different than a Meth addict. I felt the physical withdrawal from sugar so strong, I was out looking for my next hit. I would have committed murder for sugar, dead serious. It was lucky, or unlucky, really, that sugar wasn't a controlled substance. I would have stopped at nothing to have it. Many people have suggested that maybe my pain and Fibromyalgia were caused by a yeast overgrowth and sugar. I can assure you, while I know it's made everything worse, it was not the cause. Just four years ago, I was a completely different person. My severe sugar addiction didn't start until only a couple of years ago. I've had Fibromyalgia for far longer than that. Before this sugar addiction, I was a health nut, no joke. It's amazing how night and day the difference is. All through high school and up until just a few years ago, I wanted to be a nutritionist. I worked out, at the least, an hour a day, and ate like a rabbit. Small portions, and very, very green. Insert Fibromyalgia. Fibro's what caused my sugar addiction. I was looking for anything that would give me more energy, make me feel better. Of course we know bad eating won't give you energy, but try telling that to the sick lady with four kids 5 and under. I did what I had to in order to survive. I don't need to survive anymore. Now, I need to thrive. My baby will be two this year, school's over. No more making babies or going to school. Things are starting to get better. It only makes sense that we come out of survival mode and enter thrival mode. So enter thival mode we did. My husband finally put me on the yeast free diet. I am finally to the point where my health is so bad, I am bed ridden. I can't cook, I can't clean, the days I can take a shower are a big accomplishment. The days I take a shower unassisted are an even bigger accomplishment. Do I think a diet can cure M.S., or Fibromyalgia? No. Do I think it can make a helluva difference? Yes. We knew that my sugar addiction would be very, very hard. We knew what we were up against. I couldn't go a day without sugar, we knew we were in for it. We bought mini-sized Butterfingers, knowing we'd have to slowly wean this thing. Sure enough, day one, although I ate ten times better than I normally do, I have to have some sugar. The physical withdrawal was WORSE than the physical withdrawal of Meth for me. Very severe, very real. I only had two Butterfingers, which for me was a really big deal. I woke up the next day feeling like I hadn't felt in years. I felt good! I couldn't believe it. One day. I had so much more energy, I was laughing again. If you knew me, you'd know this was a big deal. I don't laugh. Not ever. My pain is so high, there is nothing funny in this world. I was laughing! I stayed up until 3 in the morning, laughing and talking to my husband. It was like it was the old me again. I loved it! We couldn't believe the difference. My pain levels went down at least 95%, which was the biggest shocker of my life. I'd rather give birth for the rest of my life than deal with the pain I deal with. I woke up without a migraine, first time in years, AND I jumped out of bed. I haven't jumped out of bed since I was 6. What a ridiculous change. With most people, my mom and husband included, it's normal to feel flu like the first few weeks. Your body's releasing so many toxins into your bloodstream, of course you're going to feel worse before you feel better. That's why everyone was so shocked that after only one day I felt like I could take on the world. Only having that much sugar was killing me, though. Yes, I felt good in that aspect, but I wanted to kill my husband from the lack of sugar. I was mean. Most addict's are incredibly mean when they're weaning. One, we want it, but two, it's a VERY physical thing. Anyone's gonna get nasty. I was nicer giving birth than I am getting off of sugar. So day two, still wanna kill the husband, but I'm feeling so much better. Woke up for the second day in a row for the first time in years without a migraine. That's an awesome way to start the day. Doing okay, needed a little fix, so I had a couple of Butterfingers again. Okay, still weaning off, still feeling better. Come nightfall. Oh, mercy. You know I can't play X-Box, do Netflix or even play a freaking computer game without my munchies. Bad, bad Rachelle. What do I do? Like any addict who's living with someone who's making them accountable, I sneak. Yes, I'm dead serious. The addiction is so strong, I knew I just couldn't do it any longer. I ate a whole lot more than two Butterfingers. I slipped behind my husband's back, put my dirty deed in my jacket, went back to playing my computer game. I sure hoped like heck that my husband couldn't hear my crunching. I tried everything to mask it. It was sneaky, and I felt horrible doing it. I knew he was making me quit sugar because he loved me. Here I was sneaking behind his back, and I felt so guilty. Once we were going to bed, laughing our heads off, I told him what I had done. We laughed about it, 'cause really, it's kind of funny, and ridiculously stupid. It was funny last night. It was anything but funny this morning. No one was laughing when I woke up VERY late. I hate to sleep in from extreme exhaustion. I really didn't find it funny when I woke up with the ever present migraine. I had to lay in bed for half an hour before even attempting to get up. My body was killing me. All the pain back. The migraine, plus joint and muscle pain. There it was, back in its full glory. After two days of waking up migraine and mostly pain free, imagine what a shock it was. I've had diarrhea all day. I know you didn't want to know that, but I want you to know how severe this really is. I have IBS, that's common in Fibro. The last two days, nothing. IBS pain free. Wake up today, non-stop crapping, cramping and extreme nausea. I'm sweating like crazy, I'm dizzy, light-headed, and in so much pain. Was sugar worth it? Oh heyell no. As much as this sucks, I am so grateful for the experience though. What an eye opener. To feel that good for two days, then to feel like this again? There is no food, no drug, that is worth feeling like this. This is the turning point that many addicts have to come to before they can quit. The realization of how much they're hurting themselves. That was today. Here I am, bed-ridden again, except for the times I need to run to the bathroom. This is not worth it. Sugar is not worth it. I am worth it. My health is worth it. My life is worth it. My family is worth it. My family wants their wife and mom back. I am so ready to give it to them. I don't know the full extent of this diet, or what's going to happen, but if I can at least have two more days like the last two I've had, I'll do everything in my power to do it. It's 8:00 at night. Completely 100% sugar free for the day, and so proud of myself. No, it hasn't been easy. No, it doesn't mean I'm in the clear. It means I'm handling this day, this hour, this moment. I'm making a better me for the moment, and bless my Jewish, Italian genes, I am one incredibly stubborn woman. I won't go down without a fight. Bring it on, Sugar.
I seriously challenge you to do your research, Google "yeast free diet." If you're serious about making changes, big or small, I promise you you won't regret it.
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