Star Trek convention in Las Vegas.

This is going to be totally random, so forgive me.  Here's the shi$ttiest thing about being sick and poor; being five hours away from the Star Trek convention, and you're too poor and sick to go.  I know, weird, right?  I'm makeup artist who's super girly, and blogs about her many diseases.  Little did you know my dark secret.  Biggest.  Trekkie.  Ever.  Period.  Looking at the pictures on Facebook are killing me!  They've already posted a lot of the "people I MUST sleep with before I die," pictures.  Yes, most of the people I gotta tap before I die are Star Trek characters.  I don't have a life, don't judge.... ;)

Me, today.  Watchin' freakin' Star Trek.

Me, as I should have been this weekend.  A blue freakin' Andorian.  Minus the feelers.  And clothes.

So until next time, Alexander Siddig.  We'll make our freak Arabic, (from you, naturally) Jewish (from me, obviously, have you seen my shnoz?) baby at a later date.

Until diseases and bank account say otherwise, and hoping M.S. doesn't kill me before I'm thirty five like it's supposed to, I do believe it's time for another round of Voyager.  Mmmm, Mexican-Native American/Jewish baby?  "Oh, Chakotay!"

Netflix Day!!!!

Netflix Day- Day spent in bed watching Netflix due to high levels of yuck.

Today is Netflix Day.  Officially and unofficially.

Found out today that I have Hypothyroidism.  My mom has it and my brother has it.  I figured I'd get here soon, too.  It's not uncommon to get more than one autoimmune disease when you already have one.  If your body's already attacking one system, why not another?  I wasn't surprised I had Hypothyroidism.  I was pissed, but not surprised.  So, one more disease to add to my list of diseases and conditions.

I've always struggled with my weight.  I have to work my arse off not weigh five hundred pounds.  And I do work my arse off.  That's why I knew something was up when diet and exercise weren't doing it.

I hardly eat.  Ever.  I eat about one meal a day.  When I do eat, it's very healthy.  I don't eat one meal a day on purpose.  I get nauseated, and honestly, I don't get hungry that often.  I eat when I'm hungry, don't eat when I'm not.  Simple as that.  I work out hard.  I do intense work outs.  How can someone who works out hard and eats very healthy gain six pounds in a week and a half?  Hypothyroidism.  It wasn't a mystery at all. With it so rampant in my family, that was my first thought.  It had to be.  Turns out I was right.  Boo for being right.

They test my husband at every Type one Diabetes check up he has, because once you have one auto-immune disease, it's easy to get others.  Since I have M.S., I used to always joke that I would get Hypothyroidism next.  Not a funny joke.  Well it is, but not really.  From now I on, only jokes about being filthy rich.

I woke up a little off.  Thank you multiple diseases ravaging my body.  This is not unusual, but finding out I have one more disease to add to the, what is it now, six diseases and conditions I'm rocking list, it was a bit of a put out.  I am soooo fatigued today.  I can't explain it.  Just super fatigued, and off.  There's no other way of saying it.  Tired, tired, fatigued, always in pain, and off.  Yeah, off.  So today is a Netflix day.  Gonna just put diseases and their symptoms away here for a second, and seriously distract myself.

Walking Dead, anyone?

Me, having my Netflix Day.

It really doesn't sound that bad.

My husband was the first out of the two of us to get an auto-immune disease.  As I was new to experiencing his Type 1 Diabetes, I read up on it as much as I could.  It didn't sound that bad.  At all.  Experiencing it, though?  Totally different story.  Losing vision to low blood sugars.  Collapsing, fainting, black outs.  Anger with high blood sugars.  Severe emotions on either side.  Fatigue, headaches, shakiness, the numbing of extremities, muscle fatigue, shortness of breath, mental confusion.  These are not all, but some of the side effects of my husband's diabetes.  He had a stroke at the tender age of seventeen, and a heart attack at twenty six.  Reading something and experiencing them are two totally different things.  I have hypoglycemia, so I can, in a sense, understand a bit of what my hubby goes through.  I can never truly understand what living with Type 1 Diabetes is like, though.

The hubby and I.  Rockin' our auto-immune diseases.  It's what the cool kids are doing these days.

I read about M.S., and I'm like, "huh, why don't they make it sound as bad as it is?  That doesn't sound bad at all."  Overall pain?  No, throbbing, stabbing, numbness.  Fatigue so severe you can't even move.  The worst sorts of migraines, backaches, knee aches, um, everything aches.  Memory so bad, you forget the conversation you're having at the moment.  Pain from typing on yo dang bloggy blog.  My fingers hurt.  Serious stomach cramps.  All zee time.  I never get a break.  Reading about it sounds so much more pleasant than the reality of it.  True story.  

    

"And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air."

The fourth of July is without a doubt my favorite holiday.  First of all all, it's warm, you got parades, you're barbecuing, there's fireworks, and most of all, I am a history buff.  There isn't a better holiday when you're a nerd.  It's my country's holiday.  My country that I love so dearly.  I am a huuuuge patriot.  I live and die for this country.  There isn't anything I wouldn't do for her.  But the history alone.  America fought for its freedom to be an independent country, free from England.  On this day in 1776, 50,000 men were killed or wounded so far in the fight for my country.  Even as a child, and a thought I continue to this day, I close my eyes during the fourth of July fireworks and listen to "the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air."  Fireworks are so much fun, it's a time honored tradition.  But more than their beauty, they're a reminder of the fighting.  A reminder of what it took for our country to be what it is today.  Close your eyes as you enjoy your fireworks tonight, even for just a moment.  As you're surrounded by the sound of "gunshots," imagine the sacrifice and courage it must have taken for these brave men who gave their lives so that we may enjoy what we have today.  I can sense it as I smell the smoke, hear the "bombs," feel the warm breeze across my face.  I can almost feel the sense of fear, adrenaline, and pride, willing to die for a country I believe in.

"The hour is fast approaching, on which the Honor and Success of this army, and the safety of our bleeding Country depend. Remember officers and Soldiers, that you are free men, fighting for the blessings of Liberty -- that slavery will be your portion, and that of your posterity, if you do not acquit yourselves like men." -- George Washington, 1776

You're just dumb, but maybe I should have done a better job on my end.

Maybe you judge M.S. because you don't know what it is.  Yes, it's very hurtful when you judge me, especially when you have no idea what you're even talking about, but maybe I should have explained it better?  I still think you're just a judgmental little bit#ch with nothing nice to say, but hey, here I go again.  I'll try to clear my name.

I have been told twice in the last couple of weeks, by two separate family members, that it's all in my head, and that I'm choosing to be lazy.  These come from family members who are convinced they're God's gift to the world.  They're so far up their own asses, they can't even imagine someone else is suffering.  Do I sound sound pissed?  :)  I guess I could be, he he.  It's to these two family members that I write this for.  For these two family member I know will never read this.  Eh, makes me feel better anyways.

Okay, I'm just gonna copy and paste this information from Wikipedia.  Here is what M.S. is:

Multiple Sclerosis (MS), also known as disseminated sclerosis or encephalomyelitis disseminata, is a inflammatory disease in which myelin sheaths around axons of the brain and spinal cord are damaged, leading to loss of myelin and scarring.  The cause is not clear but the underlying mechanism is thought to be either destruction by the immune system of failure of the myelin-producing cells.  These changes affect the ability of nerve cells to communicate resulting in a wide range of sings and symptoms.  It is more common in women and the onset typically occurs in young adults.

Almost any neurological symptom can occur with the disease and often progresses to physical and mental difficulties.  Psychiatric symptoms may also develop.  MS takes several forms, with new symptoms occurring either in discrete attacks (relapsing forms) or accumulating over time (progressive forms).  Between attacks, symptoms may go away completely, but permanent neurological problems often occur, especially as the disease advances.

There is no known cure for Multiple Sclerosis.

Okay, so that's what it is.  What are the symptoms?  Let's ask MedilinePlus.com this time.

