Finding the strength.

Well, the hubby got a fantastic job.  He got a bachelor's in business management, with an emphasis in supply chain, and will get to use the supply part with this new job.  He's pretty excited.  So am I.  We were in school for four and a half years, suffered with my health, having four kids, and no money to take care of them with.  It's great.  Fantastic.  Awesome pay, great benefits, amazing everything.  We're moving back to Idaho, which is a dream come true for both of us.  Great, great things.  So why do I feel like crap?  I am terrified.  I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia after my third child, and Multiple Sclerosis after my fourth.  My husband was in school and his schedule was very flexible.  He was always there to help me when I needed him, which was all the time.  He graduated a year ago and was working for a boss who was a personal friend.  Hours were sparse so he could take care of me and the kids.  Now he's working for a huge corporation.  He's the boss.  He's got tons of people under him.  Huge responsibilities.  Work will be his main focus now.  That scares the living poop out of me.  Since my diagnosis of M.S., I have relied so heavily on him.  I mean, the guy's been washing my hair.  I can't cook for myself.  He's done EVERYTHING for me these last two years.  My two year old prefers his daddy to his mamma.  He's been dad, mom, cook, maid, chauffeur, ('cause I also can't drive anymore) teacher, (we home school) and he takes care of a disabled person, no easy feat.  He's taken on so many roles.  All the roles.  All I had to do was not kill myself from pain.  Now everything is up to me.  His first day he flew to Denver for orientation.  It was an overnight trip and he left me with a cold, and four sick children.  We've also been babysitting a new baby for extra money.  Very first day on the job and I'm sick with five small children, also sick.  Ages seven, five, four, two and five months old.  Um, yeah, it was hard.  Now I only have the rest of my life to do this...  I have no idea how I'm going to do this.  God has a very funny sense of humor.  I'm thinking I either shouldn't have had four kids, or I shouldn't have developed so many diseases.  How in the world will I raise these kids?  I can barely get off the couch, and if you have kids, you know it's the most demanding job in the entire world.  They ALWAYS need something.  They're always hungry.  They're always fighting.  Day two into this and I'm so tired I think the fatigue alone will kill me.  We won't even talk about the pain... No, yeah, let's talk about the pain.  It hurts like a mother.  I can't believe the human body can physically endure pain like this.  And do I know pain.  I have given birth four times.  No one took me seriously when I was in labor because I was handling the pain so well.  I have passed kidney stones without even knowing I did until later, and was told that's what was going on.  I've had my shoulder muscle ripped from my skull, shoulder blade and back, and went months not knowing what had happened.  I've recovered from two excruciatingly painful surgeries, been in painful car accidents, and have an all over pain coursing through my body, Fibromyalgia.  I thought Fibromyalgia was awful.  Then I got M.S.  My pain multiplied ten fold, no joke.  I was working with Fibromyalgia.  I was an office manager, running a chiropractor's office.  I was running my own business as a makeup artist on the side.  I was putting my husband through full time school AND I was raising three kids who were all born within three years.  I was a juggling act with Fibromyalgia.  It was hard, but I was doing it well.  Cue M.S.!  My life goes to hell and I have no idea why.  Everything changed, literally over night.  I became depressed, seriously anxious, dealing with crippling pain.  I had to quit my job, my husband had no idea who I had become, my kids lost their happy, loving mother.  I was diagnosed with M.S. about nine months later.  It made sense, but it really sucked.  Life has never been the same.  My type A personality has been reduced to a helpless cripple.  Ooooh, that bugs me.  I am a take control, run it all, do it all, have it all, type of person.  This is not me.  It was so hard learning to depend on my husband.  There was so much guilt, anger, and frustration.  Two years later, I've come to rely on him.  Now I have no idea what to do.  Add Hypothyroidism just a few months ago, and now I really feel like a wreck.  I am so anxious all the time.  I am scared all the time.  I live in constant fear.  My kids, even now, need something, and I am in so much pain I can barely move.  My teeth and gums ache.  I mean, it is everywhere.  My hair hurts.  I had to beg my doctor to put me on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety.  They're kinda crazy when it comes to prescribing things.  "Well, these are highly addictive and we don't just give them to anyone...."  Yeah, I know, but I shouldn't have to prove how sick I am to you.  Pain killers?  Are you kidding?  You'd think with Fibromyalgia and M.S. doctors would get that and have no problem prescribing something for pain.  Oh, guess again.  You still have to prove you're not some addicted junkie.  Yes, you do get addicted to them.  That's what pain killers do.  It doesn't make you a junkie or an addict.  It means you're someone who's suffering and NEEDS them.  It's a shame people abuse medicine that you so desperately need.  It makes it that much harder.  So I'm not on any pain medication.  I'm not on anything but a lousy anti-depressant which my doctor is hoping will help with the anxiety I get from the pain.  This just in: NO!  Not working, doc!  It's hard to live.  I don't know if you know or not, but I was diagnosed with a terminal type of M.S.  I am progressively getting worse every day and it will eventually cut my life.  I was told to expect no later than 35.  There are days I'm just like, "C'mon, 35!"  I know that sounds horrible, but I wish I could show you what I feel.  I don't have a desire to die.  Not at all.  I love life.  Love it.  My family is the most amazing thing in the entire world.  I love them more than life itself.  The thought of missing out on their lives is killing me.  The thought of leaving my husband is killing me.  But the pain is so unbearable, I just want peace.  If you've dealt with pain this bad, you know what I mean.  Childbirth is so painful, women often scream during labor, "just let me die!  I can't do this!  I just want this to end."  So it is for me.  One day at a time.  What will be will be.  I pray every hour on the hour that I can make it through that one hour.  I can't even look to the next day.  "Lord, let me make it through this hour, I beg of you."

Let's just make it through this hour.