Fever, hot baths, sun exposure, and stress can trigger or worsen attacks.

It is common for the disease to return (relapse).  However, the disease may continue to get worse without periods of remission.

Because nerves in any part of the brain of spinal cord may be damaged, patients with multiple sclerosis can have symptoms in many parts of the body.

Muscle symptoms:

Loss of balance
Muscle spasms
Numbness or abnormal sensation in any area
Problems moving arms or legs
Problems walking
Problems with coordination and making small movements
Tremor in one or more arms or legs
Weakness in one of more arms or legs

Bowel and bladder symptoms:

Constipation
Difficulty beginning to urinate
Frequent need to urinate
Strong urge to urinate
Urine leakage (incontinence)

Eye symptoms:

Double vision
Eye discomfort
Uncontrollable rapid eye movements
Vision loss (usually affects one eye at a time)

Numbness, tingling, or pain:

Facial pain
Painful muscle spasms
Tingling, crawling, or burning feelings in the arms and legs

Other brain and nerve symptoms:

Decreases attention span, poor judgment, and memory loss
Difficulty reasoning and solving problems
Depression or feelings of sadness
Dizziness and balance problems
Hearing loss

Sexual problems:

Problems with erections
Problems with vaginal lubrication

Speech and swallowing symptoms:

Slurred or difficult-to-understand speech
Trouble chewing and swallowing

Fatigue is a common and bothersome symptom as MS progresses.  It is often worse in the late afternoon.

Doesn't that sound awesome?  These aren't even all the symptoms.  These are just the most common.  This is just M.S., too.  Fibromyalgia adds a whole entire set of its own crap.

Something else people don't know, is that there are four types of M.S.  You may hear of someone who's living just fine with M.S., then you hear stories of people who die of M.S.  How does that work?  The four types of M.S.  Like cancer, and many diseases, There is no carbon copy of the disease.  Everyone will experience it differently.  You can totally live a wonderful, fulfilling life with M.S.  IF you get the right type of M.S.  If you're one of the unlucky ones, you'll die.  I am one of the unlucky ones.  M.S. is only deadly when you experience a flare.  With most people, M.S. will come and go in flares.  You will have a flare up, then you go into remission.  Back and forth through this cycle.  M.S. does damage on your body when you have a flare up.  Medication will prevent flare ups.  No flare ups, no progression of the disease.  If you have the deadly kind, there is no medication that can prevent it, and unlike the other M.S.'ers, your flare ups never go away.  There is no remission period.  This is why you die.  The constant damage of M.S. will shut your body down fast.  If you're diagnosed with the bad one, your average life expectancy is ten years from diagnosis.  I got M.S. at 25.  That will put me at 35.

PLEASE don't tell  me you know someone with M.S. who lives a good life.  Please don't tell someone who has cancer that if their neighbor could over come it, they can, too.  People die of cancer, people die of M.S. Not everyone is one of the lucky ones.  I don't wanna sound like, "I'm one of the ones that will die, pity me." It's not like that.  Not at all.  I just want you to understand the severity of my specific case.  I want you to stop saying stuff like, "everything is mental.  You just need to break the mental barriers down."  Or, "I wish I could lay in bed all day."  It's rude.  It's very hurtful.  Being sick does not make you lazy.  Dying of cancer or M.S. doesn't mean you have mental barriers to get over.  It's physical.  Say it with me, "PHYSICAL!!!!"  Not mental.  How can you will yourself better of an auto-immune disease?  No one says that to Type One Diabetics.  They are auto-immune brothers, but no one tells them to mentally will their blood sugars to a normal level.  So I just don't get it.  Why is M.S. different?  Why?  I try, and I try, but I just don't get it.  I'm sorry if you're lazy and wish you could sleep in later.  I wish I could get up early and live the normal life you live.  I'm sorry your life is so incomplete that you wanna pick on a dying cripple.  That makes you one sick fu^&.  Sorry, but it's true.

Did you know stress makes Fibromyalgia and M.S. even worse?  Did you know you're stressing the hell out of me with your insensitive comments?  I make it pretty obvious, so I'm sure you do.  As# wipe....

Anywho, yay for writing, boo for M.S.  I am so worn out from writing this, I don't even know how to close it.  I need to go eat and lay down now.  So we'll end it with stop being judgmental, you could be killing someone.  I'm not harming, hell, even affecting you in ANY way.  Why is it any of your dam business?  Oh yeah, it's not!  Go do something with your pitiful life.  I'm gonna go lay down now.

I'm so very anti the anti princess movement.

Didn't you know?  Princesses can't be presidents!  That's pretty anti feminist.  Last I checked, a girl can be whatever she wants... even a princess....

We all know someone like this.  Someone who bashes Disney's princesses.  I know a few, and frankly, I think they're dumb.  Their arguments?  "It's giving young girls unrealistic ideas about love and life."  "Disney's saying all you have to do is be pretty and you'll land a rich husband, and you'll live happily ever after."  Wow.  Bitter, much?  Here's the lame reasons I hear about how Disney princesses are brainwashing girls today.

Snow White.  The very first Disney princess.  Let's see, she had a narcissistic step mother who was trying to murder her.  Snow White was a servant who worked her as$ off.  All her life, AFTER losing a father she loved dearly.  She runs away, then has to take care of seven mentally challenged men.  Sounds like the good life, right?  No, she wasn't pretty, and her voice is bone chillingly shrill.  Then she marries a good guy.  The end.  What did you get from that?  It's unrealistic?  That a step mom is trying to have her daughter killed?  He he.  So she marries a prince.  She doesn't deserve a prince after all that?  What's more unrealistic?  A woman staying sane with seven men, or the fact that she marries a prince?  I dunno, people focus an awful lot on the prince part.  The lady endures hell, and she can still stay positive during it all.  That's what I got from it.

These people also can't get over the fact that Disney princesses were (a lot of them) sixteen years old.  None older than twenty one.  "What is Disney trying to promote here?  Child brides?"  You're just a stupid head.  Let's get one thing straight.  These are fairy tales.  Fairy tales Disney did not write.  Most are hundreds of years old.  It's common knowledge that women were married off in earlier times when they began menstruating.  I started my period at eleven years old.  Once you were a "woman," you were married off.  So all these medieval stories of sixteen year old girls getting married?  Sounds historically accurate to me.

Unrealistic idea of love?  Um, the first Disney princess movie, Snow White, was released in 1937.  Until recently, divorce was unheard of.  People who married during this time had/have long lasting marriages. You don't hear of a lot of baby boomers complaining about unrealistic marital expectations based off of a Disney movie they saw.  Ya just don't.  People today wanna blame Disney, though.  Is it Disney, or watching stupid tv shows like Jersey Shore?  Desperate House Wives?  Yeah, I can see how those could be misleading.  Disney?  Really? The number one reason marriages fail today is over financial stresses.  Even in the top ten reason marriages fail, I didn't see "had unrealistic ideas about marriage due to Disney movies."  If your marriage sucks, if you're unhappy, that's your fault, not Disney's.  Take responsibility.  No one is responsible for your failures.  You are.  Own up to it.

It's degrading to women.  Feminists are so funny.  If you're not doing a man's job, it's degrading towards women.  Dreaming about falling in love, wanting to be loved by another human being, overcoming obstacles is soooo degrading towards women.  "No, it's not that at all.  It's that all these princesses do is wait to be saved by a man.  They're not even doing anything for themselves."  Let's look at every scenario here.  Who did that?  None of them.  No one was waiting to "be saved by a man."  Being abused and hoping for a better life, wanting to be loved, not abused, makes you waiting to be saved by a man?  Don't we all do that?  When life sucks, don't we all dream of a better life?  That's not Disney princesses, that's life.  Pretty realistic to me.

All it's focusing on is pretty girls, like all their value lies in being pretty.  "The message they're sending here, is 'all you need is to be pretty, then you too can have all this.'"  Eh heh.  Okay, let's do a little test here.
Which bouquet of flowers would you rather have?

These?

   

Or these?

Which baby is prettier?

This one?

Or this one?

Which would you prefer in your living room?

Pretty, right?

Or this?  This one's a little better.

This may come as a shock, but human beings are aesthetically swayed.  Flowers, babies, furniture?  We're gonna go with the prettier choice.  Makeup has been around for thousands of years.  Beauty, in all things, is pleasing.  I don't enjoy dead, ugly flowers.  I enjoy beautiful flowers.  It's not a crime to enjoy and pursue the beautiful things in life.  This may come as an even bigger shock, but it is not a crime to be beautiful.  Being beautiful does not make you shallow.  Crazy, right?  People who are anti princess think it's all about being beautiful.

We should have had more princesses like this.  This way, you too, no matter how ugly you are, can feel good about yourself.  I'm sure this idea would sell like hot cakes.

We've got this whole, "big is beautiful" stuff going on today.  Yes, big is beautiful, just like beautiful is beautiful, too.  Skinny or fat, ugly or beautiful, beautiful is just beautiful, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Kourtney Kardashian.  Smokin' hot.  Extremely beautiful woman.  Has a bachelor's degree.  As you sit there criticizing beautiful women, tell me, what do you have a degree in?  Bit$hing?

Laila Ali.  Working woman, mother, bachelor's degree in business.  Smokin' hot.

Natalie Portman.  She graduated from Harvard University with a 4.0 GPA in psychology.  Beautiful.  Woman.

The point I am making here is that it's okay to be beautiful!  You can be smart AND beautiful!  Disney princesses can be smart AND beautiful.  They can deal with the crap life has dealt them and still come out on top.  As an abused child with a horrific past, I totally understand how big of a deal this is.  Snow White didn't turn to sex, alcohol or drugs to deal with her crappy childhood.  She put on her big girl panties and lived her life.  She dreamed big.  She stayed a happy person throughout it all.  Heaven forbid I should let my two daughters learn to be tough!  Mercy, I would not want that!  

I grew up obsessed with Disney movies, and yeah, I loved my Disney princesses.  I have a loving, healthy marriage.  No, I don't feel like Disney gave me any false expectations.  I love that my daughters want to be Disney princesses for Halloween.  I'd rather them want to be Disney princesses than Snooki.  I'd rather them watch Disney love stories than the Twilight love story.  I'd rather them watch Disney than Teen Mom.  I mean really, in the world we're living in, you wanna pick on Disney?  Okay, but I think you need to be medicated.  Seriously.  

It is your responsibility as a parent to teach your children.  Not Disney's, not MTV's.  If they have unrealistic ideas, maybe it's you who didn't teach them right.  Stop blaming everybody else.  On the flip side, children will be children.  They have their personalities.  They will still choose their paths, no matter what you teach them.  They didn't turn out the way you wanted them to?  Not your fault.  Not Disney's fault.  Let's be responsible for our own lives, our own choices, our own children.  Yes, your children will be exposed to things.  Disney or Snooki.  How you handle yourself, that's how your children will learn.  If Disney princesses bother you, talk to your kids about it.  Don't teach them hate.  Hating princesses for whatever reasons isn't healthy for you or your kids.  Yeah, little Suzy CAN be a astronaut when she grows up.  She can also like to play dress up and feel pretty, too.  With all things in life, we must learn moderation and balance.  Don't make your daughters feel guilty for wanting to dress up and feel beautiful.  That is human nature, we all want to feel appreciated and beautiful.  All ya gotta do is show them the healthy balance.  That's it.  It's not rocket science.

Laryngeal Dystonia (spasmodic dysphonia)

I was diagnosed with Laryngeal Dystonia a month ago.  At the time, all I thought was, "uh-huh, I'm sure there is something else to add to all this..."  Out of boredom, and curiosity, I Googled it.  Turns out it's actually a big deal.  It's painful, and downright exhausting.  Who knew?  It's also common in those who have certain diseases.  Diseases like, oh I don't know, Multiple Sclerosis.  I did not know that.  It's not all that common of a disease, the Laryngeal Dystonia.  It's estimated only around 300,000 in the U.S. have it.  My husband said I'm special.  My response:

I really looked JUST like this, too.  Bald.

I just thought this was a condition that wouldn't be that big of a deal.  So I can't talk on the phone anymore.... so it's super embarrassing to talk to people.... that's all I thought I was dealing with.  Reading the symptoms, it turns out it's causing a lot of issues.  I had no idea it was that big of a deal, really.  Very, very big deal.  One more thing to add to my list of "that sucks" health problems.  Oy vey, leave me alone already. If you wanna know what Laryngeal Dystonia is in better detail, read about it here. Read about it HERE. :)
 

It's just too fun, these cycles.

I saw this picture on Facebook, and I'm gonna base the entire excerpt around this picture.  I just wrote about chronic pain feeling, and looking like bipolar disorder.  This is why.  I tried to put in words what happens, and this picture sums it up best.  Well, as if you already couldn't tell, I write when I feel sad, angry, and just frustrated about Fibromyalgia and Multiple Sclerosis.  Why would this one be any different?  :)  When I'm not writing, I'm usually happy and feeling well.  When I write, it's because I need the therapeutic effects of writing.

I am on my freaking period.  We'll just get that out of the way.  That should explain half of it.  I am so hormonally imbalanced, (I mean the sex hormones, not mentally.  Although... :) my periods are from Satan.  Personally.  I get so emotional.  So sad.  So depressed.  Like I said, half the problem right there.  Then we're living with my parents for a while.  That's gotta be the other half.  We moved into my parents basement while my husband looks for a job, and so we can house hunt.  You should never live with family.  The end.

My parents live in Utah.  If you live in Utah, or like Utah, I apologize for what I say.  I hate Utah.  I hate the weather, I hate the landscape, I hate the people.  Most of all I hate the people.  They're clickish, judgmental, snobbish, and the world's worst drivers.  I HATE Utah.  I moved here to get help from family.  My M.S. is so bad, I need all the help I can get.  My mom is here, who's a nurse, not to mention my mom, and then I have baby sister.  She is my life.  When she's not helping, she's making me happy, making me laugh.  If there's anything I need as much as help, it's laughter.  So here we are.  Hating everything around us, but my sister's amazing company.  No job, no house, living with my parents, mother nature, and to make matters worse, sister and mamma are leaving for Paris, France tonight.  Then they go to Italy and then Israel.  Am I pissed?  Yeah, you could say that.  My sister is twelve years younger than me.  I've waited for a trip like this twelve years longer than she has.  I've never been anywhere.  Not to mention I am so stressed out, life has sucked so bad my entire life, I could REALLY use a vacation.  I have never been on a vacation in my life.  Sure, my parents took us occasionally to places.  It doesn't count when you're a kid.  You don't even wanna go, and you're just dragged along, fighting with siblings the entire time.  Those don't count.  I have never been on a vacation in my entire adult life.  Two dumb diseases, four kids, and five years of college later, I'd say it's definitely overdue.  Yet baby sister's going.  Not fair.  I'm excited for her, yes, no doubt, but I'm also bitter about it.  I should be going, too.  The other crap side of that is that she'll also be gone for five weeks.  What in the heck will I do for five weeks?  I'm gonna be so bored!  I barely move here, because I wanted to be closer to her, and she's taking off for five weeks.  Dumb... so yeah, today's been great.  Hubby needs to get a job and a house.  Like yesterday.  So stressed, so sad, so ready to be in the next stage of life.  Don't know how much more of this I can do.  The emotional cycle of M.S. sucks butt.

Anywho, there's muh rant.  I wish I could say I feel better, but I don't.  Wish I could get some chocolate, but without a job, chocolate doesn't grow on trees.  Wait... he he.  Can't even get a bar of chocolate.  Ech, okay, well, yeah.  So that's what it's about.  It's too bad my kids destroyed my body.  I'd flash Bill Gates some boobs right now.  He might give me some chocolate.    

 

If I had a dollar for every time I felt guilt...

Was almost asleep.  Then I had a thought.  And that thought lead to another thought, and the snowball gained speed.  Fast.  It would take too long to explain, but I thought back on a time when something big happened.  To me, to my daughter.  It should have been exciting and fun.  Instead, it turned out to be awful.  I was unable to attend the event.  This was shortly after I developed M.S., although unknown to me at the time.  I knew I would not be able to go before hand.  I was angry at myself.  I was so guilty, and it hurt me bad.  My husband took my daughter, and called me throughout the day telling me the opportunity I missed out on.  He didn't mean any harm by this, but like me, he was very disappointed I couldn't go due to my health.  It hurt.  Here it is a year later, now with the knowledge of M.S., and I still blame myself for not holding it together better.  It was only one day.  What, I can't hold it together for one day?  I know I couldn't have.  It still doesn't stop me from blaming myself.  For being angry about it.  For scolding myself about it.  Wondering what I could have done differently.  Nothing!  I couldn't have done anything differently!  I made my choice knowing I couldn't do anything physically different!  It still doesn't numb the pain, or make me forget, though.  Darn that.  I so wish it would.  It's beyond frustrating to think I have four kids with a lifetime of experiences ahead of them.  I'll get to sit and watch from the sidelines.  How many events will I miss due to my lack of health?  It has to be the most frustrating thing in the entire world.  I didn't become a parent to watch it.  I became a parent to do it.  I am tired of being the spectator.

I had an interesting/infuriating dream last night.  Freud would have a field day with it!  Dreams are so fuzzy, and rarely make a whole lot of sense, but last night was very clear.  I had a conversation with my sub-conscious.  It took on a voice as loud and as clear as mine.  It told me I willed myself into developing Fibromyalgia and Multiple Sclerosis.  I yelled at it.  I told it that was a lie.  It was so menacing, and so completely certain in the lies it feed me.  "You made yourself get sick because you hate being a mom.  Now you get to take on less responsibility."  It hurt in my dream, but I knew it was true.  I agreed with my sub-conscious.  Dreams, no matter what you feel in your reality, are so intense and real, it's hard to distinguish reality from the dream world.  I deeply reflected on that dream today.  Why would that voice, knowingly to me in my dreams, represent itself as my sub-conscious?  Why did it sound hateful, mean, evil?  Why on earth did I agree with it?  Do I agree with it?  Being completely honest with myself, I began to get irritated.  Will myself into getting auto-immune diseases?  Really?  For one, I don't even know if that could be done.  No, I don't think I willed this.  Do I feel relief being sick, knowing this means I won't be obligated to spend as much time with my kids?  Oh hell no.  I was a great mom before I got sick, and I loved every minute of it.  My almost seven year old reminisces about the "good ol' days" often.  She misses it as much as I do.  We all miss the old me.  Do I miss participating in everything?  Oh my goodness, mmm, let's think about this.  Two years of sarcasm later, the answer is yes.  I miss everything.  I miss doing everything.

I do know one thing's for sure.  That dream, although way off base, did ring more truth than I'd ever care to admit.  It was fatally laced with guilt.  I could feel it then, as I still do now.  Guilt for getting sick.  Like I allowed this to happen to my family.  I don't know if it's my personality, the reactions I get from family and friends, or just part of being disabled.  I think it's a combination of all three.  Whatever the reasons, it will take a lifetime to lean how to forget and move on.  When you have a terminal, unforgiving disease slapped into your face everyday, this is easier said that done.  I have a good feeling I will take guilt to the grave.  We're old friends, almost thirty years together.  That's quite the relationship.  One I would love to dismantle.  Until then, I lay in bed.  Hurting, crying, scared.  I am scared of guilt.  It hurts me.  It makes me angry.  It can be a very negative feeling.  I hate when guilt feels the need to come and show its ugly face.  I do try to ignore it.  Try to convince myself that guilt is nothing but a lie.  An evil tool for living in the past.  While my head knows this to be true, my heart can't help but bleed a little.

I know this, and still...

Breathing ain't all it's cracked up to be.

This is a deviated Septum.  I had a severely deformed Septum.  I went to go see an ear, nose and throat specialist last week for all my issues.  I couldn't breath through my nose, I get congested and have runny noses all the time, headaches, snoring, tossing and turning, ya know, all the crap that comes from not being able to breath.  He took one quick look up my nose and was like, "your Septum is seriously deviated.  You've broken your nose a few times."  This didn't surprise me.  I can recall a few times I broke my nose, and saying, "honey, I broke my nose."  :)  He suggested surgery.  I said, "yeah, okay."  He also told me that my nose shouldn't be as "Jewish" as it looked.  I had a pretty big bump, which I never remember being that big, and he said that was the result of breaking it and I shouldn't have it.  He suggested a Rhinoplasty to reshape the broken nose, and a Septoplasty to straighten the deviated Septum.  Sounded easy enough to me.  I know pain.  I get pain.  It can't be that bad, right?  What is a simple nose job compared to Fibromyalgia and M.S.?  Hahahah, RIGHT!  Oh the pain.  I had my surgery three days ago.  It was freaking scary going under, scary waking up, and then it just got painful.  The surgery only took one hour.  He fixed my bump, and straightened my Septum.  I'm on serious pain killers, (which is funny, they don't even get rid of my headache) antibiotics, and anti-nausea medication.  It has been a rough three days so far.  Day one was the least amount of pain.  My body was in shock, but I was bleeding profusely.  I ended up clotting so bad, bleeding so bad, hubby had to call an ambulance to come get me.  I started to black out, and I told him I was losing consciousness, he needed to call an ambulance.  The kids were sleeping, so I tried to make it outside so they wouldn't knock on the door and wake them up.  Yeah.... I didn't make it.  I passed out as I got to the door and smashed my head against the wall and a chair.  I didn't wake up until a few minutes later.  I made it outside, was hooked to an IV and taken to the hospital.  I was severely dehydrated, had a huge headache from hitting my head, and so weak from all the blood loss.  At this point, I had filled two garbage bags of bloody tissue.  I lost a lot of blood.  I was surprised how much you could bleed from a nose job.  You know there's a lot of swelling, but you don't hear a whole lot about bleeding.  I had clots the size of my entire nose, and up into my sinuses.  Then they turned into quarter sized clots.  They were coming every hour.  I honestly thought I was going to bleed to death.  They got my body back in working order at the hospital and I was sent home.  The bleeding never stopped.  I just had my stitches and splints removed just an hour ago.  He cleaned up all my clots (there were a TON and it took him an hour and a half!) and tried to get the bleeding under control.  He said there were so many clots, he still couldn't get them all.  I have another appointment set up for Monday to remove what's left.  That was a lot of bleeding.  It's finally starting to ease up.  I'm still leaking blood now.  So tired of blood.  I ruined a few shirts and my blanket.  Sad day, I love my blanket.  But anywho, that's where I've been and what I've been up to.  Trying to survive the recovery.  Its been soooo uncomfortable, so painful, and very tiring.  Not a whole lot of sleep happening.  I'm so bruised, so swollen, but I can breathe!  Taking my splints out made me able to breathe, and I gotta say, wow!  Who knew breathing was this great???  I've been saying these last three days, "I don't care if it was medically necessary, not worth it!"  Now that I can breathe, and the splints and clots are gone, my outlook is slightly changing.  My cast comes off in a week, and I can't wait to see how un-broken I look.  They say getting the splints out and the first three days are the worst.  I've done three days, and my splints are out.  It can only get better from here.  Let's hope so.  This has been so hard.  I am tired.  I just wanna be normal again.  It's just a nose.  Who knew it was that big of a deal?

"Iz dees woman bi-polar?"

Reading past posts, I can't help but laugh.  They're all over the place.  "I love my life!"  "I hate my life!  DIE!"  They really are so bi-polar.  Well, they are to the healthy eye.  Sick people read my posts, and are like, "yes!  Oh my gosh, someone finally gets this!"  Being sick can seem very bi-polar.  You will never get this until you develop chronic pain.  The good days?  Those are the days where we say to heck with our disease.  "It won't define me, dangit!"  The bad days?  That's where we're freaking tired of fighting pain.  When its worn us down.  When we have no strength left.  The days we'd rather die than be physically punished by an excruciating disease.  The days we say, "this isn't worth it.  The only relief will come through death."  Then it can shift; pain could ease up just a bit, something great happens, we get good sleep, we have a better day, then it's back to, " I can keep fighting this."  Then you fight really hard for a week, but then it only takes a fight with a loved one, overdoing it in the garden, one night of insomnia, and the pain is all back, and we're thrown to the ground.  Again.  Yeah, it can totally seem bi-polar.  Imagine how frustrating it is for us.  We're still us.  The vibrant, beautiful, happy people we are.  Then disease sets in.  Then we become someone we're not.  Forced into this dark, hideous creature we try to hide from.  We don't like her.  She's mean, she's depressed, she's angry.  She hurts.  There is no way around our, um, I guess at this point, multiple personality?  There's the hilarious, talented, upbeat Rachelle.  Then there's the depressed, dark, angry Rachelle.  M.S. and Fibromyalgia will decide what girl surfaces.  Today, it's the dark Rachelle.  The "it would be so much easier if I weren't here" Rachelle.  The Rachelle that feels the battle isn't worth fighting anymore.  The Rachelle that feels she's holding her family back.  The Rachelle that wants to free those she loves, and to ease the pain.  No worries, the other Rachelle will pop up soon.  She always does.  I think she's working on her beauty sleep right now.  'Cause obviously the dark Rachelle isn't doing it... at four in the morning...

Anywho, chronic pain is a complex disease.  If I seem like I have a mental illness, it's okay, I do.  It's called chro-nic pa-in.  Those of us awesome warriors fighting it don't have much of a choice.  Those who say otherwise should come spend time with dark Rachelle, he he.

Today the pain is so great, I'm trying very hard to convince dark Rachelle I have to keep fighting.  She doesn't understand, or want to hear it, but nevertheless, she hasn't won yet.  I sit here, fighting insomnia, fighting hunger, fighting dark thoughts.  It's such a fight.  It takes a lot out of me.  Fighting with yourself is draining, in every way you can be drained.  Sunday nights are always bad, too.  Hubby goes back to work tomorrow.  I'm left alone with four small children.  I don't know if I can do one more day.  I am terrified dark Rachelle may win the fight one of these days.  How much more pain and suffering can she take before she breaks?  We'll see.  This is what living with chronic pain is.  Welcome to this dark, twisted world.  No, you will never, ever understand it.  Not until the day you become disabled.  I pray you're never a guest in my world.  If you are, you know exactly what I mean.  But now it is time to go rest the angry woman.  She really does better when she's rested.... oh wait!  I have insomnia, huh?  Hahaha, oh that was funny.  Eh, okay, then I guess it's time for Sister Wives.

Chronic pain means not knowing who you'll be for the day, or how you'll fight your battle.

Boston. 4/15/13

The news of Boston literally made me sick to my stomach.  First of all, I needed to find out what all happened.  Second of all, I needed to know who did it.  My first reaction?  Shock.  Second reaction?  Although authorities are still unsure of who is responsible, anger.  Serious anger.  I cannot get the face of this darling boy out of my head, and it doesn't matter who did it.

This sweet, eight year old boy waited to see his daddy cross the finish line of the Boston Marathon, the location where a devastating bomb, followed by another bomb, exploded.  He never got the chance to see his dad.  I have four kids.  My oldest will be seven this summer.  She is only a year younger, and I cannot even imagine.  The very thought of it has me wiping tears from my eyes.

The entire incident has angered so many, as it rightfully should.  My thoughts are always of the children, though.  What will the ramifications of this action cost?  How many children will suffer from ignorance and hatred?  How will this fuel American's hated towards an already hostile situation with Muslims, whether they were responsible or not??  How many children will be caught in the crossfire? American and Muslim.

Yesterday will be remembered.  Yesterday will be felt and heard.  Yesterday will hurt for a long time to come.

It's times like these that shake the very foundation of who, and what, we are.  Where we question everything.  It's confusing and frightening.  But like history has proven over and over again, this too will have to be resolved, one way or another.  It is my deepest desire and hope that whatever befalls us, there will be no more pain and suffering for children.  While unrealistic, this is my hope and dream.  It is nothing less than pure evil that can view innocent life with such little regard.

May justice be swift, and may it bring some restitution for those left suffering.

I freaking love people. No, really...

I love it when people act like my disease is such an inconvenience to them.  Holy crap, I know, I wish you could see how inconvenient it is for me!  It's never said in words, but the little round about ways of going about it.  "Why didn't you...?"  "Where were you...?"  Good freak, people.  It'll usually come down to the same thing.  Sick, in my bed.  Not feeling well.  I know my disease is SO darn inconvenient for ya there... I'll try to be better at that.  Pffffffffffft.

I can't complain to a whole lot of people.  For one, no one but people with bad diseases really get this.  Two, most of the people that irritate me are the ones I have to put up with.  I do try to make it obvious.  I so do.  But that's the thing about stupid people, they just don't get things.

Don't ask what M.S. can do for you.  Ask what you can do for M.S.  ;)

M.S. doesn't know who I married. Obviously.

It's four thirty in the morning.  My mind is racing.  Who's surprised?  Not me.

My husband and I are working on a project together.  A really, really big, life altering project.  It's fun, but there are many, many details that need sorting out.  Hence the filled mind.  That Type A personality of mine has me going over everything in painstaking detail.  Even if I have a solution, I will still think about it.  The Type A ensures I will get it done, and perfectly, I might add, but it can be such a pain sometimes.  The over analyzing is really quite unnecessary.

With every thought, or solution, my mind always seems to come back to one simple question.  What will the M.S. think of this?  It's difficult to walk, and it's proving to be a harder challenge every day.  Will it let me do this?  What if my mind can't keep it together long enough?  Will I have the energy, physically and mentally for this?  It's quite frustrating to be a Type A, to be highly motivated, to be ready to go, just to have your body fail on you.  It's frustrating I even have to ask questions like this.  The project we're tackling would take no less than a healthy person, in every sense of the word.  I get worn out getting out of bed.  That is a chore.  Is a Type A personality, a strong drive, and a dreamer's heart enough to physically be able to push past any obstacle?  We're about to find out.

Multiple Sclerosis is the most powerful force I've ever reckoned with.  I've heard two powerful stories, just this weekend, of two warriors who lost the fight to M.S.  It doesn't frighten me, hinder me, or change anything.  It does make one think, though.  How much longer will M.S. let me keep at this?  I am deteriorating fast.  Much faster than anyone really knows or suspects.  I always wanted to be an actress when I was a girl, and it seems my talent in theatrics still holds well today.  I am very good at faking my health.  I have been faking for years now.  It's come to the point where I cannot even hide what's going on even from acquaintances.  I have gone downhill so fast, just within this last year.  It's no longer anything I can hide.  I walk funny, I talk funny, I slur, I stutter.  A lot.  I am always cold.  I am always fighting to get a simple sentence out.  I have to read, and re-read everything I write.  I once took great pride in my grammar and my understanding of the English language.  I now find it a special challenge to spell the most simplistic words.  "It is fair, or fare?"  I have difficulty tying my shoes.  I find my body goes numb faster, and stays numb longer.  When my mind isn't racing, it's extremely foggy.  I find I can no longer drive.  If I have to, it's for short distances, and even then it's quite the task.  My voice is gone.  It's become so strained, it sounds like I am terrified.  It shakes and loses itself.  I have become very self-conscious of it, and I avoid phone calls like the plague.  My husband schedules all my appointments for me, and makes all phone calls for me.  I only have phone conversations with my sister and mother, and at best they're physically strained.  My vision is going.  I have intense pain behind one eye, and the other eye is losing its vision.  I have lost my ability to reason in many situations.  I get confused when I go places.  If my husband doesn't drive me somewhere, I will not go.  If my husband doesn't stay with me,  I cannot move.  I cannot go to the store without my husband.  I do not know where I am going, I become extremely confused, and I feel overwhelmed.  He has to push the cart, and gather everything.  He has to check out and pay.  He has to load the children into the car and buckle them.  Needless to say, he is my knight in shinning armor.  I would be lost without him.  Literally and figuratively.  He is my rock.  The light of my life.  My reason for living.  My reason for wanting to keep going.  He is the reason I feel like I can take on this project.  He is the motivation, and the very soul of this project.  M.S. has no idea he's coming.  M.S. has no idea he's backing me up.  Behind every question, I can hear M.S. menacingly whisper, "you can't do this, you know you can't.  I won't let you."  To which my darling husband of eight years responds, "you can do this,  I am here.  I won't let M.S. hurt you."

I am blessed beyond words.  I have people offer condolences to me all the time.  I have to say, I feel so embarrassed by this.  To me, this is old hat.  This is what I do.  Day in , day out.  What they don't know, is that I don't feel defeated.  Most of the time.  :)  They don't know that I don't feel scared.  Most of the time.  :) That I don't fear the future or what is has in store for me.  They know I have Multiple Sclerosis.  They don't know my husband is Superman.  And that's what makes this bearable.

Love of my life, father of my children, my best friend.  Forever and always.

 

What if you were told you only had ten years left to live?

I hate M.S.  I really do.  I always have, always will, but there are times when it just biotch slaps you in the face.  Quite rude.

The times you dream big, the times you try, they all just seem pretty frivolous.  What does it matter?  M.S. will stop you no matter what.  That's so hard to accept when you're used to fighting.  When you're so darn stubborn, you won't go down without kicking and screaming.  I will go down kicking and screaming, you can be sure of that, but in the meantime?  Ugh, M.S.!  Get a life!

When I first started getting sick, the shock of it all was, um, quite the shock.  My husband also has an auto-immune disease, Type 1 Diabetes.  I asked him how long it takes to get over the shock.  I asked him how long it takes to stop denying it, how long does it take you to finally accept it.  Here I am, just now realizing that it's not the same.  Diabetics take shots.  Then they continue their lives.  M.S. doesn't let you go back to the old you.  You're progressing every day.  You get worse every day.  This is not Diabetes.  So the answer to those questions?  Never.  That's the answer.  You never get over the shock.  You never stop denying it.  You never accept it.  How can you accept a disease that never lets you go back to your life?  That never lets you be normal again?  Diabetes is a bad disease.  I do not downplay that.  I just wish I could regulate my blood sugars and be okay.  Diabetes is a disease you're in control of.  Take care of yourself, you'll live a long, happy, normal life.  I DO take care of myself.  90% better than most people do.  But ya know what?  Nothing I do will stop my disease from progressing.  I have no control, no say in what happens to me.  I can eat right, exercise, get my sleep, meditate, it doesn't matter.  It's going to keep progressing.

There are four types of M.S.  I have the one you don't want.  The one only 5% get.  The one that never lets you go into remission.  The one that never takes a break.  The one that starts out so severe, keeps going severe, and stays so severe, you're expected to die ten years after diagnosis.  One year down, nine to go.  Does it scare me?  No.  Not like you'd think it would.  Does it make me mad?  Um, yes.  Very much so.  My oldest child will be 16.  My youngest will be only 11.  I will miss all of their weddings.  College, heck, even high school graduations.  My grand-babies. 

Family will tell you you're going to be one of the lucky ones.  I think they say that to try and convince themselves more than you.  'Cause you have M.S.  You know how fast you're deteriorating.  You can see it, you can feel it.  Either way, I hope they're right.  I don't count anything down, I don't feel doomsday coming.  I do feel incredibly calm about it.  Angry yes, but calm.  If I only have nine years left, they're going to be the best nine years ever.  I'll make sure of that.  If I live longer, I will never take a single day for granted.  Until then, screw you, M.S.  

  

I'm tired, y'all.

I am SO tired.  For once, I could actually sleep.  I am up at five in the morning waiting for diapers to dry.  We didn't even realize until this evening that our baby's cloth diapers needed to be stripped.  I only started to let them soak at ten thirty.  Then I went and totally forgot about it.  Come two thirty, I remember that I hadn't started the wash.  My baby's wearing the last diaper.  He has hypoglycemia, so even though he's almost two years old, he's still waking up in the night to raise his blood sugars.  There's a very good chance he'll be needing a diaper soon.  So, here I am.  Sitting, blogging, Facebooking, Youtubing, reading celebrity profiles, watching makeup tutorials, doing everything but sleeping.  There is something seriously wrong with this picture.  I could sleep, but can't?  Well played, Cosmos, well played.

If it be thy will....

...then take me now, Lord.

I hurt.  I hurt real good.  Have I ever, ever mentioned I hate M.S. and Fibromyalgia?  Ever?  Mmm, wasn't sure if I had or not.

Today my body is so wracked with pain.  Fun flare up!  I freaking  ❤ these!  No, really, they're the best.  Can't get enough pain...really...  All I know is that someone needs to die today.  I don't care if it's me, or someone I loathe, I'm positive that would make me feel better.  Yep, that would help.  In the meantime, I'm living on heat packs, the comfort of my bed, and Mass Effect 3.

Let. Me. Die.  Please, and thank you.  

Leaky Gut Syndrome.

Doesn't that sound disgusting?  It really does.  What Leaky Gut Syndrome is, is even nastier.  Leaky Gut Syndrome is used to describe the medical condition "Hyperpermeable Intestines."  What does leaky gut sound like to you?  Ewww, yes, the gut literally leaking!  The intestinal lining has become porous, causing larger holes that make the filtering process impossible.  This means the intestines are allowing toxins, yeast, and waste to run rampant in your blood stream.

The intestines are a HUGE part of your immune system.  What happens when you have foreign objects aggravating your immune system?  Auto-immune!  Your body is now fighting for its life.  You should not have large particles of waste floating through your blood stream, of course it's going to go into survival mode.  What's worse, is that your liver is now working overtime, too.  Your body has to filter out toxins somehow.  Well, that's the livers job.  So now your liver is overworked, loaded with toxins.  What happens when the liver gets overworked?  Your body has to put toxins somewhere.  So it'll put it anywhere it can, in any of the body's tissues.  What do you feel when that happens?  Inflammation.  Ouch.  And now your body is so focused on fighting inflammation, the war against the Leaky Gut has halted.  It's a vicious cycle.  The cycle can lead to many auto-immune diseases, and conditions, including Chronic Fatigue, MS, IBS, Ulceritive Colitis, Fibomyalgia, Celiac disease, gluten intolerance, peanut allergies, and any food allergies.

If you have food allergies, it's most likely you have Leaky Gut Syndrome.  Any undigested food that enters your blood stream will now be treated as a foreign invader, and your immune system will act accordingly; food intolerance.  The inability to filter food also means you're not absorbing vitamins and minerals.  You're sick, and you're not even getting vital vitamins and minerals your body needs.  You're starving to death, but you're still pumping your body full of toxins.

How do you know if you have Leaky Gut Syndrome?  Do you have any of the following?

*Food sensitivities.
*Nutritional deficiencies.
*Chronic diarrhea, and or constipation.
*Skin rashes, your skins way of dumping toxins.
*Weakened immune system.  Getting sick easier, and having a harder time fighting illness.
*Headaches.
*Brain fog.
*Memory loss.
*Excessive fatigue.
* Inflammation.
*Yeast overgrowth. (Candida)

Candida is a symptom of Leaky Gut.  Candida will cause you to crave sugar and carbohydrates, its source of food.  Feeding this living yeast, the cycle of Leaky Gut will continue.

What causes Leaky Gut Syndrome?

*Diet.  Eating foods high in sugar, carbohydrates, processed foods, preservatives, and foods laced with chemicals will be treated as the toxins they are, and will lead to inflammation.

*Stress.  Stress is undoubtedly an immune suppressor.  Stress will continue to hinder your body's ability to eliminate toxins.

*Inflammation of any kind.  Yeast overgrowth, bacteria overgrowth,  infection, parasites, or environmental toxins will all cause inflammation.

*Medications.  Any prescriptions, including over the counter pain relievers with Aspirin and Acetaminophen, irritate the lining of the intestines, and lower the intestines natural mucus level, making toxins easier to release into the blood stream.    

*Yeast.  You do need normal levels of good yeast in your intestines, but once the bad yeast has overgrown, the yeast will grow tentacles, attaching itself to the lining of the intestines, causing holes to form.

*Lack of Zinc.  Zinc is needed in order to maintain healthy intestines.  When you're deficient, or your body is unable to absorb Zinc, problems will arise.

How do you eliminate Leaky Gut Syndrome?

*Diet restrictions.  Eliminate sugars, starches, grains, and irritating foods.  This will literally starve the yeast overgrowth.  This will also allow the intestines to cure themselves.  Here is a link to the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, a diet made specifically for healing, and curing the intestines from Leaky Gut.

"How to start the SCD Diet."

*Nutritional supplementing.  Leaky Gut will leave your body starved of all vitamins and minerals it's been unable to absorb.  Along with following a strict diet, the one I mention above, supplementing will help restore your body's essential vitamins which are imperative to healing your intestines.  A good multi-vitamin, along with vitamin D and Zinc are recommended.  Omega 3 fish oil is also an outstanding supplement for intestinal health, and will also help with inflammation.

*Probiotics.  Following the SCD diet, you're starving off the bad yeast.  Now you need a good, healthy yeast to balance things.  Probiotics are a must.  Good bacteria will help keep bad yeast from taking over, it will heal the gut, help nutrients get absorbed, and keep the cycle in check.  Make sure you check your labels when looking for healthy bacteria.  Refer to the SCD diet to find the appropriate bacteria.

*Digestive enzymes.  Digestive enzymes are a key role to breaking down the foods we eat.  Enzymes work as toxin cleaners as well.  While your gut is ill, and your liver is overworked, enzymes will help in all the areas your body is working to heal.  Enzymes will also help reduce inflammation.  Once again, check the quality, and the purity of enzymes you purchase.  They may have offending preservatives in them.  Do your research on all your supplements, make sure you're only getting the very best.  We don't want to further the problem here, we're trying to heal ourselves.

I can testify to everything I write.  I know it's a powerful tool, and to me, the only way to heal your body.  I suffer from MS, Fibomyalgia, IBS, and Chronic Fatigue.  If there's anyone who needed this diet, it was me.  At first I was very skeptical.  It's JUST a diet.  How can you heal auto-immune diseases?  With that same attitude, I also said, it's JUST a diet, what can I lose?  So I went for it.  If there was any chance I could feel better, I wouldn't be stupid enough to let skepticism keep me from trying anything that could bring relief.  And bring relief it did.  Within 24 hours, I kid you not, my inflammation was already significantly reduced.  I woke up for the first time in years without a migraine.  It is said with most people, relief will immediately be felt within 24-48 hours.  Ya can't argue with how you feel.  The proof is in that.  After following the diet for only six weeks, I am acne free.  I had gorgeous, flawless skin up until I got Fibromyalgia and MS.  Then my face resembled the surface of the moon.  It was incredibly embarrassing, and there was no amount of acne solution that could clear my face.  No matter what I tried, my face was horribly plagued.  My skin is incredibly gorgeous again.  It's full of life and health, and not a single blemish in sight.  Haven't had a break out in a loooong time.  I FEEL healthy, and my skin looks and feels healthy.  My dreams became less intense.  I am sleeping harder.  My fatigue that would keep me in bed 24/7?  MUCH better.  Something I never thought possible.  I am also Cluster headache free.  If you don't know what Cluster headaches are, Google them.  They're referred to as "suicide headaches."  You DO contemplate suicide   They're that bad.  They're ten times worse than any migraine headache, and they're often said to be far more painful than childbirth.  Having had four children myself, I can attest to the truth in this.  I'd rather give birth any day than deal with a Cluster headache.  I am now Cluster headache free.  My joint pain has been significantly reduced.  My hips, knees, ankles, wrists, and fingers don't hurt nearly as bad as they did.  My back pain has dropped dramatically.  I am exercising again for the first time in four years.  Something I never thought I'd see again.  Everything hurt too much.  I find exercise to be invigorating and healing, where as before it would only tire me and hurt me.  I avoided it at all costs.  My sex dive is back.  It's back and revved.  I no longer have any sexual dysfunction, including vaginal dryness, and difficulty achieving orgasm.  I cured my Hypoglycemia.  I had reactive, and fasting Hypoglycemia.  If I went too long without eating, my blood sugars would drop well below 70.  If I ate something with too many carbs, I would drop below 70.  It seemed I was always low.  I haven't had low blood sugars in six weeks.  That was also an immediate thing.  It was cured within the first few days of my diet.  My IBS is almost nonexistent.  I would be wracked in severe pain from anything I ate.  I would then deal with severe gas, bloating, and diarrhea or constipation.  I am almost completely symptom free from IBS.  It feels good to eat without fear.  My vision is better, my heart palpitations have disappeared, my nose has cleared from congestion, I don't get sores in my mouth, my teeth don't ache and hurt, my chronic sore throats have disappeared, my "MS hug" is gone.  "MS hug" is a sensation that feels like you're being squeezed in the abdominal area.  For me, it attacked my lungs.  It felt like I was drowning.  My lungs would feel like they were collapsing, losing air.  It's a very frightening experience.  It also causes all the symptoms of a heart attack.  To feel like you can't breath, along with heart attack symptoms, is disconcerting to say the least.  My "MS hug" is gone.  I feel so much more lung capacity.  I breath deeper, fuller, and it feels like the oxygen in my blood is actually being used now.  It's incredibly refreshing.  My skin is so beautiful, did I mention that?  My hair is thicker, I'm not losing as much hair, my nails aren't cracking anymore.  So many little changes that lead to great overall health.

I am still not feeling the best I can.  I still have changes I need to make.  I do feel 100% better, though.  It's something I can testify of, and something that I need to share.  It's made the biggest difference in my life.  This diet has to be the hardest change I have ever made in my life, though.  Your body will crave sugar.  It's harder than any drug or addiction I have ever tried to break myself from.  I was so addicted to sugar, it was pure misery for three weeks.  I cried from the physical withdrawal.  I was very emotional.  It was pure hell.  My mom felt the cravings subside after ten days.  For me, it was about three weeks to a month.  It will vary depending on how sick you are, how infested you are, and how addicted you are.  It's not easy.  At all.  It's very hard.  While you will feel inflammation subside within a day or two, you'll also feel like you're starving.  The yeast in your  body will scream for sugar, it's starving.  You'll feel miserable.  It will make you angry and very irritable.  Cutting back on any addiction is very uncomfortable.  People quit smoking because they know it's better for their health.  It's not comfortable, but they deal with the withdrawals because they know the end result is worth it.  Cutting sugar is going to be very hard and uncomfortable, but it's something you have to do if you want to feel amazing.  It's for your health and well being.  Any pain and suffering in the name of health is so worth is.

It's your life, not your disease's.  Claim it back.  

 

             

What makes someone beautiful?

My husband makes fun of me when I profess my undying love for someone.  "Oooh, I could marry that one, he's SO cute!"  "He's like 80 years old.  His nose is huge, and his ears are hilarious!"  I've tried explaining it so many times to people.  There's not a whole lot in looks for me.

This to me is repulsive.  NOT what I find attractive in a man.

THIS, besides hubby of course, is the sexiest man alive to me.  "But he's so old, so bald..."  "Um, he's educated, he's eloquent, he's kind, he's intelligent, he's beautiful on the outside, because he's beautiful on the inside."  Patrick Stewart, even at 72 years old, is a sexy beast.   A person is beautiful in my eyes when they're amazing human beings.  I am often teased for my "lack" of eyesight when it comes to judging beauty. 

So I am a makeup artist.  My job is to play with makeup.  My job is to have fun, not to cover anything.  My job is to make people feel enhanced, not covered.  With that said, there are some things I believe in.

*I believe you should never sleep with your makeup on.
* I believe you should eat well and invigorate your body through exercise.
*I believe in hydrating a healthy, happy body.
*I believe you should never gossip.
*I believe you should laugh.  All the time.
* I believe you should never think twice about helping others.
*I believe in confidence.
* I believe in being true to yourself.

Makeup is fun.  It's an artistic outlet and joy.  It's fulfilling to be creative.  It's fun to play with color.  But it is not an answer.  It's not an answer for low self esteem.  It's not the answer when trying to hide behind something.  It is most definitely never to be used to be something you're not.  Makeup is not a mask, it's self expression.

What makes someone beautiful?  Nothing superficial, I can promise you that.  Skinny does not mean beautiful.  Health means beauty.  I believe in taking care of your body, not to be skinny, not to conform to anything.  I believe in taking care of your body, because your body is a temple, and you are worth it, that's why.  You release endorphin's when you work out, and those make you feel good.  They make you feel happy and confident.  It's hard not to feel better about yourself when you're healing your body from the inside out.  I am a firm believer of taking care of yourself.  I'm not going to ramble on about inner beauty, blah, blah, blah.  This is real to me, and it's something I wanted to share.  What makes a person beautiful to me.

I was a severely abused child.  It didn't end until I became an adult.  Growing up with the worst possible situations a human being can be asked to endure sure makes the self esteem road a long and hard one.  There was so much self hatred.  So much guilt, so much fear, so much anger.  These are not emotions conducive for a happy and confident life.  I was an incredibly beautiful (I can only see it looking back now) teenager.

This is my mom and I when I was 18 years old.  I was convinced I was the fattest, ugliest person alive.

  Fighting low self esteem and  low self confidence are so hard.  It's one of the hardest challenges we can undertake.  Once you can begin to accept yourself, you'll feel so much better on that side.  So it took having four kids, getting up to 220 lbs (my normal weight is 115) on most pregnancies, to see how beautiful I really am.  It took saggy boobs, a saggy "mom pooch", stretch marks from head to toe, to realize how beautiful I am.  Once my kids destroyed my body, I realized I had put far too much emphasis on the outside.  My body was/is destroyed.  I can continue to hate it for the rest of my life, or I can finally accept it.  Finally accept it as the divine temple it is.  What can I do about it now?  Nothing but love it.  I feel sexier now than I ever have.  I weighed 105 when I got married, I am 5'6, so that's really tiny, and now I'm 20 lbs heavier than that.  My weight now would be considered "obese" by my shallow teenage standards.  But I've never loved my body more.  I get it on with the lights on.  "Go on, take it all in...."  ;)  I love to use my vibrator, my dildo's, (sorry for that horrid image!) and I LOVE wearing kinky, tiny, barely there outfits with my beautifully flawed body.  Hooda thunk?  Certainly not me.  It's liberating and exhilarating.  Confidence does come the older you get, life experiences will tend to do that to ya, but it's something that can be learned at any age, at any time, through any circumstance.

The sexiest woman alive can instantly become the ugliest person ever.  The saying "actions speak louder than words" is a saying for a reason; it's true!  Those considered "not as beautiful" by a mis-guided society can become the most beautiful people on the earth.  What's such a heartbreaking shame to me, are girls not reaching their full potential.  It's so sad seeing a snobby beautiful girl.  It's so sad to see a bitter plain girl.  How beautiful they could be if they just broke out of society's labels.  How beautiful is a "beautiful" girl when she refrains from gossip?  When she lifts up those around her?  THAT makes a goddess out of a girl.  How beautiful is a "plain" girl when she is the life of the party, making everyone around her laugh?  Making everyone around her feel safe and happy?  THAT makes a goddess out of a girl.  There's no amount of makeup that can cover a rotting apple.  Whether you're beautiful and vain, plain and bitter, there is no makeup, there is no excuse, and there is no way to hide what you are.  There is no way to make yourself more beautiful than working from the inside out.  Makeup IS fun, but it's something that comes later.  It's icing, or not, that goes on the cake.  How you adorn yourself, heavy, light, or not at all, is personal preference, but it's something that comes AFTER you've worked on the inside.  It becomes a reflection of what's on the inside, not the other way around.  In order to feel beautiful, you gotta stop worrying about feeling beautiful.  :)  Stop worrying about things that don't matter.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to enhance your look, but there's no obsession that's healthy.

Things I had to learn to teach myself confidence:

*"I only care how I feel about myself.  I only care how I feel about myself."
* Smile often.  Smiling tricks your brain into thinking it's happy, even if you're not.  Actually smiling, 'cause you're happy, (and better yet, laughing) is even better.
*  Talk to yourself.  There's enough self mutilation going on in our minds as it is.  "You're fat, you're not pretty enough, not worthy enough..."  It's rubbish.  What stupid lies!  Poke the Leprechaun in your head, make him move out, and let someone kind start paying rent up there.  "I am beautiful, I am healthy, I am SO worth it!!"  Whether you believe it or not, the more your brain hears it, the more it'll get used to the idea.
*Forget yourself.  Narcissism- a generalized personality trait characterized by egotism, vanity, pride, or selfishness.  Mmmm, beautiful or not, isn't obsessing over your looks and talents just that?  Whether it's positive or negative, spending that much time thinking about yourself makes you narcissistic.  And that's never pretty.  Let's start thinking more about others than ourselves.  Service has to be one of the best ways I got over obsessing about how I look.  It's hard to think about yourself or what others think about you when you're so busy helping others.  Volunteer, do charity work.  It's as easy as holding the door open for someone disabled.  Doing something that doesn't revolve around you is my point.  It's not all about you, we share the world with over 7 billion people.  Make it about someone else and you won't care what you look like.
*Be your best friend.  Your best friend wouldn't let anyone call you ugly.  Be nice to yourself!  Respect yourself.  If you can't respect yourself, why do you expect others to respect you?
*Do things that invigorate you.  Meditate, dance, write poetry, blog.  Find things that let you express who you are.  There's so much beauty and talent in there, find ways to express it!  It's the best way to find your confidence, and to find out who you are.  How can you ever fall in love with someone if you never get to know them?  Get to know yourself!
*  Who cares?  This one could be my favorite.  Who cares?  We're only alive for maybe 90 years.  Will I care what I wore, what circles I ran in when I was 20?  Will I regret not doing what made me happy?  Will I regret not being myself, not accepting myself, not loving myself?  At the end of the day, who in the #$%^ cares????  At the end of this life, who was I trying to impress?  My shallow friend at 25?  My mentally abusive boyfriend at 35, 55, 65?  At what age will we finally learn that it doesn't matter?  Who cares???  M.S. and Fibromyalgia are what made it possible for me.  When you can't even take unassisted showers anymore, who cares what people think?  When you need help tying your shoes, buttoning your shirt, when you're writhing in pain, and wishing for death, why would I care about what anyone thinks about me?  Hallelujah I don't!  I can act dumb whenever I want, I can say whatever I want, I will step on your toes if I need to.  I stand up for myself, and you better watch out if I need to put you in your place.  I do not lack in the confidence department.  Pain was good for something.  :)  It takes losing it all to see how much you have.  And I have it all.  I am broke a#$ poor.  I am bed-ridden.  I hurt.  But I have it all.  I love myself, I love my awesome husband and children, my life is so very, very far from perfect, but I love it.  I wouldn't trade my body, my mind, my face, my anything for what someone else has.  Life is flawed.  Why not make the best of what's perfectly flawed?